Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Edited to add: This is some hours later. I can't sleep. I'm so overwhelmed with emotions. Beyond saturated. I'm so angry, I am full of grief, I'm ready to blow, I'm scared beyond belief, I want him dead, I want to be dead myself, I'm so tired, I'M DONE, SO DONE, I'm afraid I'm not done enough, I have a ton of other emotions all racing through me that I don't understand... Yeah, I need to talk to a professional tomorrow. Either a crisis line or a therapist. Also contact friends that I still have that could give me some support. Just writing this out to help release some of the steam of emotions in me, so I can get some sleep. I feel some relief. Hopefully can sleep now.
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Thanks to everyone to comment on my last post about what would someone who respect herself say or do in the situation I found myself in over a locked door. They REALLY helped me out. I was seriously pacing and pacing and wringing my hands and having trouble breathing and going, "WHAT THE F*** DO I DO, WHAT THE F*** DO I DO!!!?" and those comments helped bring me down to Earth and gave me some clarity.
So a few hours later, I finally calmed down and realized that I need to be okay with the possibility of this relationship ending before I can say or do what a person who respect herself would say or do. My plan is now to spend the next few days, most likely weeks, really concentrating on mentally preparing myself for that. I might as well take the opportunity of the fact we won't talk to each other for a while to do this.
I can't believe I'm saying this: I hope he doesn't try to speak to me. Man, in the past, when I would do something that annoyed him and he would give me the silent treatment, I would longing for him to speak to me again. I'll just be there waiting and hoping. This time, I'm afraid he's going to speak to me and I'm going to go, "okay, cool" and we'll forget all this happened and we'll go back to our weirdass relationship where I never speak out. And he might, because in the past, when he got mad at me for moving his mug or some BS like that, I would grow small and get out of his way, but this time, I lost it and threw my hands up and yelled, "AUGH!" Which I've never done and he's never seen me express myself like that, and I think that might have thrown him off, because later he asked me if I was going to eat, and if he was in his regular angry mode, he would just leave my plate on the counter for me to eat and he would eat his without asking me or talking to me. I'm actually starting the not-talking thing this time around, but I need this time to mentally get myself in order so I know what to do next. If he talks to me, of course I'll respond and talk to him. I'm not him. But goddamn, am I hoping he's as mad as he usually is so he doesn't want to talk and I can take this opportunity to prepare mentally and get my brain straight.
People who left relationship of someone who meant a lot to them, how did you prepare mentally? I'm not saying it's going to end. Maybe when I finally confront him and talk to him a miracle will happen and he'll listen and care and we work through things, but realistically, there's about 10% of that happening, so I need to be okay with the idea of it ending or I'll never be able to speak up.
So should I start grieving now? Make a list of all things I'm going to lose and miss, and the all the things I was looking forward to next month, next year, etc. and cry about them until I accept not having them? Should I work on doing what can do hate his guts and wish him dead so I can have enough hate that leaving isn't as painful? Man... why does breaking up seem so easy for other people?
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
My immediate thought here is that if you are going right to the consideration of break up over something like this petty situation that it’s clear that this is an ongoing issue and he probably won’t change. Unless he actually does love you unconditionally (which is rare).
Either way, for your own sanity, it seems that you could just say that you feel that the door locking thing needs to go on the back burner for now and you don’t want to be upset about it. It’s NOT your fault or problem. Give it back to him to chew on if he must. Which is an obvious sign of what his character is if that’s the case.
TTYs
I'm actually shocked by my reaction yesterday. I did NOT expect all those emotions to hit the way they did. Mind you, I thought I left the door unlocked and did not expect him to struggle with it. It was a shock when he did, because I took the effing the thought and effort to unlock it, but nope, effing dog, and now he thinks I'm disrespecting him and making things difficult for him and I'm careless about his suffering or whatever BS is going on his messed up brain (yeah, I'm still PISSED.)
So I completely lost it, and maybe it's good I did. I just effing had it. It's years of me trying to show I care, some stupid dog, and nope, I'm going to come off as the bad guy again. I can't effing win. I lost it, yelled, "AUGH", stormed to my room, and cried my eyes out, paced like crazy, keep saying, "I need to do something, I need to do something, I need to do something!" because I didn't want to go back to holing myself silent in the room waiting for him to accept me again. I wanted to do something because I HAD IT with doing nothing, and the only action I can think of requires the 90% chance of a break up, because do you think he's going to take kindly to me telling him I feel upset? You think that's not going to annoy him and he won't punish me for that?
Hell no.
But yeah, I wasn't expecting to be this upset. He was supposed to walk through an unlock door and everything would be fine, so yeah, not expecting to lose control of my emotions the way I did. it was like I was carrying a bunch of stones (it's been YEARS of not winning in this relationship) and he threw one more on the pile and that caused everything to break.
I'm still upset as hell, which is a good thing because I'm afraid I'll capitulate and go back to being his punching bag if I stop being upset. But you are right about my sanity. This level of disregulation isn't healthy so I'll do something to take care of myself and feel better.
Looking forward to reading about your experience on leaving.
What calms you...hot shower, bubble bath, coffee and music, reading, walking outside? perhaps focus on what will fill up your emotional bank account. I'm glad for you that you do have friends who can support you....I don't know about you, but for me, the more I talk about something,,,in my youth I called it the 'broken record syndrome' I stayed stuck, angry and frustrated...that's why I'm writing about focusing on what you Want Now To Move Forward.
Please do keep writing so all here can support you ... I feel so pained for the traumas you have lived through and pray that you will find peace on the other side of this new journey you are beginning as a woman who respects herself and her life...You Are So Amazing and a Survivor, now it's time for you to thrive!
This is another way to help reduce my stress...I think can I change anything...if it's "me" the answer is Yes, if it's someone else the answer is a Big Fat NO!
When I quit drinking I had had enough. Didn't need any support, just done. I read about addiction to get some intel about what was the psychological problem I had to allow myself to get in a rut like the one I had been repeating every day. For me there have been 2 main things that I need to look closely at pretty much everyday to keep a healthy mindset. One is that my behavior is to avoid. The other is that I have struggled with low self image.
I am not involved in AA and only went to a handful of CODA meetings (mostly because Covid shut it down) but I'm a big fan of the one day at a time concept. It took me a while to grasp the less noticeable part of this. Yes, don't drink today or repeat codependent behaviors. But also that this one day, today, Is not the hot mess of a man I was 6 years ago. Sure, the stored memories can want to drag me into feeling like I am, but I have changed. Still the same person but my PERSPECTIVE is different. I see life as good and I'm thankful.
There's something you said in the last post about how my GF is lucky that I am patient and will go through 'hardships' for her. I think it's important to point out that I don't think like this. And maybe you need to look a little closer at this. I see doing things for others as just part of my day. There's not a score going on for me. I don't expect a 'return on some investment'. As a carpenter/gardener/volunteer EMT work is my life. I like to do things so what happens is that everything I do is effortless in a way. Because my perception is that all the chores of the day aren't a hardship but simply life.
Can you tell I'm a fan of Taoism:) The flow (Tao) makes life sweet when we stop resisting the fact that life is really simple. Our big brains gets in the way of contentment because there's a resistance to being this moment. Grateful for this exact moment WITHOUT the trap of thinking that some future moment will be better. That's the one day at a time wisdom. Love yourself today. Now. Get real.
So I was married for 30 years. We had a lot of downs and a few ups. Not a marriage I would say was equal or successful. The best part is that we never argued and became family, like a brother and sister. Now we're the closest of friends.
So as I keep mentioning, sober..... Thats when things became uncomfortably real. As much as I had been in a rut of going through the motions of life, she had too. TBH we were still in a state of ptsd from a long affair she had that really tore me up when I found out. Looking back I should have ended it there but we were codependent and it didn't seem possible to detach. 2 kids, and I don't think either of us thought we could handle parenting alone.
Anyway, when I hit that 'enough' point, I started getting some clarity on my behaviors. I spent a lot of time in the forest walking alone and slowly worked out a lot of things that were hazy. (kids were young adults at this point so it was just us at home) I began to learn about our codependent habits and we began talking about reality like never before. I honestly feel that I didn't know what mature meant until this shift. The lack of intimacy was glaring and shocking that we had avoided talking about it for so long. Something really sweet happened along with the newly exposed raw feelings of reality. We started to trust each other as friends. We decided to go to India on an extended meditation/spiritual retreat. I had an amazing experience because I had done so much work of myself already. However she had a near breakdown with seeing the health of the people we were traveling with and comparing herself was too painful. This is when we realized that we had drifted too far apart to keep the marriage together. When we got back to the U.S. we divided assets and she took a job far away. I drove her to the airport and we said goodby for what could have been forever. We both felt that intense fear of being alone but I was getting an underlying sense of excitement and relief.
For the next 6 months I lived like a monk. Dove into building a healthy lifestyle and began to feel good about myself for the first time in a long time. We stayed in touch, texting almost daily. She was lonely, and missed me. I found myself downplaying how happy I was for fear of hurting her feelings... Go CODA!!
Then, about 3 years ago she moved back to a town near me. We got together a few times a week for dinner and a walk. But I felt the need to keep some distance and I think this was surprising to her. Anyway I've overreached the maximum chatty level.
The thing I want to share is that, at first I thought I'd be heartbroken but when the split actually happened it wasn't nearly as bad as expected. What saved me is the intention I developed to take care of myself like never before. I live in a way that builds self esteem rather than breaks it down.
One thing I do think you should be aware of. When we decided to go our separate ways I was hit with this strong sense of sexual ownership of her and that this breakup signaled the end of that. I am continually looking at this behavior now that I have become aware of it. Shockingly immature and I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I think you should be warned that this comes up in some men. (all?) It was such a powerful emotion that I believe if I hadn't spent considerable time working on building my emotional health that real jealousy would have set in. Weird behavior stuff. Be safe and keep a close eye on him.
Hope this unedited rough draft is somewhat coherent and helpful:)
I basically agree with what others have responded with. So I will just give you a short "practical" post today. What I did when I was ready to leave a very bad relationship was --- I got pen to paper and made a secret list. I did not talk to the guy about this at all. I made a list of things I needed to do. Like get a new bank account, wrote out a budget, get a divorce lawyer, etc. I felt more in control having a list because all these things were not flooding my brain.
Like my brain was going into "remember to do this, do that, what about X or Y" and I was able to consult my secret list and check off the things accomplished. I focused on things I accomplished. I took my time ahead of time and I did more things for myself. Such as focusing on my own inner emotional demons or issues. I cried every Saturday night in bed when he was in the bars with other women.
Like FinallyAwakeNow wrote, my ex thought I was his possession and especially his sexual possession. I tried to pretend everything was fine but this aspect with my gross ex-husband started to destroy my soul. Every argument you have with this guy over basically minor stuff eats at your mind and soul. You can not heal until you are away from all this conflict so you can work on you instead of being focused on trying to make him change. You can't make him change. At some point, you have to matter enough to yourself and have enough emotional stability within yourself, that you want peace of mind and a peaceful life. Hugs to you.
I have a suggestion for you because it has helped me so much. CODA.ORG has phone meetings. They are so insightful and informative. Go to coda.org and then phone meetings. Pick a day that works for you and then click on it. There is an access code which is provided when you are just about to call. It's easy. I hope this helps.
Sometimes they are talking about something that doesn't resonate with you but when people are sharing they say something that really makes lots of sense. I enjoy the meetings and I hope you will as well.