Codependency Support Group
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My H has yet again taken a day that should have been special for me and turned it into a horrible experience. Friday evening I was out shopping with the the kids and he rang me and asked if I could buy some gifts for the kids to give me for mothers day so that he wouldn't have to take them out shopping again the next day. This seemed a bit dodgy but I went along with it. He then said he would take us out to breakfast and a movie on mothers day but on Sunday morning he spent an hour talking to our son (12 years old) who is having difficulty at school. The talk was apparently to encourage him to have a better attitude about school so that he can have the career he wants etc, but as usual, he put so much pressure on the boy to reply to him that he just clammed up. My H then got frustrated and started yelling at our son about how he needs to open up and talk and telling him that he is ruining mothers day ( he wasn't, but H sure was). My son was in tears, I was feeling awful, we missed breakfast and later my husband tells me how angry he is because I struggle to open up and share my feelings, particularly when he pressures me and he sees that my son is modeling himself on my behaviour. So the day was all about him and his anger. The kids were unhappy and felt bad for me, my son felt guilty even though I assured him that he didn't spoil the day. This is the 4th or 5th year in a row that I haven't been able to enjoy a special occasion because of his outbursts. I tried to tell him that our son struggles to open up and talk when he feels forced to but he refused to listen or to consider that perhaps his methods may be faulty. So sick of this. Last time I tried to tell him that he was ruining Christmas for the kids by being angry with me, he yelled and swore at me so I haven't dared say anything bit right now I feel like leaving him. Feeling sick to the core.
Its good that you have a place like this to vent. It doesnt fix it but it helps for a minute. I really am sorry that you are having to feel this way.
I am in dread of going to see my mother-from-hell today, but I am the sacrificial lamb, as both sisters are out of town. I'll try to go in there with calm and aplomb, but I usually leave there in tatters, craving a cigarette (almost 2 years cig free) & a shitload of chocolate. I am the family's whipping boy. I will do what I can, but then leave when I can't tolerate any more.
Something you wrote brought up a memory of mine... I'd like to share with you, if that's ok? Maybe it can help you with your situation... so here goes:
Growing up, every time we were going out somewhere, whether it was to a restaurant or on a trip, my parents would start to argue. The yelling went unabated as they piled us in the car. On a road trip, it could go on for at least an hour before they calmed down. We'd huddle in fear in the back. If we were going to a restaurant, it carried over into the restaurant, where my father would be unpleasant toward us and demanding of the waitress. It was embarrassing, to say the least. He had quite the temper tantrums.
As adults, my sisters and I are very aware that when we plan to go out anywhere, the level of anxiety is heightened, causing us to feel irritable and edgy. In my experience, today, going to see Mom is already bringing up Dread. It all goes back to the heightened anxiety of our parents, that manifested itself as anger and fighting. I get bitchy, too, when I'm trying to get my act together and get frustrated by my lack of control.
..... so, I'm wondering what is in your Husband's background that provokes him to be abrasive? He tries to make everything "perfect" on Christmas and Mother's Day, except he puts so much pressure on the situation and the children, that it comes out sideways in a big, ole mess? My father used to think he was the best at helping me with math, until I couldn't grasp a concept ... it took very little time, usually 1 minute or less, for him to lose his patience with me and start to humiliate me, yelling at me, telling me I was stupid. I still approach math with reluctance and revulsion. So, when your husband berates your son for what your son is "not doing" -- it feels very reminiscent of what Dad did to me. Your husband is blaming you, but it is he who is culpable and damaging. And he needs to look at that.
I am so sorry that he's causing so much pain in your family, especially on Mother's Day. It always seems to be the way of things in Dysfunctional homes. Maybe you and the kids can go do something frivolous and fun together (without him) to celebrate each other -- an ice cream parlor? miniature golf? pizza? bowling?
((HUGS))
Try and do something nice for you and your kids and ignore the unavailable irresponsible man.