I have major...MAJOR codependency issues.
I have the worst self confidence in the world. I have only ever found self worth through the acceptance of others.
Most recently, tonight, I have been an absolute mess over this one guy.
He just got a divorce. I met him at a party. He asked for my number and then he said he was ready to date. Then he said he just wanted to be friends, and not to complicate things. Then, I mentioned my parents were leaving out of town on a trip and he said he wanted to come over and hang out. I invited friends to join us but he insisted we hang out alone, AS FRIENDS. Of course, we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together. I asked him why he planned on sleeping with me, considering he was prepared with a whole set of condoms when he came over. And he said "I really like you" and continued repeating that. Even before he came over he was telling me how excited he was to see me.
The next morning he seemed really excited about staying over and couldn't stop thanking me and two days after, he texted me "I can't see you anymore. I need to be alone"
I literally exploded on him. I lost my mind. I was there for him right after his divorce, I offered my friendship, I slept with him, and then I felt like he just threw me away the second he had a bad day. He started texting me constantly how he was losing his mind because of his divorce and crying and upset and I just sent him pages and pages and pages of angry texts throughout the day. I was so upset that he just wanted to abandon me right after he slept with me. I told him I felt used and that he was fucked up and selfish.
Later that night he called me and we apologized to each other and he said he wanted to continue being friends.
Fast forward to today. He ended up texting me a lot and then I invited him to come here again. Of course we slept together again, and he once again sent me texts telling me how he couldnt wait to see me and once again told me multiple times how he liked me a lot.
The very next day, he practically ran out of my house. I texted him if he was ok and he said, "To be honest, I feel a lot worse after being with you".
I exploded on him again, sending him text after text telling him he made me feel used and how hurtful it was for him to tell me that I made him feel worse about his ex wife after he told me he liked me and wanted to see me and remain friends. He made me feel like all of my efforts to make him happy and that his time spent with me was wasted. I started getting self conscious and I got so upset and sent him the meanest things ever.
He called me later that night and I told him how I felt and he denied everything and then said he didn't want to see me anymore and hung up on me while I was mid sentence.
I tried to call him back right away....three, four times and nothing. I spent the entire night awake, crying my eyes out. I couldn't believe that he just hung up on me and abandoned me once again. I told him before we started seeing each other that the one thing that I can't handle and that hurts me most is when people abandon me without any closure. And thats exactly what he did.
This morning I felt so terrible for all of the awful things I said to him and how our conversation just ended with him hanging up on me and not talking to me again. I sent him all of these apologies telling him how sorry I was for being so cruel and mean and that I knew he was already dealing with a lot and didnt mean to hurt me. I asked him to give me another chance. I left him a voicemail asking him to forgive me. I tried everything. Pages of I'm sorry texts.
And I never heard from him again.
I don't know what to do. I'm losing my mind. I feel abandoned. I feel like he thinks I am bipolar and crazy and that he is running for the hills. He wont even text me goodbye or acknowledge my goodbye texts to him. I have been crying hysterically for the entire night and I feel worthless. I feel like a terrible, disgusting person and that I deserve him not responding to me. I'm fucking disgusting.