Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello,
I havent been diagnosed yet but have a scheduled appt with
a therapist next week. Co dependency feels right. I think ive
got a mild case but today it feels as though im bursting with it.
I have exibited alot of the signs over the years. Ive been reflecting
back on my past over the last few months and realize that I have
made alot of my relationships more difficult because of these
impulses , fixations or obsessions.
I am currently married to an alcoholic that had been "dry" till
last tuesday. Shes not a heavy drinker and the last time it was three years since the last incident. To compound the issue we have been
seperated since beginning of may she is with her father getting
him thru his Colon cancer surgery ( went well hes cancer free
now and home recovering) she will be coming home in a week
or so but im so lonely and confused and obsessing over every
contact because she has been struggling with drinking over
the last few months and pulling away becoming more distant.
Ofcourse Ive been making this all about me and "Im so hurt"
She will text me when I text her and will talk to me
when i call but rarely ever calls me on her own. Shes struggling
with her addiction right now too and saying she wants to get
sober.
Im so lonely and over analyzing every conversation and text.
I try and focus on the positives , and God has worked in
our lives with this last flair up.but i feel so lost, Im second
guessing everything and battling every day.
Im a mess and all over the place when it comes to me and her.
Functioning fine as it relates to work and socializing with people
but I dont want to put any presser on her while also trying to not do anything to jeopardize out marriage.
I have no doubt this woman loves and cares for me, but just
hearing it and seeing it in writing is only helping temporarily.
My brain wont stop telling me the other shoe is gonna drop.
Its made me into a person I dont like.
Right now Im manic because I was talking to her an hour ago
on the phone about how its been going with me and some of
the stuff Ive been doing to try and help myself. She had to get off
phone to help her dad now im obsesivly watching the phone and
eating my heart out that she hasnt called me back yet..
Im so confused and lost at the moment...I really need help.
I havent been diagnosed yet but have a scheduled appt with
a therapist next week. Co dependency feels right. I think ive
got a mild case but today it feels as though im bursting with it.
I have exibited alot of the signs over the years. Ive been reflecting
back on my past over the last few months and realize that I have
made alot of my relationships more difficult because of these
impulses , fixations or obsessions.
I am currently married to an alcoholic that had been "dry" till
last tuesday. Shes not a heavy drinker and the last time it was three years since the last incident. To compound the issue we have been
seperated since beginning of may she is with her father getting
him thru his Colon cancer surgery ( went well hes cancer free
now and home recovering) she will be coming home in a week
or so but im so lonely and confused and obsessing over every
contact because she has been struggling with drinking over
the last few months and pulling away becoming more distant.
Ofcourse Ive been making this all about me and "Im so hurt"
She will text me when I text her and will talk to me
when i call but rarely ever calls me on her own. Shes struggling
with her addiction right now too and saying she wants to get
sober.
Im so lonely and over analyzing every conversation and text.
I try and focus on the positives , and God has worked in
our lives with this last flair up.but i feel so lost, Im second
guessing everything and battling every day.
Im a mess and all over the place when it comes to me and her.
Functioning fine as it relates to work and socializing with people
but I dont want to put any presser on her while also trying to not do anything to jeopardize out marriage.
I have no doubt this woman loves and cares for me, but just
hearing it and seeing it in writing is only helping temporarily.
My brain wont stop telling me the other shoe is gonna drop.
Its made me into a person I dont like.
Right now Im manic because I was talking to her an hour ago
on the phone about how its been going with me and some of
the stuff Ive been doing to try and help myself. She had to get off
phone to help her dad now im obsesivly watching the phone and
eating my heart out that she hasnt called me back yet..
Im so confused and lost at the moment...I really need help.
I'm so very sorry your having all these emotions, I'm sure it's tough for you, as it is for your wife, to be going through that situation with her father.
From your post, it seems like you've only recently realized your codep, is that correct? I would suggest you read "Codependent No more" by Melody Beattie, I think everyone in this group has read it, haha and it's a good thing too. You can benefit from it so much!
It's important for you to be ok with being alone, find hobbies, and LEARN about codependency. Knowledge about it will be your best friend. Remember that you cannot control others, in this case you cannot control your wife if she chooses to drink. You care about her and want her to be healthy, the best thing you can do is be supportive while she tries to maintain her sobriety, but remember you cant MAKE her.
Definitely try your best no to pressure her, I know how hard it can be to let go of "control," and it can make cause anxiety or like you said, a state of feeling "manic," but please remember what SHE is going through. She is dealing with caring for her father right now which can be extremely stressful,on top of that, she is battling addiction. Think of the addiction you have to your wife, she is feeling those exact same feelings about alcohol. It's not easy.
The best advice I can give you, like I stated before, is to become aware and gain knowledge about codependency, that is the only way to learn coping skills and learn how to detach from your wife, in a healthy way. I wish you the best of luck and please, if this is all fresh to you, keep posting! Everyone here offers great advice!
last post. I have been attanding al anon meetings as well as
keeping a journel, praying profusely and seeking counsil of others.
Today was a struggle day for me. Im determined to beat this and
have a happy life and in turn a happy marriage by not putting
my issue on every one else. as you can see im rational now and
coping... thanks for helping talk me down.
You are clearly working really hard to improve your life, good luck!
"My brain wont stop telling me the other shoe is gonna drop.
Its made me into a person I dont like. "
I think it sounds like your wife was relying upon you to be sober and since living with her dad, she fell off the wagon...
I'd be questioning why you continue to stay in a situation where you don't like who it's turning you into...
My other shoes gonna drop issues are from my past.
I cant change it and I work hard at trying not to associate events
or compare. Nothing good ever comes from it.
I know this is gonna sound like im defending her but honestly im
not. she is not a drink every night or dissapear for a week type. Rather the i feel the need and if i give in im gonna get drunk tonight and hate myself tomorrow. Its not about using me
because honestly she isnt. I will take the tough stance on
this when it comes down to it. Now I have been supportive
by recognizing the signals that shes struggling with it and
diverting her attention and focus away from it so she can move on.
Its all ive been able to do to help as she has opnly recently decided shes had enough and wants to be truly sober and
not dry ( periods of years between drinking) SHe has her father
to help as well as hes been in recovry for 17 years. recently its
been hard because shes been with him getting him thru the cancer surgery and left on her own ( about 160 miles away)
to deal with the issue.
Now my part of the problem that i am struggling with daily is that
we have been seperated because of this medical crisis since
may 8th and previously we had not really spent more than a week apart for anything. I miss her and my kids like hell when im gone
motorcycling for a week or so here and there and when shes
gone for any reason to. Ive been working on this because my first reaction has to go over board with phone calls and text that make
her feel "smotherd" and cause her to draw more distant.
Thats my current hell. Im fully functional in work or socializing but
if theres any emotional , anger or real distance between my
wife and myself my " white night syndrome" kicks in and ill
try and fix the issue and resue.
In reality i know its manufactured fear on my part as i have
talked to her at length about this and she has reassured me
there is no way shes leaving or loves me any different.
this is my issue and im working it to make myself happier
and healthier... i hope that explains why I dont see this
as taking advantage type situation....
Do you think you have "abandonment" issues vs. co-dependency issues? To me it doesn't sound like your happiness depends on her happiness...it sounds like you are in complete "panic mode" without her around.
Any abandonment that was painful in the past that you can identify with this situation?
I have abandonment issues (just figured it out). My parents kicked me out at 17....so when I jumped into an "abusive" relationship I wouldn't let go because of the fear of abandonment.
I don't think your wife is abusive...I'm an alcoholic myself and I'm not abusive..just lost and overwhelmed sometimes to the point that alcohol is an escape. I don't think she is trying to escape you...but possibly trying to escape the reality of her Dads condition. :(
I believ you have hit the nail on the head. My wife is terrified
of losing her dad and shes been forced to face that over the
past year. She says things like youll have to have me committed
if ( not when) that happens. i know thats part of it.
Your probably right on the abandonment too. I have my first appt with therapist on thursday this week to try and figure out whats going on with me and where to go, i believe that i have a fair mix of both.
to answer your question yes I have past relationships that bring out that fear in me. This is my third marriage. First one I was only
21 and after a year she wanted to call it quits and move back with mom and dad "cause having to work is to hard" we tried to make it work for three more years but in the end split on good terms. The second was good for about two years and then she went off meds for bipolar and depression add in a miscarriage and it was really
tough. I tried so hard in that one that I devoted 7 years to it and 24 months of marriage counseling.. in the end she says she is broken and doesnt know how or want to fix herself and its not fair to me any more so she want a divorce. Then I met April I told
her up front i had baggage she didnt care she had hers to and i didnt care. I was cautious aat first but she is everything ive ever wanted and still to this day makes my heart flutter when i see her
after 8 years of marriage. We have been thru some tough times but always side by side ( this time wer not though and that may be the key) I truly love this woman andwe bring out the best in each other. Our family unit is great too. I know his is temporary and should be over in a few weeks but it has brought to light these issues that i have never dealt with before.. ive only begun to understand them in the last few months. im determined to work on this to improve my own health and thus be a better contributer to our family dynamic...
thanks for the insight...... feeling better.
Good that you have therapy Thursday....that always makes me feel better too.
You seem to have the components to have a good marriage...the good family unit and working thru problems together...sounds like you just need a little help.
Try to be strong for her and for yourself.....and realize this is the last time she will probably see her Dad and hopefully the 2 of you will have a long life together.
I'm an alcoholic...and if I were close to my Dad and he were dying I would have a hard time coping with that (and would probably) drink...but also if I was feeling pressure or sadness from my partner that I was "missing"...I think that would put a lot more pressure on me.
They say in a program I attended....FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.
Next time you talk to her...try to FAKE that you are OK with this situation...don't talk a lot about missing her...or feeling like you have let her down....just ask about her Dad....how her day was...is she getting enough rest....don't even ask about drinking...its a mute point right now....Then when you hang up....you can hug your pillow, cry and pray for strength until she gets home....OH and type here :)
Hugs.
ashamed as i have always been the one to take on all
issues. broad shoulders and all that.
This year has been rough. Im using the time away to
aclimate myself a little to being on my own more. Since
the kids other parents are both in this area they spend part of thier time there so I find myself alone alot. Thats when the problems start , over analyzing whats said on phone or text and generally irritating the crap out of myself ..
I have managed to curb the needy clingy behaviour i have developed with her this year.. This isnt the first time shes
had to go down there and be gone a week or more at a time.
Prior to this we haven been apart unless i was on a motorcycle trip for a week, even then i kept in touch once a day.
im getting better but some days are really hard and that ol demon
in my head messes with me pretty bad. im really not sure exactly
whats going on with me. Depression anxiety, co dependency
abandonment....or what
Therepist visit is tomorrow though and im hoping ill find some
direction and information there.
ive been getting great support from my family and my wifes family as well. Had a great visit over the weekend I was at ease and loose and we had a great time. without me bieng so on edge against the bad thoughts or taking little things as p[ercieved slights being able to recognize what my mind was doing and taking myself out of situation for a second before i reacted really helped.
we were great together again and affectionate and at ease. talked alot about my research and she is bieng very supportive. we talked alot about her alcoholism as well and shes made preperations for meetings and talking about therapy and things for herself as well.
The best news of all is that my father in law is doing awsome and is ready to take his own affairs back over so shes coming home after the last DR visit he has next week. We agree thats the thing
thats been stirring me up the most - although i realize that now that ive discovered this i will continue with therapy and get a grasp on this so that it doesnt mess with our lives more than it has . I dont want to be an example to my children of this behaviour and dont want them following suit.
Its good that you have realized you have a problem...which I thought was abandonment...but whatever it is..your with a professional....and you are going to continue so things will only get better.
Glad you felt loved and supported by her family as well...things sound good.....:)
fears and combat them with real world fact.
Have had a very frank discussion with Wife about this and her
alcoholism as well. we are in a good place at the moment as
far as supporting each others journey toward being in recovery.
Her dads health is very good and shes coming home on
Friday. It will have been almost 90 days since she went down
there and i have visited about 6 times but largley that seperation
has been the big triggering event for me. That will be resolved
in a couple of days.
I am continueing with everything that has helped me to this point
incuding the therapy. Wish me luck. My determination is
very high right now.
thanks for all the support and help. see you again soon.
What a great line ' Think of the addiction you have to your wife, she is feeling those exact same feelings about alcohol. It's not easy. ' So smart, because that is exactly it!!
I see that dhawk you have made some huge strides, so no advice here just words of encouragement to keep up the good work and staying in this awareness and not turning away from the challenge is going to be the best gift you give yourself! And yes, everything you have put out here, is pretty much a great summary of co-dependent behavior and I TOTALLY identify with what you are talking about :)
Congrats on your new awareness and as well tackling it with therapy and self care!
Enjoy the journey!
XXOO