I have had unwanted crushes on people at work too. I don't think it is codependent. You have not acted on it. You can't help whom you are attracted to. Now if he was abusive and you were drawn to him, that would be codependent.

My understanding is that we are never codependent on a person.

The codependency is only inside of our self.

Some other person might have given us the codependency, but then we got it and not the person.

Link http://independentfew.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/codependency-definition/

I wouldn't say codependent, but I know what you are saying. I was recently in a situation where I was really attracted to someone where with our current situations and distance (mainly due to Cali traffic) just made it impossible to have a relationship. I tried to come up with some scenario that would make it work, racked my brain. In the end she essentially gave up on it and barely even talks to me anymore. The crush for her barely started going away about a month ago , and even so when I get a text or something from her I still feel some excitement, just can't help it, it doesn't last long though especially since she usually winds up leaving me hanging in the middle of texting. That usually snaps me out of it. Anyway point being I think it's natural to ignore rational thinking when we like someone, at least for some people. Good thing is you do see why it won't work, now you just need to listen to yourself that's the hard part. The feelings will remain probably until you find a new interest or enough time passes. Just my take.

CoDa, I'm curious why you say it's inappropriate. He is not your direct boss, correct? Is he married? If the answer to both of those is no, then why is it inappropriate? It's inconvenient, for sure, but I don't think it's inappropriate to be attracted to someone at work who is not your direct boss. Aren't you finished working with him for a while? Is there any possible way to see him outside work?

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the feedback, all of it is great.

@11Christmas, I guess I consider it inappropriate due to the adage "Don't dip your pen in the company ink". No he isn't married and no I don't technically "report to him" only when I am working on a project with him, which with the way things are working wont' be any time soon. There are ways for me to see him outside of work.......always. But *sigh* I am just fraidy cat of making moves in that way....so I just don't see myself really asking him "hey let's go to dinner"...plus I am really old fashion in that way, and my mom has drilled it in my head to wait for the man to make a move.

@Booky, that was a long article but I look forward to reading it-thanks for that! I am really pausing on your comment, it has brought alot of questions up for me now. So personally, I thought that we are in fact co-dependent on another person (which is how we lose ourselves and get too invested in other people's issues and lose our boundaries. Our minds make it up that our lives begin and end with them) have I been getting this wrong all along? And another person giving us our co-decency feels backwards to me as well....I think of it as by virtue of our tendencies, upbringing, traumas, etc. we have created a co-dependent person in ourselves which then is brought to the surface when we enter into relationships that are with addicts, abusive, etc. So it starts and ends with us, but we distort it to believe it is "the other person"....and by virtue of the relationship it is where the tendency comes out, no?

@jackofalltrade...are you saying you pursued the relationship and actually discussed it with the other person? I haven't had that level of involvement, it is basically all internalizing which has been horrible to deal with. I mean I am guessing somewhere along the line I probably made it obvious...I pray to god I didn't....but I feel like sometimes the chemistry was so strong it was hard to avoid....(well and it didn't help some of the conversations we had, or that he would wink at me!! UGGH I am going out of my mind thinking about that.....makes me miss him....so grossed out with myself-I feel like a teenager again).

Anyway, thanks for this feedback, I am waiting on my pal Deli's 2 cents too, she tends to throw in a great curve ball for me to think about HAHAHA!! Where are you girl??

But I do have a lot to consider and think about with these posts.....see how I am distracted at work about it.....THAT is definitely not good.

I don't want to add to your level of distraction, but this must have crossed your mind: Did he send the email because he misses you?

I agree that men probably like to do the pursuing. I am having the same problem, how do I show I'm interested without seeming like I'm chasing? Such a game.

I like someone at work too. I have liked him for four years. At the time I first noticed him, I was married and having LOTS of problems. It was the most abusive time in my marriage. He was single then but is married now. I got the vibe that he liked me too, at the time. No feelings were ever discussed, just work. Oh well, too late now. We work in the same building and I hear him walking past my cube several times a day and I always make sure to look busy (he has a loud, distinctive walk and I know it's him). Just saying, you might always have a hard time working with this person, whether you allow yourself to have a relationship outside work or not.

This TOTALLY reminds me of a conversation I was having with a friend of mine very recently.

Having a crush on someone (coworker, friend, random stranger, or whatever) from time-to-time seems normal and human for everyone, not just for codependent people. Three hypotheses, however:

1) Codependent people may be more in danger of feeling something like "if only I were in a relationship with [insert name of crush here]. My life would feel so much more complete and I would be so much happier! That could be troublesome thinking because it would be placing one's own happiness in the hands of another.

2) Codependent people may be more likely to identify others as "soulmates" because they look past their sense of self as they get into the cycle of altering or subjugating (some times very subtly), their own needs and wishes to make it easier to fulfill the other person's needs and wishes. "Wow! We are so compatible" could sometimes be "wow! I am very good at hiding what I really want from myself so that I increase the probability of getting the boost that I need from the person right in front of me."

3) Codependent people have more fear of and regret for "missed opportunities" (at least this one does). When something like this happens, it provides a great opportunity for one to kick ones self for not saying something or doing something when one had the chance, thus laying an excellent foundation for self-doubt and questioning in the future.

I don't know that any of these apply to you, but your post reminded me of them.

As far as getting over the feelings, the only thing that seems to work for me is distraction. If you want to be through with him, find something or someone else to be excited about.

Good luck!

Coda- didn't you post sometime before about this guy? Doesn't the situation cause you pain? Can you find the OP and bump it up?

I think this is God's sense of humor... "You think you're over him??? WHAM!"

I think it's the rush you are addicted to.

I think Holborn98 is on to something. I was trying to say something along those lines but, didn't articulate myself very well.

To answer your question we had been talking for a while internet texts phone. then we finally got the opportunity to get together. it was fun but very hard to accomplish and she decided she couldn't continue moving in that direction. It was to soon for the both of us anyway. I had already opened myself up at that point and liked her a lot. Maybe its not the same situation as you but I could relate to the way you were rationalizing it to try and make it work. I would say an hour to two to go see her isn't that bad, or her taking over an hour to come see me isn't too bad. there were other factors involved as well. it was really complicated and just couldn't work but I wanted it to so bad. and the feelings took a little while to fade, but they are slowly. she was not a coworker though. I am careful about work relationships as well, I have heard that same adage you mentioned too, here at my work no less.

@Holborn98-I think I can see all of those traits, they do feel semi far removed from myself today, I know that I have those tendencies from my past relationships....I have been single for a couple years now after my last crappy relationship so this is actually the first crush I have had since I have been doing my work on myself.....it has literally taken years for me to even be 'attracted' or 'interested' in a man.....it is strange I sort of died in that way for awhile, so that could also be why it feels so intense.

@ Deli- Does it cause me pain? Only in the "we can't be together right now' kind of way (East vs. West Coast, not currently on same project, working together kind of way)....but not in the 'he is abusive' kind of way......

it hurts to have feelings or a crush in general for me....because it brings up my own self esteem issues......so I am in constant "self doubt" kind of way...so yes that causes me pain....but it is more about it not being acted on hurts, or the sitting in wonder if it is just me.

I was talking to a friend about what is considered a "healthy way" to have a crush.....like what does that actually look like? Doesn't everyone kind of get exhilarated by the crush?.....I am still relatively new to my co-dependency and am new to having a crush since I have discovered that about myself so I am now trying to figure out what is considered "right" to feel and what is "wrong" to feel in terms of being in a healthy way about it...........

*sigh* just really tired of feeling like I am having to fix myself all the damn time....will there be a point where I can just "BE" and not have to feel like I need to examine my feelings to determine if they are healthy.......the self examination has become somewhat exhausting this year....like F it already, I would rather just be broken and deal with fall out at this rate......HAHAHAHAh JUST kidding, I so do not want to go backwards but this is so much work all the time.....well onward and upward....

@ jaimeisme I am liking the rubber band idea!!

I think we are all addicted to that rush. It's part of the reward system in the brain, to keep the human race alive.

I liked Holborn's response also. If you're really so obsessed and thinking this is the only guy for you, and your happiness depends on it, maybe you should get out and mingle more and see who's available closer to home.

I still don't think there's anything terrible about having a relationship with him, if you both feel the same. He is at a different office and you don't interact all that often. It would be difficult, however. That's when you have to worry about being codependent...like is it always you flying out to see him, is his job always taking priority over yours, etc.

Welcome to our world...

I think the answer to the magical question, "When does it become unhealthy" is when it starts to affect other areas of your life.

Like, if you "just" obsess about him constantly, but can still do your job, pay your bills, have other relationships and get jot out of the rest of the things that usually give you pleasure, then so what???

But if your emotions get away from you to the point where you are getting yourself sick, lying in bed instead of going to the gym, isolating yourself, then you need to reel it in.

I think you (and I) shouldn't beat ourselves up for worrying if we are well adjusted or not... I mean, how many people are totally oblivious to their dysfunction???

Wasn't it Salvador Dali who said, "The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad"?

Let me guess... he's your favorite artist, too!

@Deli.....I feel MUCH better now. Ok then I actually feel like I am having a healthy crush....yes my mind is like a hamster in a wheel and I get excited when I hear from him. But I actually got all the sh*t I wanted done and life carried on YAY me! Well my favorite artist is Maxfield Parish...so we finally have a difference! Was gonna get worried there.

@11Christmas....it is way too complicated to have a relationship, which is why I never really gave it much more energy then what was in my mind. Living on opposite coasts does not lend itself to a successful relationship in my mind, and further working together and it didn't pan out also seemed like 2 major strikes that just weren't worth the headache/heartache later....it seemed like yes we would have completely fallen for each other...and BAM! Reality would have set in and then what.......I am not moving there and he would move here or something lame.....uggh sounds like a Lifetime movie already.....

Well then there is the whole....the man makes the move first issue......so unless he proclaimed undying love or something then I feel like I just need to reel it in, have my crush in private and carry on......

Sure hope I feel like this about someone over here on the West Coast soon.....

Did you respond to the email at all to thank him?

I think there's a chance that he was wanting to contact you, so he made up a lame excuse to send you an email and see if you'd respond. I think emailing now about something in Jan/Feb is a made-up excuse, unless something new just recently happened with that project.

Anyway, that's my take and if you've been reading my journals, I'm no expert by any means. Be careful in how you respond, if you do respond. Good luck!

Well, I DID work right around the corner from where he went to art school... : )

A bi-coastal crush. Sounds like a good title for a book/film. Also sounds like a perfect scenario for a romance- one wild romantic weekend every month or so with plenty of "me" time in between...