This is actually a very common thing in todays society. You are not alone. It can feel very sad and alone when we look at the family we thought we were creating and what is our reality. Many of us baby boomer age parents are experiencing this. There is also a growing phenomenon of deliberate estrangement where the adult child goes no contact with their parent. I was talking to a friend yesterday who was complaining that her son was too busy to see her, and I suggested she make her own happy life instead of waiting on him and then being upset with him all the time. I suspect many of us, myself included, had this vision of our older years and having our adult children being our best friends and the happy life of our role as wonderful mother, father, grandmother, grandfather. It is painful to realize that what we want is not realistic and our kids don't join in this vision. Our adult children often do not want to be our best friends. Sometimes our adult children need to be independent to learn to be an adult. Mine have also chosen to do their own thing. My thinking is all we can do is work on us now and choose to be happy even though this is not how we dreamed or thought things would turn out. We can get busy making new friends and having a social life or hobbies so that we are not so alone and lonely. This is the journey I am currently embarking on. It is really about taking charge of our own happiness right now. Best wishes to you.

Learning how to respect my son, his choices, and how he lives his life has changed our relationship. I was an emotional hostage to his actions and behaviors prior to attending Alanon. I no longer criticize him, I see him as a human, doing the best he can. I focus on What Is Right and keep my mouth shut on what 'I think is wrong".

"My son was my life", I had no outside interests that filled me up as he did as I raised him as a single parent. I've done the best I can to make amends, asked him to forgive me, "listened to him with no excuses' and offered to go to therapy with him to talk about the good the bad and the ugly. This is all I can do, peace is coming slowly to my mind and heart, not easy, I'm baby stepping as I let go of the need to control my son, and to find activities outside of my home to reduce my isolation, as I'm retired and take responsibility for myself, and find activities to fill me up....my mind is No Longer Filled and Totally Focused on my son..

Alanon is my number one support system, my therapist, and the following books were also Huge in better understanding myself, my actions and how I wanted to change myself, first, and then try to build a healthier relationship with my son. Do I like his actions, the way he is living his life, no.....what I've learned in Alanon is that "his actions and the way he is living his life" are his ''''responsibility'''' Not Mine.

I no longer am a door mat, no longer offer to do, to advise, to tell him what """I think""". Last night we were together for the first time since late late August. It's been a very painful time for me as he has severe health issues. Yet, I've not called him, I've let him call me when "he wants to talk to me"....I've also read three books that have changed my perspective and help to heal my heart. If you choose to read them, I do So Hope they will bring the same relief to you as a Mother just doing the best she could.

I don't know how you feel, I do know how much pain I was in having as I walked in similar shoes. I Sincerely hope you will find your way with your two sons, and let yourself off the emotional hostage ride as I have...my best to you, ml.

https://www.amazon.com/When-Parents-Hurt-Compassionate-Strategies/dp/0061148431

https://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Peace-Resolving-Heart-Conflict/dp/1626564310/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0/140-4045975-2544101?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1626564310&pd_rd_r=6a657057-feeb-4067-9978-48d8be7e81e6&pd_rd_w=1aoeC&pd_rd_wg=ha9rO&pf_rd_p=5cfcfe89-300f-47d2-b1ad-a4e27203a02a&pf_rd_r=KYC9VRW77PN4481K81ZK&psc=1&refRID=KYC9VRW77PN4481K81ZK

https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Eggshells-Navigating-Delicate-Relationship/dp/0767920856/ref=sr_1_2?crid=169NZITTGNVZD&keywords=walking+on+eggshells+adult+children&qid=1572187390&s=books&sprefix=walking+on+egg%2Cstripbooks%2C173&sr=1-2

I don’t know if a child’s POV will help but my mom was codependent and made everything about her children. It doesn’t help that I’m from a culture where children are expected to revolve their world around their parents’ desire. My mom constantly bemoans about how her friends’ kids bought big houses so their parents could move in with them and they take their parents everywhere and spend all their time with their parents, and most of her kids and grandkids move out of the city. Even though I took a year off my job to move close to her and got myself into my current apartment situation to help my aging parents out.

I’m not making that mistake again. It turns out my mom didn’t need my help as much as she wanted to control my life so she could live her fantasy of having her children treat her like a princess like apparently all her friends’ kids do. Our relationship is probably at the worst it has been and I have a lot of resentment towards her.

Now I don’t think you’re like that, but I do want to let you know that even though i’m full of resentment, my mom still matters to me, and I’m sure you still matter to your boys.

They probably need space to do their things, reach their own dreams, make their own lives, but they still will be stoked if that parent listened to them or cheered them on for living the life they want. I would love it if my mom was happy that I achieved my dream instead of wishing I could fit into whatever fantasy she had for me. I do want my mom in my life, and I want to spend time with her, but not out of guilt or to meet her approval. I want her to be proud of what I want and I achieve. I think every child does, no matter how old they are.

Anyways, the other two replies here are bang on that you should concentrate on making yourself and living a fulfilling life outside your kids. I hope my parents can manage that because it will better help interact with their kids in a way where it isn’t our job to fill a hole in their lives but rather we come together as two parties who are happy with their lives sharing time together.

Thank you for this good perspective, ChronicHeadache.
Islandgirl1952, mentioned some good resources. I like to also offer these two books:
Done with the Crying (it has a different perspective than When Parents Hurt and each has its own value)
and The New Codependency.
It really starts with us and our healing and growing emotionally.

I know how you feel. I have a 24-year-old son that lives in another state and I haven’t seen him in like two years. My 18-year-old son is still at home, but he treats me like garbage and we barely even talk. I feel so lonely and sad and find myself holding on for dear life to my boyfriend and hoping to be a part of his family. He still has kids at home. It's a sad situation on a pathetic level. My sister lives down the street from me, but we aren’t close, and I don’t have any friends. My poor boyfriend. I’m most likely suffocating him. My dad is not in my life and my mom and I aren’t close either. I feel like I have no one.

I have been reading a 'codependency' book & high lighting the parts that refer to me - it helps. I also had my best friend come over & starting to clean out my son's room to donate his clothes - I'm such a sensitive fool. Cried the whole time.I hope to read "done with the crying' once I finish book I'm reading.