Codependency Support Group
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" I think this is good for u" this statement ticks me off as soon as it comes fromm other person. I immediately say i think i know whats good for me than you isnt it and leave it there... people see that as OMG shes got some attitude.. how would u respond when i say something is good for u?
When my mother says that to me (and she is the primary one who says it), I do feel annoyed. If it is something I do not want to do, I will say, "Well, okay, that is what you think but I am not doing it." My mother thinks having a full day, every day is the only way to live. So she thinks getting out every day is "good for me." And I do not agree, so it can be annoying.
I guess it depends on what they are talking about If someone was offering a piece of fruit and said that because I am declining, I would just say, "Well, it may be, but I do not want any right now, so thank you anyway."
It sounds like it might be a trigger for you. Any reason why you feel angry when they say it? Do you feel like they are crossing a boundary? What are they saying this in reference to, and why?
Hugs,
Shar
For example a friend says to me i have restricted my life because of having dogs and it would be good if i can give them away...
I have never restricted my life because of my dogs. If i have to go to a vacation i can have them in kennel, they can go with me , they can stay home and my roomate can take care of them.. Worse case i can ship them to my brother in a different state to take care of them. So why should i give them away when i i love having dogs... just because somebodys view is more good and better for me than my own?
When some one says "I think this is good for you" in my direction I say ... Your opinion is your business not mine unless I asked to hear your opinion.
This is not in a mean voice but matter of fact. i would figure that anger would possibly occur if one has yet to reclaim their personal power which means no ones opinion about me in that the other person feels entitled to taking care of MY HEALTH (let alone their own). Children are taken care of by adults. Mom knows what is best for baby. Once I am an adult my health is my responsibility. I am no longer dependent.
Just for the record, my mother still goes into take care of me as her offsprint (adult now) despite the fact that I have been doing it for decades. I used to get angry. Now I just shake my head and say "sure thing". It doesn't mean much to me except that she is on auto pilot or sleep walking or engaging in one of her favorite roles. But I no longer get confused by one persons opinion and the fact that my hands are on the drivers wheel even if some people are blind.
That is interesting about your dogs. I wonder why it bothers the person so much. As you said, you have alternatives, so it does not stop you from doing what you really want, but even if it did, I wonder why it is bothering that person?
I have a couple of cats, and honestly, sometimes it is easier to keep things to a day trip than make plans to have someone take care of them (unless a big vacation, which I have not done for quite awhile). But it is my choice, and I prefer what I am choosing.
My mom does not have pets and would not let my Dad get a dog a few years back because she wanted to be more impromptu about taking little trips.
But that is her preference, and like you, I prefer my pets. I guess what I find interesting about this, is that it really does not effect the person telling you, does it? So they are just making a pronouncement because they do not live that way? Kind of funny. and reminds me of one relative who thinks there is only one way to do anything-her way. LOL.
I recommend a big ignore button, l although I might be tempted to ask them why it bothers them, when I am happy with my arrangement. Don't they want to see you happy?
Hugs,
Shar
Shar
my mother always told me i shouldn't have pets because "you cannot afford them." what was not acknowledged is that i'm a very responsible pet owner (who worked for a cat vet for many years) who does not take commitment lightly, who is very attuned to my pet's needs. "you cannot afford them" is just someone (my mother) putting their own standards and expectations onto me. Controlling me.
well, in some ways, she was right. i really cannot afford animals, but at the same time, there's a loving way to go about discussing it, if that's truly the concern.
in the end, i wound up with 2 of her discarded cats over the years. Go figure... This time I was given money from her estate to take care of the feline friend. Kind of funny to think about it that way, huh?
Perhaps it was her own fears and her own agenda. Her standards were very different than mine. i do not discard my pets like she has done.
you know that saying: "Consider the Source?" Well here's another example: my Bff is very much NOT an animal lover. So, in his perfect world, i should not have a pet. he alludes to what he thinks is good for me without being overbearing, but on this front, he is wrong. i have been crying for awhile about needing a feline friend. he basically was trying to get me to find other ways to nurture myself without the "hassle" of a pet and all the responsibility that comes with it. i can't travel so easily once i own a pet (i haven't been on vacation in years!) ... of course, he doesn't like cats or cat fur or kitty kisses.
ah, Consider the Source, indeed.
in the end, i have my mother's crazy cat. who comforts me better than i've been doing for myself on some days.
i think when someone starts trying to project onto us what they think is good for us? unless we're hurting someone (or ourselves), it's really not their business -- especially if we didn't ask for the advice. and then if you have a reaction to their impertinence and they insinuate that you have attitude? that's just them trying to control even further, right?
Because from here it just sounds like you're just drawing a boundary for yourself. And there's nothing wrong with that.
((Hugs))
meant it read as:
"Perhaps it was her own fears and her own agenda, trying to tell me what to do (telling me that I cannot afford a pet). Her standards were very different than mine (re. finances). And i do not discard my pets like she has done.