"Many people call us bad people"

This is where i will see what is mine versus theirs. They labelling me bad or trouble maker is their problem not mine....i dont have to please them and live my life.... its my life ..... they are outright judging me. I am not judging others good or bad .... i am judging if this behavior from other person is good or bad for me..will i grow if i am around these people?

That said yes everybody has wounds and people throw salt at them...we react... is it to blame on people who throw salt at u or look into ur own inner wounds. Something to think abt.

It's all a matter of word choice. Instead of the words "good" and "bad", perhaps use the words "suitable" and "unsuitable"-!

I ask myself: "Is this person (place, situation, thing) Healthy for me or Not Healthy for me?" That is the bottom line. Because asking myself the more pedestrian: "Can I learn from them?" -- that answer is always going to be "Yes." But are they "healthy" for me? Ah. There in lies the rub.

Been in too many abusive situations where I try to keep an open-mind, only to find I'm in the midst of a shark tank.

Example: whether it's politics or religion or any other strong belief system, I find it is safest not to befriend someone who is very strong in their conviction, IF they have difficulty with my own. I can respect and enjoy them on other levels, but IF this become the lynch-pin of the friendship (and it has in various situations), I have to remove myself from what is a highly-charged situation. Because it becomes very unhealthy for me to be accused of some unknowing faux-pas.

Another Example: I have a friend who I've only met on the phone meetings. We identify with each other a lot, yet are different enough that we share our own perspectives on common issues and can talk about a multitude of subjects from differing viewpoints. We "Complement" each other. We do not discuss religion or politics. And it's not necessary. Even if she feels strongly about these aspects of her life, it's not something she needs to discuss with me. And so, this friendship is healthy and strong.

In regards to someone who has been Hurtful to me, that's a very telling question: "Is this person Healthy for me?" The answer is clearly "No, he treats me like dirt." A little harder to argue this logic. Perhaps don't want to see him as "bad" -- perhaps even see why he is the way he is -- but, it becomes inarguable that to protect myself, I need to create distance. To detach.

Same applies to workplace situations. "Is this environment healthy for me?"

Keep it simple.

Now, in terms of what's been going on with this deranged lone man going into movie theater and mowing down over 70 people with various forms of firearms: I would judge him as "bad." Anyone who physically hurts others (be it people or animals) is "bad." Because according to my dictionary, Bad: "Injurious, Harmful; Unhealthy."

jmho

Hi amelah,

I really liked your posting and I am NOT criticizing you at all, but I want to take issue with your last paragraph.

In codependency recovery then we simply must learn better ways of expressing our feelings, and judging as "good and bad" is just too childish and we need to increase of vocabulary regarding our feelings.

Saying the killer is a bad man who did a bad thing is just not adequate.

As like saying the Batman is the good guy and the Joker is the bad guy is just not adequate - it is not a realistic expression of feelings.

A little child stealing cookies from the cookie jar might be called a bad boy, but a grown man who shoots up a movie theater was acting like a monster and committing horrible crimes and cruelties - so he was something far more than being bad.

I agree with you that keeping it simple is usually the best way, but not overly simplistic.