Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
The stone that started the avalanche was earlier this week I went into his space and he sarcastically called me selfish and evil. I took my stuff elsewhere so he could have his space back but he kept on with the selfish and evil comments and I finally had enough and told him that was enough. I’ve been stonewalled for that, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise because it gave me a chance to do mad journaling for four days and made me realize that what was really keeping me here was guilt and that I didn’t owe him anything.
But I was still attached, even after I confronted him about the stonewalling, which was a hilarious five hour ordeal of me making multiple attempts to talk to him. Finally I pretended that Higher Power was holding my hand and guiding me to talk to him, and he told me he agreed that I wasn’t wrong to say enough. He just thought it was best that we say as little to each other as possible so we don’t annoy each other.
I know. WTF. Still I was regretting taking his space earlier this week and was watching him laugh at things without me and wishing I could be part of his happiness.
Anyways today I gathered up the courage to ask him if one of the comments he made during that confrontation was him saying he wanted to break up. He had mentioned our miserable living situation and I said I was willing to move heaven and earth to move and make things better for him and he said no he’ll hopefully find a job soon and move in a couple of months . I wanted him to clarify if that meant he wanted to break up. He said no he didn’t want to break up.
Don’t ask why but that made me realize he’s choosing to be miserable. I’m not making him miserable. I’m not responsible for his misery. he’s doing this to himself.
That was hugely freeing.
I’m not going to rush into anything regarding this relationship. My concentration is alanon and healing. But he can stonewall me all he wants now because I don’t feel responsible for his misery anymore. I mean, I’m sad he’s miserable. I really want him to be happy. But I don’t feel responsible for it anymore.
Oh man, when I remember how frantic and crazy I was when I first got here because I couldn’t stand how miserable he was, what a difference this is! Thanks to all the amazing people here who put up with my spamming. You were a lifeline let me tell you. I seriously thought I was going crazy. Thank God urbangardener told me to get off the emotional rollercoaster. Since then, I was able to start edging my way back to sanity.
-
Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
-
It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
My concern is for you only, just popped into my head about him 'saying' he'd get a job. Is there anyway you could put money aside with each paycheck so if life become too much 'insanity' you will have a bit of a nest egg?
I wish you the best!
Don’t worry, I’m fine financially and have places to go if needed. I’m going to tread carefully for now but I will definitely keep up with alanon and healing. I want to be stronger.
Well let’s hope the progress continues tomorrow. I’m worried I’m going to wake up and be all desperate and needing control again.
Al-anon...the program is a process which takes ""'time to take in"""' and time to """practice""".
You have the best of all tools, awareness....One Day At A Time
BTW the courage to change daily readings are gold. It’s amazing how applicable they’ve been to my life.
He’s done this before and usually I join in the joke and go along with how I’m Satan and evil. The article asked how scapegoating met my need in the relationship and I wrote this: “ I use it as a way to show him I’m the cool girlfriend. For a while it let me feel connected to him because it was our little in-joke. I was willing to give up my dignity just to feel close to him. He was ridiculing me but I was so desperate not to rock the boat and then used it as a way for us to bond.“
Wow. Okay. I need never to do that again. I have to remember I do teach people how to treat me. She had excellent tips on how not to be a scapegoat which basically came down to loving myself. I am going to work on that.
I also realize I’ve been scapegoating my Mom. I’m doing the same thing he does but with my mother and I need to stop that too.
Also very insightful was when the article said the scapegoats “acts as a container for an abuser’s rage, contempt, and disdain.” I was like, like YIKES that ain’t healthy at all! But I sadly see the truth in it :(
Well, the good thing about the stonewalling is he hasn’t been able to say anything negative or critical, and I think he’s going to be wary of doing so from now on if we ever do end up talking to each other again.
Good to see the bright side. Today was a rough day. It’s really exhausting and often heartbreaking this healing thing, but I know I’m going to come out stronger and happier for it.