I may have talked about this friend/friends here before.  It used to be that I did not have friends, and was lonely, I was the codependent one, who was probably burning other people out. After I learned how to stop over-relying on other people and become more confident, more comfortable with my own company, etc, I got better at attracting friends. 

Now the shoe is on the other foot.  I feel like I am really pushed to my limit with this one group of friends and now with one person in particular. When I've discussed it in therapy and in support groups, the response that I get is the same, that this group of people is toxic.  This year, I have made at least one new friend completely outside this group, and it's a totally different vibe. I'm changing up my network, gradually. 

This particular person that I am talking about has developed quite a bad temper over the years.  It is very difficult to deal with. I feel like I am tiptoeing around her quite a bit of the time.  In particular lately, I feel like our relationship has sort of deteriorated into just airing grievances. It isn't doing fun stuff like we used to do.  There is mutual giving and getting support, but this seems to have clouded everything else out, to where now I am just listening to her rage and throw tantrums, which is extremely exhausting. To be fair, she's listened to me scream and cry a few times.  Like when we were all trapped inside during lockdown and election night when I hit the ceiling, but that is another topic and I won't go there. 

She seems to be in a somewhat toxic bond with her mother, they are joined at the hip, they moved in together a few years ago. The mother has gotten frail, and requires help. Most recently, her mom had to go back to the hospital.  She had a benign mass in her face, of all places.  It is not cancerous, She will be OK.  They have let me stay at their house one time after coming out of the hospital, so I want to show some appreciation and loyalty. I call to see how she is doing. But, as is typical with my friend, she is always in a very bad mood about one thing or another. If it's not this, it's something else. When she gets going she raises her voice, it's disturbing. Typically she will call or text when I am just winding down, chilling, whatever. Last week I picked up the phone while at the gym-the only time I have my mind off of stress, news, politics, whatever, and I'm finally in a better mental place. When I pick up the phone its to hear her yelling, ranting and shouting, I'm immediately pulled right out of my positive mood and go to a bad place immediately. This has become the baseline in dealing with her.  I think there is now a term for it, called "the crisis friend."

I generallly have a sixth sense when people are going to contact me. I have been very exhausted since the election, been very hard to sleep, my mental health has been touch and go. Our group has been on a text chain for four years which has become more like spam. I feel so bombarded with constant contact. It's overwhelming. And you can't leave if some are on an iPhone and others on android. This weekend she started yet another text chain. I was trying to sleep.  This was a text chain for affirmations, which with them is pretty much useless as everyone reverts to complaining. She was in the text chain with her mom and said if we'd like to join great, but if we want to opt out let her know. I wished her mom well but said thanks, but I was going to opt out.

After I said thanks but I'll opt out, she persisted, and took a rude tone, saying that she was not able to remove me from the chat, that I'd have to remove myself. (I can't because I'm on iPhone and she's not) She continued, "Let me reiterate: the original message is as stated..." and reposted the original text.  It was like I never said no thank you. Thank God the AI detected the thread of the conversation and prompted me: "Do you want to delete and block this chat"?  Which I did do, as I can't initiate that on my own. I was so angry at her response, and her insistence that she couldn't remove me and the languaging she was using.  It comes across as so aggressive.  Once THAT chat was finally slienced, she didn't stop...she started to text me individually, updating me on everything with her mom, that she was choosing to quit work until the end of the year to stay home with her.  I'm not sure why I need to be told every detail of everything, all the gross disgusting medical details and all.  I was so exhausted and overwhelmed and never got to sleep yesterday afternoon because of the text bombardment.

I didn't answer the last text. I had felt some guilt and shame and a lot of anger. I feel if I continue to pick up the phone every time and respond to everything, she will escalate the behavior.  Why am I responsible for their well being? Why do I need to know every blow by blow detail of everything? She has also let one of our friends move cross country and into her house-and now she's going to quit her job too!  They are not moving into mine!  This is too much, all I ever wanted was some people to do some stuff with. I don't want to take on huge emotional labor and be a crisis line.