I dont really understand the question but I think that we feel so strongly that we are right in the way we think and act that if there are others that dont, we feel like we cannot accept that and make it hard for them. Is this what you mean? I am starting to think that no matter what the person is like, its not ok to be so judgemental and upset with them. Just be understanding and agree to disagree.

Hi hdgdaystar,

My answer is yes, it is okay for you to judge behaviors/events, etc. as positive or negative for you. The word judge has a negative connotation, but if you check the meaning, it can mean to form an opinion or estimate. And we do not operate in a vacuum with people. Some people are nice to be around and others are not. If someone repeatedly behaves in a way that is contrary to our own values or preferences, why can't we say to ourselves "That person is not a positive influence in my life" and avoid them.

If you have a certain set of beliefs or principles, why can't you choose to be with people who support that? I think it is natural to form an opinion about those who do not support your values as not good for you personally. Actually, I think it is healthy to take care of yourself in that way.

It seems like it is always so tough for us Cos because we are so sensitive to others and we do not want to be judgmental in the sense of critical. To me, that is different.

If my brother wants to leave a free-spirited life and I like a more organized life, that is just a preference, IMO. But if I need to interact and he is very unreliable, then I need to limit my interaction because my value system is, be reliable to others (and I am not changing him). So he is entitled to his lifestyle and preferences, but if our values do not match, I need to take care of myself and my peace of mind by limiting our interactions.

Shar

Speedy103 - " Make it hard for them" Sorry I didnt mean it that way.. Its more to do in lines of what shar just replied. What is right and wrong for me from my values standpoint for me...

Shar - Thanks for elaborating with an example... I do think in the same lines too, i also wanted to see what others have to say.

My therapist thinks that Value system can be scaled. As in My number one value is Freedom This can be my friends value as 10th. We may be in good terms with our values. But if the freedom is never a value or a value 30 on my friends list than the relationship is something i may need to reconsider. I think she is right .. Still working on this one. Any further comments.

Yes, in my opinion, it's perfectly okay to judge others as good or bad for you.

But, if you instantly shun others based on first impressions, you also might be missing out on some good times. Take a chance, let others in a bit, THEN decide whether they are good or bad for you.

And recognize that you are more powerful than you think you are. Use words as your sword and shield. You CAN influence others.

I struggle with this concept of judging as well. Maybe what you are really trying to avoid is being critical. There's a difference between being critical of another person versus judging their behaviors as incompatible for you based on your own goals and the types of influences you want in your life. I agree with everybody that it is perfectly fine to judge a person as "bad" for you because of their behaviors and I don't think that means you are being critical of them. I too struggle and am working on this concept.

I agree that it is okay to judge people and judge actions and judge things, but I find that judging anything or anyone as being "good or bad" is not a healthy way of judging.

What I learned to do is to judge things differently, as like judge people as being friend or enemy, or the person is helpful or useless, and judging things as like is the thing worthwhile or a waste or time or is it just nothing.

To truly express our own feelings then we need to expand our vocabulary so as to make it more accurate.

No thing or person is ever truly "bad" just like no person can live up to the title of being "good" and there is no reason to put that kind of absolute pressure onto our judgements.

This one person is friendly today but was unfriendly yesterday, so it goes one day at a time.

hdgdaystar,
Discernment is the beginning of wisdom. As far as I know there is still freedom of speech. I can think what I want and now I do. Boundaries and listening to my gut keep me safe. There is evil in this world and I've lived with it. I'm not convinced these people had a good side to them, ever.

Hi Again,

Well, as what seems like usual, I have a different perspective than Booky. I think judging someone as good or bad for me, as in supportive or toxic for me is a healthy way to judge. Please note, this is relative to me. That is my judgment. I am not saying that overall they are a good or bad person, but in relationship with me, they are good for me or bad for me.

I do agree that people are complex and do not necessarily exhibit the same exact behaviors every day, but over time there is usually a pattern.

I don't see good/bad or supportive/toxic as absolutes, but, my brother, for example, has no problem standing me up. This is a pattern and he has done it numerous times. Therefore, why do I want to waste my time and set myself up for disappointment? That behavior is toxic and I avoid setting up times to meet him.

In some ways it is not that difficult to figure out. If I usually feel good around someone, I wish to continue. If I feel upset, anxious, guilt, shame, I probably do not want to expand the relationship. And as I said, it is in relation to me, my perceptions, and my feelings, only.

Shar

A good day with therapist... One hour of great take aways...

Shar/Koolman I agree with your responses.

This is what my therapist recommended -

Ask yourself why am i going to be around people, places, things which influence me against my own values?

I say if you base your values on "good and bad" as in this person is good and that person bad, and judge things as in you will do these good things and nothing that you judge as bad, THEN you will turn your self into a self righteous and stuck up person your self.

It is true that we might want to avoid abusers and get away from violent stuff, but we do not want to prop our self up as some high and mighty overlord who judges people and things too harshly.

Hi All,

From my perspective, it is not about high and mighty or setting myself up to be stuck-up or anything else. It is simply that if someone acts supportive and loving, I want to be around them. If they are critical, mean, negative, etc. I do not. It is not because I think I am above or better than. I have been around the negativity long enough and it is hurtful.

Now, my choice is the good stuff. And if I have choices (which I do) I choose the positive. That is it. It is not because I have some superior attitude. It is because I care enough about myself to want to be supported rather than treated badly. I consider that recovery.

Shar

Booky

"Nothing that you judge as bad"
May be what i am judging for self is bad but it is my bad isn't it and not others bad. About stuck and mighty overlord i am not worried about those because i believe in my higher power to guide me on right path .

It all dwells down to Am i growing or going down around people places things for me. That doesn't mean i am judgmental of others it means i am taking care of myself.

I agree with Shar. After being in a toxic relationship i learned to be a judge for myself. Im not trying to be self rightious. Im just looking out for me. Although i have pushed people away by being too judgemental outloud sort of speak. Cant be rude to those who u dont appreciate their ways. Be accepting but not judgemental.. Kind of hard to do when the ways of others affect ur life.. Its tough.

I say it is important to know that there are lots of people who see us here as being "bad" people.

My own family calls me a trouble maker because I try to work out codependency issues, or if I try to get my family together for a family event then again I am accused of being a trouble maker - the "bad" guy.

I find it to be unjust when it is said about me.

Hi Booky,

I would not like to be called a "trouble-maker" or "the bad guy" either. What is it that they are reacting to negatively? Organizing a family get-together is seen as trying to create trouble? Wow.

Shar