Hi Sassy: Relatives or people that are drunk are people that I place outside of my boundaries. I don't want to be around drunks so I am not.

If this is all about how bad the family treat you, then naturally set your boundaries to exclude people who do not treat you with respect and dignity and that may include family. It's not unheard of for family to be toxic and because they are family doesn't make them automatically non-toxic.

If this is because you are jealous of what your sister now will have and the money and such, then go. Jealousy isn't becoming and I don't believe it is natural and instead is something we should not work to rid ourselves of. What we may be jealous of that looks so great on the outside, may end up being pretty hard for the person to live with and a high price to pay in their life. It's better to look and be grateful for what we have. Many hugs.

Being jealous of relatives who appear to have everything is pretty normal when they cause us so much pain. The fact that you realize you are jealous is great!

I find that jealousy is another emotion in hiding like anger or fear. That is my personal observation. You have every right to feel all the feelings that you feel. That is just natural.
NOW, acting on those feeling - that would lead us to do things we will regret later on.

I have a rotten sister who has bi-polar but refuses therapy OR medications to help her deal with it respectfully. We eventually had an intervention type thing with her to explain that we have a right to peaceful lives without her constant expectations that we drop our lives at any point or time to fix her messes. If she choose to do therapy and medications, then we would be willing to support her because she was making some effort to make life better. She choose NO. So we all choose to extricate ourselves from her constant demands that we scrimp and save to rescue her from her own messes.

It is hard when she only tells the parts that make it seem like her life is so perfect. But I know that she is hiding all the rotten stuff that always goes on in her life.

The hardest part for me is the way that she lies to other relatives about me and in fact tells lies about everyone. It takes time to straighten out all these lies. But thankfully family all know her now.

Still it is hurtful when family ostracizes us and then expects us to support them like they never did anything to cause hurts. You can choose to attend her wedding or not based on how you feel about this situation.

I would journal and see if there are others feelings that need to see the light of day. Even past hurts that your sister caused can be things to work on now that this feeling is raw and right up front.
OR talk to someone who understands what this is like.

Hope you find some healing in this situation. We always have the choice to choose to use every situation to create healing.

Let us know how you are doing.
Sunny

Hi sassybabe.

My family is soooo messed up, too!
I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers.
The only sane one moved to Alabama; my oldest brother.
My family will talk behind each other's backs.
They will not truly help each other.
My other older brother is an alcoholic.
I live at my Mom's house with brothers.
I am dying here. I have to get away from this place soon.
I got divorced last year. I have joint custody of my two
girls. I have Bipolar Type 2 Disorder and Codependency.
What am I going to do? GOD please help us all.

I am so sorry that your sister died a year ago this day.


With LOVE and understanding,
heathercliff

Correction: I meant to say we SHOULD work to rid ourselves of jealousy-- my typing again.

What I say is that you do need to go to the marriage, and go to any and all family events, because family is super important.

What you need to do is simply called BOUNDARIES, in that you must go to the events without getting upset or angry, do not cry or pout and you must not talk negative to anyone about anything, because controlling your own emotions is what is meant by having boundaries.

If you do not go then that is being weak and your family will know that you are hiding from them and that is a dysfunction.

In order to FUNCTION you have to be there, and you have to be polite and respectful until you leave without pressure as then it functioned instead of dysfunction.

To give a smile and to be cheerful when you feel otherwise - that is the show of strength.

Link = "healthy boundaries have nothing to do with others at all"
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrain/201205/creating-boundaries

Link = "healthy boundaries are limits I set on my own behavior"
http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/boundaries/

Link = "people who have exceptionally good manners have a much better understanding of personal boundaries than people who don't."
http://codependentboundaries.blogspot.com/2008/08/personal-boundaries-laura-busch.html

The boundaries put onto our self work, while hiding from our own family never makes a healthy boundary.

wow such great comments. that's so much. I think that family issues are obviously a big concern for all of us. love the honesty. I do plan of going. will not stay late or drink much as I don't want to be drawn into the drama. little hx. before my sister got sick and passed did a lot of detachment and was really dealing with family issues ( my issues with them) fairly well. although I was not able to not spend time with both is them through this illness and death. that was my decision. and although it has caused me a lot of conflict and set me back on my journey to take care of myself, I could not have been at emotional peace unless I had spend time with my sister before her passing. and I know her life will not be perfect as she tries to make it look. the thing that pisses me off is that I know she is just on purpose trying to make many feel envious of her. she always does this. and I am angry as I said that I fall into this place of envy. meaning that she still has a lot of power over me.

what I meant was that I had to spend more time around sisters than was healthy for me during the illness and death. think yesterday ( 1 year of sister passing) just brought up a lot of feeling. but I did take care of me by not going though with spending the day with the sister that is so difficult for me to be around. this is the weird part of that. I was mad that she did not press me more to spend the day with here and at the same time did not want to!!! think this is the part of me that thinks that family should be together in stressful times. there I said it. feel better just admitting such "stinkin thinkin"

Families really do need to stand together in stressful times - so how can you call that "stinkin thinkin" ?

I agree that it is not comfortable to stand with family especially when they are unkind and ungrateful - but then that is why it is a stressful time.

As to your sister wanting to make people envious of her - then I say why not give that to her and let her have her moment.

Go up to her and tell her that you are happy for her and proud of her and that you do hope that you too will be so blessed your self some day as she is.

It is okay to let her have the power some times.

To give away power is the true strength.

Interesting take, Booky. I kind of like that idea. You 2 have been playing this game back and forth with the envy thing. Why not just give her what she is so desparately trying to get from you. Tell her you are happy for her, envious, and that you hope to have that same kind of happiness in your life again. Then there, it's out there! No more family drama. Nothing to hide from or cover up anymore. She certainly can't rub your face in it when you've already admitted her life is wonderful. THEN, you can turn to focus back to you and how you can go about getting that great life you want. You know you didn't have that ability with the last guy you dumped, so you've moved on and set yourself up for some future happiness. Now's the time to figure out what will bring you that happiness. Give your sister her day. Yours is just around the corner.

The problem with "giving them what they want" is that they view it as weakly agreeing that they have the right to try and over power you. That will only bring on more and more pain.

There is nothing wrong with maintaining your boundaries. And refusing to give in to the demands that you behave in ways that go counter to your belief. Then they turn on you when they no longer need you to prove they are wonderful and in control.

Family that only wants you around for their benefit is just using you. Like any other abusive relationship, one does not have to continue to play a part in such situations for any reason. Just because we were born into a relationship with these people does NOT mean that we are required to continue to do things to uplift them without any support for ourselves. That is totally one way. As with all one way relationships, we get to choose to walk away so we can build relationships that also build us up when we are in need.

SunnyB,

Some times we just have to let down our defenses and let other people do as they do, and let them think as they think.

If we are doing a thing which is nice and considerate for another person - then if the other person views it as weakness then that is their problem.

"giving them what they want"
That takes strength to give unto others, and it is far from being weak.

Taking from others is the wrong, denying from others what they want or what they need is being mean, as we even need to be loving to our enemies.

And I do not mean enabling their addiction or supporting their hateful ways, but if it is harmless and makes them happy then I say give and keep giving, and then hope that it blossoms.

And it is okay to have it only "one way" because often times the other person is damaged or dysfunctional, so then we have the option for our self to be the strong one while they are weak, so very often "one way" is the only way available.

good comments on both sides. yes booky I understand what u are saying. I have never got that from her though many of my good and bad times. but holding on to resentment hurts me. it is the slow release of anger. some thoughts that I have had are that one she is code and her actions are just what she is and how she responds to what she is not getting from others also. probably includes me in the list. it is very one sided believe me. but to wish those that hurt you the best is a start to recovery for me. if I had not been so desperate to be close to her and my passed sister I would have spoke up much earlier- like years before. but I did not set my boundaries with them and let myself feel like a victim. stinkin thinkin is not that families should be close, but rather that my thinking is messing me up and need to work on that. sunny bunn- I understand what u are saying also but for myself I need to let go of it and go on. but agree that it is not good to stay in close with those that hurt us. we need to be around those that lift us up and embrace us as a part of there world. this envy and jealousy crap is a attitude instilled in both of us for many years. need to look at myself and know that I am ok even if those that I want to be a part of don't accept me

The way I look at it is, family is family. There is some amount of dysfunction in every family, but some are worse than others. You are looking for the ideal family, but you won't have it. Your family is a mess, and that's just how it is. You will never get from them what you're seeking, because they just don't have it to give. So you have to have boundaries with your family. Be realistic with what you can expect from them. They're not going to change. Expect to get from them what you always get, and I guess feel kind of sorry for them that they don't have much to offer. You are a sweet and caring person. You need to look elsewhere for the kind of support you're seeking from them because they can't give it to you. See you family for what they are, warts and all. Take the good and leave the rest. Be a family for the important events in life, but look elsewhere for the positive reinforcement and support you crave, because they aren't able to give it to you. Let youru sister have her day, tell her she's wonderful, her life is wonderful, everything is wonderful. It will probably not make much of an impact, just like all of your other tactics with her haven't made much of an impact. She's dysfunctional, and only she can help herself, and she doesn't want to. Stop beating your head against the wall over her. She's a hot mess and probably always will be. You don't need to let her take you down along with her. You've been to counseling, and you have all the tools you need to make a better life for yourself. Don't let your family hold you back.

Here is some information for you about basic rights in a health relationship:

Basic Rights in a Relationship
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:
The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

From this site:

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/

I would NOT like to see anyone trying to enforce all of that.

The only way that I can see that list ever being true then you would have to lock your self inside of your house all alone and do not have any relationship with anyone.

Even more-so is I would like to see anyone tell that stuff to my family and see what they do to that list.

That list is just unrealistic.

The Counseling Center might view that as ideal, but nobody lives like that in real life unless you are hiding away from your neighbors and your family.

Or just living a phony life.