These are good goals to work on. I can see myself wanting more of this, too.

It is a good start to decide to make changes within ourselves. Do baby steps, and not beat yourself up.

The first step to learning how to have boundaries is to understand what boundaries really are and why we don't have any.

There are internal boundaries or rules we set for ourselves and there are external boundaries which are rules we set for someone else's behavior. The truly effective ones are internal boundaries. We can't tell someone else how to change or how to behave. But we can respond not react to their behavior based on our own internal boundaries. We have to have rules based on our own values. We can't tell others how to act, behave, talk based on our values.

Sit down and think about one value you hold that you would like to set an internal boundary about. So the school rule about no cell phones. What is your value about this? Do you need to be liked more than you need the kids' attention? Do you see being liked as more important than actually teaching something important to the kids?

See I ask this stuff because I've been researching boundaries myself. There is a good book based called "Boundaries (2017)" by Cloud and Townsend. Is based on Christianity. But they explore ourselves having to set internal boundaries and change OUR behavior, thinking, etc.

If you decide your value is to teach the children not be their friend or make them like you, then it is easier to deal with the conflict. If you see guiding the children as more important than being liked, then having that internal value and boundary makes this easier.

If you see this as "they must change" and follow your rules, you will likely vacillate and be weak. "They must change" is the wrong ideation about boundaries.

You do serve the children best by focusing on teaching them something which means your value is no cell phone usage, no talking in class, etc. With that value, you can stand strong. Knowing your values helps with setting internal boundaries. If my value is doing what is best for the kids, teaching them, then I am not going to get weak and want to be liked more than imparting knowledge.

Hope this makes sense. And I admire you for thinking about this stuff and being willing to change yourself. That is what self growth is about. Happy New Year to you.

hasty_05, That's a really good point about setting internal values, and it's surprisingly a lot harder to do than it seems, especially for romantic relationship, which is why I'm concentrating on my professional one for now. I do value a lot of learning in my classroom and make it to clear to my students they will do more work in my class than they have done in their previous class and there will be tests, assignments, and they will have to learn all sorts of subjects, not just addition and subtraction. (I teach in communities where teachers get away with only teaching addition until I get the the kids in grade 5 or 8 and I have to catch them up on fractions, grammar, science, etc.) I'm actually super successful in getting them to learn and do more work than they have every done.

What I struggle with is the behavioural stuff, especially if the class is well-behaved, which I know sounds weird. If the class is full of hellions who don't want to do their work, which I had my share of, I can lay down the law at the beginning and concentrate on making them do their work. Learning and doing work is NOT option in my class.

But If the class is well-behaved and gets their work done, which is what I got this year, I'm like, "yeah, go on your phone. Yes, you can play cards. You did your work. Okay, you swore and said the F-bomb when playing cards, just don't do it again. Oh, you did it again, but you didn't mean it, it just slipped out.
That's okay then. Yeah, yeah, your work is done, go chat with your friends."

And I notice things are starting to get chaotic, so I guess I need another value that's beyond, "learn stuff, get their work done."

Interestingly, a lot of the other teachers do have the class under complete control. The kids stay quietly in their seats, working on addition worksheets for 3 hours, then colour or do wordsearch for the rest of the day while the teacher is on her cellphone (the principal has tried to get staff off cellphones for years, but yeah, it's not easy) and the kids know not to bug him or her. They know to shut up, stay quiet, work on those addition questions or colour.

My students this year oddly enough, actually like doing their assignments, and they never complain about all the tests and assignments I give (FYI: three years ago a girl did cry because she wasn't used to that amount of work, and the class from hell did complain they did harder work in Grade 5 than the Grade 8 who were still doing addition), and I love joking around with them and playing cards with them, but yeah, I have notice the kids are getting too comfortable with me, and while I don't want to be, all "be quiet, do your work, don't bug me", I know there is a level of professionalism missing, and I just have to figure what that is beyond, "learn stuff and do lots of work."

I got the learn stuff and do lots of work down. I think my issue is that I don't value classroom discipline and conflate it with making mindless obedient sheep devoid of critical thinking skills, but I noticed some of my students covering their ears because the class is getting too loud, and other students casually swearing, and so many whipping phones out casually, so I'm like, "okay, time to rethink classroom discipline." Like you said, I need to understand the core value in that.

Just a thought Cronic as I read your post....get ready to be tested when you are making changes,...kids and adults alike don't like to change against 'what they have been able to do in the past'.

Everything has a learning curve where the one word that stops my son in his tracks, without me being the 'bad Mom'....****Choice"""" meaning YOU are putting forth an idea of change, They Need To Hear and Make The Right Choice/Decision or suffer the consequences.

Honesty with self and others is Hard when trying to shift life long behaviors! Perhaps coming up with realistic consequences, changes in the way you want to run your class and The Reason For Change "chaotic room prevents learning'....after the holiday season....maybe even a heads up, and ask kids to come back after holiday with their Own Ideas/Consequences...You as the teacher have the final say in how your class will be run.

Personally I think you have the Hardest Job on earth next to being a parent as you've got to wear So Many Hats today in this very complicated world of education. Sending You Good Wishes and really glad to read you are doing something to help yourself down the path towards not only healing in your heart/mind, but also through your change you are helping others live a more healthy life <3

mlr0853 - Thanks for your kind words of encouragement and support! You are correct - kids and adults don't like change and being told "no", and it's good to be ready to be tested. I know, because like I said in my post, I hate being corrected LOL. I know a lot of my reluctance to lay down the law is my own weird relationship with things like discipline, rules, and boundaries. That, and I preferred to be liked than disliked for anyone reason, so I do need to work on being okay if people don't like me setting boundaries. I like what you said about focusing on the idea that chaos prevents learning. If I can change my view to see discipline and rules from that angle, I think it'll help a lot in getting me to be firm with boundaries.