I'm usually a pretty open person, so expressing feelings has never really been an issue for me. It's not really about understanding the other person. It's about validating our right to have those feelings. You can express to me that you're angry at something I did. My choice in that instance would be to validate your feelings by telling you that you have the right to be angry. Then it would be my turn to state my feelings about what I did. If I didn't mean for anyone to get angry, this would be my time to explain that.

Expressing feelings rather than thoughts aren't about understanding. It's about validation.

All I can tell you is that expressing feelings usually starts with "I FEEL" and goes with hurt, pain, joy, shame, heartbreak, etc. and is a description of your inner feelings.

What we think many times can be telling someone they are a jerk, cheat or a liar.

I think that in expressing feelings, you are sharing how you feel inside, and sharing your inner self and inner pain or inner joy--we often forget that in expressing feeling we can express inner joy too.. Actually, I think it takes someone you trust to do this with because you are revealing your inner most feelings. Then what "we think" can be more accusatory such as telling someone they are a liar.

I don't know if that helps you any, but that is how I have looked at it over the years. It didn't work with my second husband and he couldn't have cared less about how I felt.

hi Daystar
I'm wondering if therapists tell patients (especially codependents) to express feelings as opposed to thoughts because so many codeps don't express what they are feeling. As all us codeps know we tend to deny, minimize or rationalize our thoughts and and our feelings so this is one way to also get in touch more with our feelings. At least I have had to do this (expressing) my feelings, as I'm really good at minimizing, denying and sometimes don't know what I feel. Expressing my feelings is one way to get more in touch with them.

My opinion is that it is better to get OUT what we are feeling instead of letting it "fester" inside us. That causes Dis-Ease. And if the other person can't handle it, then that's "their" problem, not ours because we are being honest. Truth hurts and most people cannot handle truths

Thanks for the replies

Feelings are feelings...i own the feeling .... i feel what i feel and when i express a conflict with a friend as i felt hurt frustration anger confusion with what has happened i am expressing a thought and not feeling..what am i doing here... getting validation or having other person know how the incident made me feel (i heard no body can make u feel) so why need to express the thoughts abt my feelings to friend with whom the conflict has happened? Is this to understand different perspectives ..meaning to enter each others world to understand each other ... develop intimacy? I agree with ATGB we cant communicate with other whose not willing to hear.

My challenge today is its easy to communicate with people who are in recovery.. they understand what expression of feelings means ... sometimes i just want to be heard... its easy to say hey can you focus on yourself while expressing your feelings instead of me ... its tough to talk to someone who is not ina recovery andto consistently pointing you in the conversation and here i am listening to it detaching from it and trying to understand where shes coming from has definitely taken the toll. In reality i have found more people like this where in expression of feelings means pointing others inventory ...projecting themselves and claim to say you are all wrong.. sitting in conversations like this sure helped me see the growth in me and make clear conscious choices ...

When its time to walk away i walk away in peace...

Oh, therapists love to get us to open up about feelings. And then, once we do -- some suggest we medicate them away! It's a conundrum, for sure.

Is the therapist asking you to express feelings In Session? Because that is different than expressing feelings out in the world. If it's In Session, that's to help identify what you're actually feeling. If it's out in the world, that's to help draw a boundary or to give someone a clue as to how to proceed.

In my CoDA group, one of the signs of Codependency is the difficulty Identifying what we feel. Although I am pretty skilled at Feeling, sometimes even I struggle to pinpoint what is it that I am actually Feeling. In turn, if I'm just going about expressing, Expressing, and Emoting -- that could easily turn into an automated Acting Out process!

For me, the trick is to Identify what I'm feeling, acknowledge it, and then set the boundary. Sometimes I have to step back from Reactivity (that Automatic Impulse to Blurt the First Emotion that I Feel) -- and Breathe...

Then take a few minutes to Assess the situation (aka. Thinking) and try to see how best to approach it.

I call this: Detaching and Responding.

I am always Entitled to how I feel (Thanks "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner), but I do just go around Stomping on other people's toes and flailing my arms? Where does that get me? Does that Alienate them? How would I feel if they did that To me?

Often, if I'm upset, I will premise my need with: "I'm upset about something and I need to talk about it." --Or-- "I need to vent -- do you have a minute?" This way I'm not just crashing on through, slashing & burning, but acknowledging my respect for someone's time and well-being -- as bending someone's ear can be very draining for the listener if not forewarned. Done too often and we can lose our audience.

I think it's really good to Identify what we feel so we can respect our Own boundaries. To suppress emotion is to deny our Selves. Yet, to act out emotion is to abusive to ourselves and others. The balance is in identifying the feeling and to then calmly express it, with detachment and love. This takes practice for many of us. Therapy can be an excellent place to experiment with this (as an exercise with the therapist -- not just "oh, let me see how the therapist responds if I say it 'this' way...")

To say: "I am Furious right now! Get out of my way or someone's going to get it!" is a heckuva lot different than to say: "I am really angry about this. I'm going to go for a walk and clear my head. Let's talk about this when we've both had a chance to think this through." Anger is a signal that some need of ours is not being met. And often as is the way of Healthy Relationships, at the core is Compromise on Both Parts.

We can whine and vent and complain and rant and rail and rage -- or we can feel the feeling, stop & Identify what's causing the feeling, take some deep breaths and then discuss it in a calm & rational way, so we can be Heard.

Because people don't tend to hear each other if they're shouting. They hear the Anger, not the Message. (Again, I turn the tables and try to see how I would feel if someone was shouting At me -- what's my experience? ... I shut down. I close off. I push away. I feel hurt. I feel rejected... So, what makes me think that the other person would not feel the same way, if I'm the one doing the shouting?)

The way to be heard is to say: This is how I feel.

The way not to be heard is through "You" statements (blaming, attacking, guilt shame): This is how You made me feel.

I agree that expressing feelings is validating. But we need to validate our own experience. Codependency lies in looking for validation outside ourselves.

I also agree that we're good at invalidating & minimizing our own perspective. That brings up a wealth of emotions, too.

We have to be careful not to Project onto someone else our own feelings, though. In the case of Triggering, even someone in recovery can be "triggered" by my assertiveness as I express my needs or feelings. Someone can say "I've had to deal with that all my life!" and I can say: "Whoa, bud! I'm just asserting how I feel right now." The imbalance can come in the form of feeling like a Victim. That's dangerous ground, too.

Feelings are a signal about our individual needs. Identifying that you have a right to how you feel. And acknowledging that I have a right to how I feel. And then assess what's behind your own feeling. (In true form of Codependency, we try to "Fix" the other person -- the You statement -- analyzing what They are feeling and why...)

Instead, put the focus where it needs to be. On ourselves-- the I Statement: Am I feeling like a victim? why? what is this Really about? Am I feeling angry? why? what is this Really about? Where am I not asserting myself? Where am I not being heard? What is this bringing up for me? (Is that someone else's fault that they triggered me? Do I expect them to be a mind-reader if I don't tell them my boundary?)

I guess I could yammer on forever and ever about emotions and feelings.

I hope something I said is helpful or useful to you. Take what you want, leave the rest. Please...

Hi DayStar,

I am at a point now where I am trying to look at the thoughts behind the feelings, to see if my thoughts are even reasonable. I am one that has had a lot of anger over things. Usually it has been because either I have expectations that are not being met externally, or, because I am not taking care of myself.

My take on all of this is that sometimes feelings are overrated, lol. Here is what I mean. Someone from my church asks me to do something and I don't want to do it. Let's say it is to take on another project. A couple of years ago, I not say "no" and then I would feel extremely angry and put-upon, taken advantage of, all that.

I would carry that anger and frustration around, venting to various people who would listen, etc. And I felt the anger, physically. Now, if I kept telling myself the same thoughts (as in "They take advantage of you, blah, blah), I would just be fueling the anger fire in me. That was not the solution for me. There was no question I felt the anger and was acknowledging to myself that I was angry. I guess some could say that I "should have" told the person who asked that I was angry. But that was not really the problem.

The problem was, I did not take care of myself and simply speak up and say "no". When I started doing that, the feeling just went away all by itself. The anger dissolved. I did not blame someone for asking me any more. I took the responsibility of taking care of myself, owning my part in this (because I was the one making myself angry) and the best part was, the anger went away all by itself. I did not have to stuff it or do anything with it at all.

So, I do agree with your thoughts about feelings, Daystar. From my perspective, feelings are just cues to what we are thinking. In my opinion, the thoughts bring on the feelings. I am not suggesting that every thought be shared, either, but I do think if you/me/we can get to the root of the conflict, we can share those thoughts to others.

In other words, if I am thinking someone is acting badly, I do not need to take their inventory, even if I am thinking it. What I try to do is see what is behind it and go from there. Sometimes it also means I have to accept people as they are, and lower my expectations.

My sister has a very different perspective on things than I do. She often does not return calls, etc. or will tell me she will call back and then does not. Over and over I would be angry about the way she treated me. And I finally accepted that she is how she is, I am not changing her, and if I keep on the way I am, the only one upset is me.

So, I said, okay, Shar you do not like this, but this is reality, and I have detached. I limit very much my calls and interaction with her. And I am not upset hardly ever with her, because I am not around her dealing with her stuff. It is not the perfect answer, but it works for me.

Hugs,

Shar

I don't think feelings are overrated, I think it's more to do with us feeling feelings to do with resentment, which are the result of our not having expressed our true feelings.As with Shar taking on a project she in fact wanted to say no to. These kind of gut responses shouldn't happen, but in codependency they happen a lot.- because at first our need to say yes is so paramount.
I like Amelah's approach, where she advises on stepping back from reactivity. Brilliant stuff! I am work in progress. For me, thoughts run close to feelings, as long as we remain authentic. The moment we try to sugar coat the pill, that's when we hit the giant waves and become immersed.