Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members
10,657 Posts
1 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Codependency Support Group

messed up family

sassybabe11
sassybabe11
my sister died a year ago today. made plans with other sister but cancelled cause I knew that it would be her drunk and crying. they plan her friends thing on the day I work of course. just very annoyed with her. she is just a thorn in my side and I ruminate about we having a relationship that we don't have and don't think we will ever. nothing has changed she digs at me and is so dramatic that it is hard to handle. my sister that died and my other sister did so much to make me feel like not one of them. so she is remarrying her ex now and all is just wonderful he just inherited a bunch of money and now he is wonderful. big celebration wedding and she wants fam from all over to come to this. I know that I am jealous that she now has this great life planned and I am alone with no companion. has this group of people that JUST LOVE HER so much it makes me feel sick with envy and again that I am on the outside of all. they all are like all about BECK just feel messed up and I know that spending time with her makes me depressed. I need to let it all go but really upset and feel so deserted and angry at myself for feeling this way. thanks for any advice.
Booky
Booky
Hi SassyB,

There is a type of boundary which shuts out people, and that kind of boundary can protect us, and sometimes we must do that, but in codependency we call that boundary as a "wall" because it is very tough and hard and firm.

The healthy kind of boundaries for healing the codependency are much more fun and beneficial and empowering, because the healthy boundaries make so that we can face anyone and communicate with anyone and they make so that we can control our own life under any circumstance.

The healthy kind of boundary for codependency is to control our self, and control our feelings and control our emotions, so then our feelings and emotions will stop controlling our self.

Links:
1) http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/boundaries/

2) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201205/creating-boundaries

3) http://codependentboundaries.blogspot.com/2008/08/personal-boundaries-laura-busch.html

The tough boundaries say "no" while the healthiest of boundaries say - Yes we can.
deleted_user
deleted_user
sassybabe,

SO true. We have the right to walk away from any abuser who continues to behave in ways that violate our personal boundaries. Most times problems occur because people think we must constantly negotiate our boundaries until everyone is happy. That is simply an abusers way of controlling others.

Not every person or situation is a workable one. When abusers continue to demand that "yes" is the only correct or appropriate answer, they are in truth trying to control others into allowing boundaries to be completely violated. This is why choosing to walk away has to be a totally acceptable part of our tool kit.

One thing we never have to do is to negotiate our right to have whatever boundaries we choose.
sassybabe11
sassybabe11
that's why we stay away from these people. what others think of me is none of my business. I have tried training other as you say bookie it does not work. I had to walk away fro family members that no matter what I did they critized me and turned it around that I was the selfish one that was a pain in the ass. I gave up on a desire to be accepted as I am with them. we all are placed in roles in our family and when we stop accepting that position then they are confused and so are we. some people you just cant resolve conflicts with and then I think we come to the point that we stop trying and accept that they are who they are and that we are who we are. but as I say this and have done with certain family members it is a good feeling to me that I am not doing that to get a reaction, but rather to start a new thinking about my value and rights as a person who deserves to get what I need and if those that make me feel bad ( cause we let them) harm me then stay away or limit association with them
deleted_user
deleted_user
Eh Sassy, She divorced him before and now she is remarrying him....because he has money? Don't envy her. She may be as lonely as you deep down. But money is a promise of not much. The great depression of the 1930s proved this when people who were well off had money that became useless paper. Many committed suicide over that. I'm not wishing bad upon her. Just saying what is real about money. As for the rest you don't have to go to her marraige ceremony or be with others. That can be lonely....but better than the alternative? I've been there. Try to enjoy the freedom you have being single. Having a partner is not the ultimate thing in life. Society wants us to believe it is. But it isn't I just got to learn to love me and not rely on others to make me feel good. Sounds like it might be a good goal for you also. And than when MR Right comes you will be ready. And the cool thing is that you'll have two people who'll love you. Mr Right and YOU. I hope this helps.