Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Not sure how to make a long story short here. I am on my own with limited support. I have some friends, which are great, but the situation with the family is bad. The history is that there has been a lot of domestic violence perpetuated against me first by my dad, and then my brother. It is entrenched over many years, spanning back to the 1980s. After much support and in person CODA groups, I eventually went no contact with my family, or very limited for several years from about 2015 until recently. It was good for me and good all around.
In the past year, *one* of my groups "friends" turned on me. They were serving as "surrogate family" and much older than me. Apparently they expected I would agree to an arranged/forced marriage or non consensual sex...? Their true colors came out after several years. When I refused after years of pressure to agree to a compelled marriage/relationship with this old man, they dropped me. Trash has taken itself out.
As that relationship collapsed in the past year, I have been communicating more with my mom, they are dysfunctional but at least I know what the situation is-at least I don't think my own family is going to traffic me or roofie me. This has been extensively discussed in therapy. Got to be blunt but that is where it's at. To some point I have reconciled with my family. Dad has calmed down in old age. Back in the day he drank all the time, was very violent. I've pretty much made up with my dad at this point and he's a big support of me now, so that's good. I don't have much time left with my parents. Our extended family appears to have washed their hands of us, probably too much crazy.
The sticking point now is my brother. Due to my parents' severe abuse, he has turned out to be a wildman, not playing with a full deck. I tried to persuade him to get help. We were both very **** up by our parents. I've dedicated my life to recovery. He's dedicated his life to self-destruct. He is nearly fifty years old now, has parked himself in my parents' home, has never moved out after university, and is fused at the hip with them. The problem? When I am invited over there, he is qute vicious toward me. He seems to hate women, and hate the parade of girlfriends that have come and gone from his life, and left him when he became abusive. I was over there for dinner on labor day, and he started in with his attacks, mocking my voice, and my East/Midwest accent as we are from there. Raising his voice, swaggering about the house. When we go out to dinner he attacks and shames me, saying that I cost them money by attending dinner with them and "running up the bill". When the spoiled food came at restaurant one night, (it was really spoiled and non edible) he insisted I eat it, not send it back as he said I was inconveniencing them and a complainer. When I got COVID he accused me of making it up. He has my mom thinking he is god and my parents bow down to him. Seems like a master gaslighter.
My graduation for my master's degree is coming up. I would really like my parents to be there when I walk the stage...but my mom will insist he attends. There is a pretty fair chance he has the potential to become violent or make a scene at convocation...as that's how he do...when I signed up for graduation, the university put out a disclaimer saying that poor behavior would not be tolerated and that people making a scene would be removed from the premises. I don't have a good gut feeling about it. My gut feelings have never been wrong.
I also don't know now how the holidays will look this year. I had Easter with them, which was alright, but it has been silence since Labor Day. Oddly, my mom has not been pushing for me to come to the house weekly. My parents may be waking up to the fact that this situation isn't working. I'm sad but it is what it is. I also don't understand WTF they let him live there when he acts that way. It blows my mind. I think he has them carefully manipulated, me painted as the "bad guy". He is the "good guy." My mom worships the ground he walks on...adores him...yet she's witnessed him knock me out in the kitchen right in front of her. She handed me the ensuing hospital bill, saying, "well you chose to go to the emergency room." Yeah, that's my mom. I refused to pay.
I just can't see them attending my graduation and it being a peaceful event. It seems everything my brother touches, or for that matter them, gets destroyed. It's not hyperole to say I'm probably dealing with a full blown narcissist, or more than one. Maybe I need to give up my illusions that having them there could be a positive thing.
I'm also not sure how this holiday season will go now that this election is complete-that is another story altogether. I doubt my brother and I are aligned there, he's not revealed his stances nor have I revealed mine. I just know that he has hated women long before any of the political upheaval that has brought some of these issues to light. I don't foresee a positive and peaceful holiday either and I'm not sure whether I may be spending it alone. That actually may not be a bad thing. I have had some very frightening and violent holidays. I am extremely worried about the developments over the next couple of months and I think creating some space may be the best thing. There is that story in CODA about walking down the block and falling into the hole, and then walking around the hole. Being alone may actually be the healthiest choice in some situations. The "chosen family" is no longer an option. They stopped inviting me to holidays when I refused to date and sleep with their friend. Wow the world is a great place. My therapist says to tread very lightly and avoid.
-
It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
-
If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
I'm going to suggest you just do lunch with your mom instead of going to their house and hoping it all goes well. Or going to their house and getting abusive language from this messed up brother.
For the holidays, pick your battles. I attend a zoom support group for estranged people, any kind of estrangement, any role in the family. And what people often do in the holidays is go on vacation, plan their own meal and invite all the alone people you might know. Neighbors, church friends, coworkers, friends. Tons of us are alone on holidays. Some go to movies, some help feed the homeless, some volunteer in a nursing home as a volunteer fun giver. I'm make a list here.
Others decide to go to the family event and stay one hour. Don't have any alcohol while there or before if alcohol is a problem in the family. We have to be clear headed. Drink later at home or with friends. Set your own internal boundaries which means based on your values and for what you will do. We absolutely cannot set boundaries on other people and expect them to follow them. So let's say your value is no one gets to berate you or hit you. You decide you will leave immediately. Then you go with this internal boundary set, based on your own values, and you simply do it. You can kiss mom goodbye with a whispered "love you mom, see you later" in her ear. You just get up and leave. Or, you can go in the morning and bring her something nice, flowers, a cake, a present. Stay an hour and then have an excuse why you can't stay all day or for the meal with the messed up brother. Make up an excuse if you have to.
Your politics are your politics and keep them to yourself. If asked who you voted for, say sweetly that is my secret or say no politics at the dinner table. We used to never talk about this crap and get all angry at each other. Find tolerance for how other people vote and don't even talk about it. That is an internal boundary I have about whomever I vote for.
I never knew who my parents voted for and they never asked me. I never asked them. It was just tolerance and politeness and respect about that. And my parents had their own issues so don't think it was perfect family.
Your mom is damaged somehow. She is enmeshed and tolerates the brother for some reason you don't know. She is never going to be a nice or good mom. Knowing this fact, figure out your own internal boundaries and what is the least you can do to maintain limited contact.
Karl Pillemer in the book Fault Lines calls it decide what the highest level of contact you can tolerate just so there is reconnection. Is one hour tolerable?
How can you mange some limited contact because you have a deep well of love for your parents even though they are very damaged individuals. What is your internal boundary is what is okay for you to tolerate. I give it as one hour because sometimes knowing we have a plan and limit allows us to relax and do what we need to do.
I have a BIL who has serious issues, he was the scapegoat all growing up and is an alcoholic as what runs in the family. He estranged from us over wanting to control things and we are not controllable. Now I know more, and I realize I had to set my own internal boundaries. One is he if we are around him, say a family funeral or wedding, he cannot ever drive us. Drinking starts early. Two is we tolerate only so much. We are polite and pleasant. We leave early. We are guarded and somewhat friendly but we don't actually share personal information.
Stop wanting the brother, the mother, the father to change. Look into Radical Acceptance and Self-Compassion.
Change how you see these people in that you want limited contact. What can you tolerate? Obviously dinners out to eat or at mom's house are a no go. So what can you tolerate? Would mom go to lunch with just you "girls lunch out"? If no, then consider just stopping by and bringing her flowers, a poinsettia, or a special donut and staying one hour. Brother gets obnoxious then you leave. No drama no yelling at him no trying to change him.
Next what will you plan NOW for the holidays. Sit down with pen to paper. What would you really like to do? List it all out. Forget about trying to manage or change your birth family members. Just focus on what you can do and stay sane. What about taking a little vacation on the holidays (tons of people do)? I have a whole list as I did attended a zoom meeting about the holidays with estrangement and family conflict last weekend and now I am blanking on many.
The most important thing is to set your internal boundaries and then follow them. If you expect them to change, you will be miserable.
Tons if alone people are at the movies on the holidays so plan in advance. Tons of alone people vacation on the holidays, we have done this ourselves with our own estrangement story that is much worse than just the BIL. I am the one estranged from but I've learned it is really two sides of the same coin. The sad and alone feelings are hard. Estrangement is what is called ambiguous loss, difficult, confusing and hard. One lady said she is cooking and inviting alone people and not her family members. Another woman said she is now volunteering at a nursing home and the residents give her love which her estranged daughter can't do. Someone else said do the Angel Tree thing, buying gifts for low income people who will appreciate it (but we remain anonymous). Someone else volunteers at a local homeless shelter serving the meal that holiday day. One woman said she met a new also estranged friend and they decided to get together on the holiday and cook something special together. Some people go for a long walk in a park and look at the birds and squirrels and just enjoy nature.
A lot of options. Just open your mind up and think about doing what is best for yourself. We often love difficult people but we can find joy and happiness even with these dysfunctional family members. Being alone can be good if one chooses it for a healthy reason. Being alone to self-isolate increases depression in many people. Anyway, sorry to go on and on. You will figure out what you need to do this year if you listen to your inner wise voice and make yourself a list. Good thing to think about this now.
Conversations by text can be safer, by phone if you feel safe doing that.
As far as holidays go, they aren't here yet so there is time to plan what you want to do.
Your Graduation, Congratulations!!! Is FOR YOU and your achievements the past 4 years of effort, not only at school, but working on yourself and your life. Personally I wouldn't invite them to give your brother another thing to throw at you if you only invite M/D. But that's a choice you need to make, perhaps you could have someone video you as you get your degree.,
Growing up in such a volatile family will carry scares, they effect you to get what you want and keep you from what you fear....sometimes you'll need to push past the fear in order to grow and get the results you want.
I don't mean going silent, just do what you feel good about. Best of luck to you!!