Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I have major...MAJOR codependency issues.
I have the worst self confidence in the world. I have only ever found self worth through the acceptance of others.
Most recently, tonight, I have been an absolute mess over this one guy.
He just got a divorce. I met him at a party. He asked for my number and then he said he was ready to date. Then he said he just wanted to be friends, and not to complicate things. Then, I mentioned my parents were leaving out of town on a trip and he said he wanted to come over and hang out. I invited friends to join us but he insisted we hang out alone, AS FRIENDS. Of course, we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together. I asked him why he planned on sleeping with me, considering he was prepared with a whole set of condoms when he came over. And he said "I really like you" and continued repeating that. Even before he came over he was telling me how excited he was to see me.
The next morning he seemed really excited about staying over and couldn't stop thanking me and two days after, he texted me "I can't see you anymore. I need to be alone"
I literally exploded on him. I lost my mind. I was there for him right after his divorce, I offered my friendship, I slept with him, and then I felt like he just threw me away the second he had a bad day. He started texting me constantly how he was losing his mind because of his divorce and crying and upset and I just sent him pages and pages and pages of angry texts throughout the day. I was so upset that he just wanted to abandon me right after he slept with me. I told him I felt used and that he was fucked up and selfish.
Later that night he called me and we apologized to each other and he said he wanted to continue being friends.
Fast forward to today. He ended up texting me a lot and then I invited him to come here again. Of course we slept together again, and he once again sent me texts telling me how he couldnt wait to see me and once again told me multiple times how he liked me a lot.
The very next day, he practically ran out of my house. I texted him if he was ok and he said, "To be honest, I feel a lot worse after being with you".
I exploded on him again, sending him text after text telling him he made me feel used and how hurtful it was for him to tell me that I made him feel worse about his ex wife after he told me he liked me and wanted to see me and remain friends. He made me feel like all of my efforts to make him happy and that his time spent with me was wasted. I started getting self conscious and I got so upset and sent him the meanest things ever.
He called me later that night and I told him how I felt and he denied everything and then said he didn't want to see me anymore and hung up on me while I was mid sentence.
I tried to call him back right away....three, four times and nothing. I spent the entire night awake, crying my eyes out. I couldn't believe that he just hung up on me and abandoned me once again. I told him before we started seeing each other that the one thing that I can't handle and that hurts me most is when people abandon me without any closure. And thats exactly what he did.
This morning I felt so terrible for all of the awful things I said to him and how our conversation just ended with him hanging up on me and not talking to me again. I sent him all of these apologies telling him how sorry I was for being so cruel and mean and that I knew he was already dealing with a lot and didnt mean to hurt me. I asked him to give me another chance. I left him a voicemail asking him to forgive me. I tried everything. Pages of I'm sorry texts.
And I never heard from him again.
I don't know what to do. I'm losing my mind. I feel abandoned. I feel like he thinks I am bipolar and crazy and that he is running for the hills. He wont even text me goodbye or acknowledge my goodbye texts to him. I have been crying hysterically for the entire night and I feel worthless. I feel like a terrible, disgusting person and that I deserve him not responding to me. I'm fucking disgusting.
I have the worst self confidence in the world. I have only ever found self worth through the acceptance of others.
Most recently, tonight, I have been an absolute mess over this one guy.
He just got a divorce. I met him at a party. He asked for my number and then he said he was ready to date. Then he said he just wanted to be friends, and not to complicate things. Then, I mentioned my parents were leaving out of town on a trip and he said he wanted to come over and hang out. I invited friends to join us but he insisted we hang out alone, AS FRIENDS. Of course, we ended up getting drunk and sleeping together. I asked him why he planned on sleeping with me, considering he was prepared with a whole set of condoms when he came over. And he said "I really like you" and continued repeating that. Even before he came over he was telling me how excited he was to see me.
The next morning he seemed really excited about staying over and couldn't stop thanking me and two days after, he texted me "I can't see you anymore. I need to be alone"
I literally exploded on him. I lost my mind. I was there for him right after his divorce, I offered my friendship, I slept with him, and then I felt like he just threw me away the second he had a bad day. He started texting me constantly how he was losing his mind because of his divorce and crying and upset and I just sent him pages and pages and pages of angry texts throughout the day. I was so upset that he just wanted to abandon me right after he slept with me. I told him I felt used and that he was fucked up and selfish.
Later that night he called me and we apologized to each other and he said he wanted to continue being friends.
Fast forward to today. He ended up texting me a lot and then I invited him to come here again. Of course we slept together again, and he once again sent me texts telling me how he couldnt wait to see me and once again told me multiple times how he liked me a lot.
The very next day, he practically ran out of my house. I texted him if he was ok and he said, "To be honest, I feel a lot worse after being with you".
I exploded on him again, sending him text after text telling him he made me feel used and how hurtful it was for him to tell me that I made him feel worse about his ex wife after he told me he liked me and wanted to see me and remain friends. He made me feel like all of my efforts to make him happy and that his time spent with me was wasted. I started getting self conscious and I got so upset and sent him the meanest things ever.
He called me later that night and I told him how I felt and he denied everything and then said he didn't want to see me anymore and hung up on me while I was mid sentence.
I tried to call him back right away....three, four times and nothing. I spent the entire night awake, crying my eyes out. I couldn't believe that he just hung up on me and abandoned me once again. I told him before we started seeing each other that the one thing that I can't handle and that hurts me most is when people abandon me without any closure. And thats exactly what he did.
This morning I felt so terrible for all of the awful things I said to him and how our conversation just ended with him hanging up on me and not talking to me again. I sent him all of these apologies telling him how sorry I was for being so cruel and mean and that I knew he was already dealing with a lot and didnt mean to hurt me. I asked him to give me another chance. I left him a voicemail asking him to forgive me. I tried everything. Pages of I'm sorry texts.
And I never heard from him again.
I don't know what to do. I'm losing my mind. I feel abandoned. I feel like he thinks I am bipolar and crazy and that he is running for the hills. He wont even text me goodbye or acknowledge my goodbye texts to him. I have been crying hysterically for the entire night and I feel worthless. I feel like a terrible, disgusting person and that I deserve him not responding to me. I'm fucking disgusting.
This guy is a user. You are not a loser.
You need to delete his number and block it, too.
He's toxic. He plays into all your triggers.
He did not abandon you, btw- he took advantage of your low self esteem.
He's a creep, but this is more about you. The first time he did that showed his true nature, yet you went back for a second round of crap. THAT's the crux of the issue...
WHY did this guy whom you barely knew (and you slept with... scary) hit you to your very core when you realized you were just a way for him to get his rocks off??? Why did that upset you so much.
I think you need to explore that before you enter into ANY relationship with a man... even as "friends."
BTW- "Just got out of a divorce" means I need sex but don't want any commitments whatsoever. "Alone" means sex. You had to see those warning signs, right???
You are not terrible or disgusting!
Nearly-all codependent people can relate to what you're saying. I know that I certainly can... you meet someone new, feel the encouragement/rush of new attention. Then, you find out he (or she, in my case) is a little bit broken and needs a little bit of help, which you're happy to provide in exchange for words of encouragement, gold stars, etc. etc. That person, intentionally or unintentionally, uses that help for his/her advantage, leaving you feeling used and abandoned.
This is not because you are disgusting, as you said at the end of your message. It is probably because you have "the worst self-confidence in the world," as you said in the beginning.
People do all sorts of stupid things when they get divorced. This is because they feel wounded, they want to "get even" with their exes, they have been repressed and miserable, or many other reasons. These stupid things are not your fault.
Consider, however, the risks to yourself of being associated with someone in that situation. If he has caused you to feel this way twice already, how likely is it that, after the third time you see him, all will be blissful, he will be kind and give you the attention you want, and you will live happily ever after together?
What happened with this guy has happened and no amount of texting or calling will change it. Hopefully you can let it go and start to think more about ways to boost your own self confidence vs fixating on this guy's issues and his mistreatment of you.
Good luck
I do now realize that he manipulated me and used me with literally no care for my feelings at all.
What I have trouble with is my own behaviors. What kind of normal person sends literally pages and pages and pages of harrassing angry text messages to someone and then the next day sends pages and pages of apologetic texts? If a guy treated me that way I would be so irritated and running for the hills. I dont think my behavior is normal and I think its a sign of my codependency...just continuing to type away and vent all my feelings and emotions and frustrations out expecting him to hopefully respond at some point. I have behaved this way before and I am ashamed and I feel weak, desperate, irritating and like a nuisance. I get filled with so much emotion that I just explode and I cant stop writing and trying to grab that persons attention. How can I rid myself of this lonely and harmful habit?
From my view then I see it as wise to blame your self and you take full responsibility for your life including letting him into it and the strong way is to take the full blame onto our self.
I do this my self, as anything which happens is always my own fault, and that way it becomes my own job to fix it or to deal with it or whatever.
The man had just got a divorce so he is on the REBOUND and that is probably why he was so flippant and mixed up. Any person (man or woman) on the rebound is a mental basket case and we have all been there and done that.
So I agree with your last comment that it is your own behavior which now matters and that is the only thing that you now need to work on.
My own view is that you just jumped in way too fast with that guy and we all need to take our time with any relationship.
Write mails that you'll never send out but just to express your feelings. That works for me when I can't get myself off a guy.
I'm curious why you chose borderline over codependency. What else do you consider to be borderline traits?
Please be gentle with yourself. I can totally understand reacting with anger and disbelief at how this person treated you. Don't beat yourself up for expressing your anger, but do stop now. What's done is done. You told him exactly how he made you feel, and really, it's none of his business anymore so cut him out of your life for good. He doesn't deserve to know how you're feeling, what you are doing, or what you are thinking. He is the terrible, disgusting person, not you.
I'm glad someone else brought up bpd because I thought it too but wouldn't have had the courage to say it out of fear of offending, and since you asked these are the criteria and why I thought of it, not saying you have it I'm not a psychiatrist...
From the DSM-5:
Borderline Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked by impulsivity, beginning in early childhood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following:
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance; markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to the marked reactivity of mood (ie- intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (ie- frequent displays of tempter, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
I hope you don't take offense to this, it doesn't make anything he did any less horrible, what a jerk!
It is scary when you feel out of control. I was there, too. My lowest was when I was in an abusive relationship. He triggered me left and right and manipulated me to the point where I was totally out of control and thought I was crazy and went to a psych.
Funny thing was, I only felt that way in my romantic relationships. (Well, I was also triggered other times, but that's a long story. I turned out to have CPTSD...)
Do you fly off the handle with others? Co workers? Friends? Family? Or is it just this prize winner of a slime ball?
Don't be scared; be thankful you have the insight into your behaviors. That means, you can only get better! : )))
I've suggested things in the past to people trying to help them, and I've head my head bitten off for much less.
Keep writing it out. Log your feelings. Examine things. Find trends. You'll gain insight. This is a good day for you!
Hugs.
I'd hop on the personality disorder and codep boards and ask them- you may find their opinions helpful.
Hugs.