Hello,

It's been a while since I posted here.  I think I was posting a lot around the holidays-I look back on the posts and see so much rumination, LOL.  At any rate, things have evolved strangely.  On a positive note, my recovery from the broken leg has gone well.  Very, very difficult, but it is going OK.  I have been able to transition to walking somewhat with crutches, and now I am doing physical therapy and walking with a brace/immobilizer.  My job is mostly standing, so this is pretty challenging.

In mid-January, a very close friend of ours died-all on top of everything that was happening. 

Life continues to throw curveballs.  As I was just climbing out of this, my mom fell and broke her hip. She was in ICU and it was nearly fatal.  I'm very worried. She's currently in a longer-term facility to do daily physical therapy, but has some pretty bad underlying conditions that threaten her health.  I also caught an intensely bad flu/cold and have been home from work...yet again for a week or so...it just keeps hanging on. I'm not able to visit mom of course when sick. She has COPD and had pnemonia.

Anyway, leading up to my main point. It is, I believe, the end of the road with one very long time friend if not the whole group.  I am beyond furious at this point.  I had posted a lot last year about the complications of having broken my leg around graduation, I thought things were smoothed over. My one "good friend" who I called for support in the midst of all this-we taked in mid-December. She assured me that she valued my friendship and at least appeared to sympathize with me on the fact that I was stressed by our larger friend group.  After some time had passed, I thought things had calmed down. I apologized to the woman that I was irritated with and she accepted.  After my recovery progressed, I was in a much better mental place.

What appears to be happening at this point looks to be quite a big betrayal in my opinion.  I can deal with a number of things, some attitude, some pushiness, some irritation.  If you are a pretty decent or moral person I will forgive you and let it go. What is happening here now looks pretty inexcusable.

Our friend, who lived cross-country, suddenly died.  It was just a total shock. I had spent many, many times with this person. We went on countless road trips with her, virtual meets, picnics.  Although I was not close with her one on one, I did like her a lot.  She was to have visited here now in March, but passed in mid-January.  I sent money. I donated. I sent pictures for the hard-copy photo album. Weirdly, this person who I had the "heart to heart" with has gone totally dark. The photos went unacknowledged.  We were supposed to go and sing karakoke for our friend and she went on a different day-herself.  Finally, I got a call in early Feburary that the memorial is to be this Saturday, Mar. 8.  So I put it down on the calendar.  Since then, I nearly lost my mom. Where has this person been? NOWHERE.  This 'create a photo album' event is supposed to be Saturday. That is three days away.  No time, no location. I feel like she has absconded with my donation and photos. I am pretty sure that I am being disinvited from the event. I would doubt that it is cancelled.

Just a couple of weeks ago I went, on crutches, to her food stand to support her local business.  I found it odd that I purchased sixteen dollars in goods, gave her a twenty, and no mention whatsoever was made of making change. Not  a big deal, but odd.

Before where I was exasperated with peoples seeming controlling and neediness, this honestly is a totally different ballgame. It is my true feeling that something as serious as a death should be handled with a lot more sensitivity. The silence is  shocking. I get people may be irriated at me as I was just not in a good place mentally around the holidays and after a bad accident. The pattern of disregard is appaling. What is likely going to happen is that they are going to have the memorial after inviting me, and not tell me the time or location. If this does in fact happen, it will spell the absolute END. At this point it kind of looks like retaliation for me canceling my graduation. And frankly, if I get last minute info about where to attend I won't. There is something really shady about last minute invites for major events. 

I think there is no coming back from this. Part of me wants to blame myself, another part of me is in just in shock. I was more than an acquaintance to this person. It looks very shady, like she took the donations, etc and just split.  I was supposed to get a certificate of the planted tree we paid for. Not a lot of money, but some.  In addition, I was supposed to have been on the trip with this woman to the Midwest to visit. I would have gone but was working and attending school.

A couple of friends have called to ask about my mom. Heck, even more "casual" friends have checked in on me with reguarity.  My 'party, low key' friends have been way more interested. What gives?

Mid last year, when I was attending aftercare from IOP and talking with a recovery friend who had met her, they didn't have much nice to say. They said even last summer to end the relationship. This person had said some really nasty things to me on my birthday. They had said I should have walked out. My friend from AA had met her once at a party she was supposed to cater with their business. I was not there. Apparently she showed up over an hour late and the party was nearly ruined.  My friend from recovery has long been telling me she's bad news and to cut loose. I really didn't want to believe it. She thinks for a variety of reasons that she was trying to use me. Too much to go into here. It's one of those situations where I have to admit, "you were right."  She is the person that moved this unemployed lady into my friend's house. So weird.

I'm ready to remove some people from social media and delete from my phone. Yes, it's that deep.

Out of every situation there is some learning experience, some takeaway.  And I have had some interesting ones. I think from this one is that like an old life coach said to me it's better to leave these situations sooner rather than later.  The other takeaway is that sometimes, maybe it's OK to "ghost" if you will and leave quietly. I had thought the way to resolve conflict was to talk it out, well that's what I thought. What I get from this is that there are some people for whom taking it out does NO GOOD.  This seems to be the case here. That's why I waited to bring up concerns and put off having a talk.  She pretended to understand and listen and looks to be stabbing me right in the back.  Honestly if some people's behavior is that difficult to begin with, talking about it isn't going to help much. Probably their self awareness is so low that if they are acting a fool in the first place, trying to talk it out won't change that.  If I'm being honest she's been low key hating I think for a while. Something felt weird.  Damn I can't get out of here fast enough.