Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I've been on this site for several months now. The issues with a very abusive relationship/breakup inspired me to join. So I've been taking great steps to cut the abusive people out of my life. I've been successful in ways, unsuccessful in others.
Let me get to the point: my dad is my number one abuser. He always has been. He's a mean drunk who has told me my entire live how everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, I do and say is wrong. He seems to derive joy from my pain- even though his life holds no real joy due to the fact that he's mean and horrible to everyone around him so everyone left him. Everyone except me and my grandma (his mom). She believes my father can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how he abuses ANYONE- he's always right. I know this b/c the woman adores me and if I DARE say anything other than extremily pleasant things to my father- she tells me I have to be easier on him. "You have to go easy on your father, things are hard for him." As if nothing in this world is hard for ANYONE else- just my dad. That's it. He's the only person that has any right to feel ANYTHING. Everyone else is wrong.
My problem is this- I go over to my dad's every sunday. I have to stop doing that. My grandma is staying with him currently. Whenever she's there she cooks a bunch of food for me which she gets DEEPLY offended if I don't eat. That might sound cute to others who are used to this type of culture (I'm Italian- but I know that's not the only culture that equates food with love), but when you're 90 pounds overweight and someone looks at you like you killed their dog when you turn down food, not so cute. Anyway- my father screams at me to eat. I say no, repeatedly. No one cares. Whenever I say no they just see it like they simply have to repeat themselves 10 more times and then I'll eat- which I do to shut them up. I'm not exaggerating with the number 10- they really will repeat themselves this many times- if not more.
So yeah, he screams at me repeatedly to eat and- here's the best part- he spends the whole day making fat jokes about me! Awesome isn't it? I get screamed at to eat things which are horribly unhealthy and bad for me. Politely turning down the food is not an option btw- I try to many times. So I give in to make people happy- I eat the food. Guess what the food does? It makes me fatter! Awesome! And then my dad gets to make fun of me like I'm a stupid child who's emotions don't matter AT ALL. There is no winning. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I feel so much bad shit right now- I go back and forth between feeling hopeless, feeling rage, feeling like I'd be better off if I just stayed in bed, basically feeling depressed as shit. I feel like everyday is a struggle. This is exactly how I felt after me and my recent ex broke up (the abuser which sparked my joining this site) I am 100% sure this was brought on by the manner in which my dad acted this Sunday. Part of me wants to tell him this. Tell him all the rage, anger, and hurt he causes me and has caused me my entire life- another part of me feels that NO GOOD will come from it. I actually have mentioned it MANY times before in many different ways- none work. You think my Dad sounds mean naturally? That's nothing compared to the absolute Devil he turns into when anyone has the utter nerve to say he is anything less than the greatest man alive. I don't need the abuse. The way in which he responds to me telling him how much he hurt me is FAR WORSE then the hurt itself. He'll go into how I shouldn't feel this way b/c he was just kidding. Then he'll throw in how I "always" do and say shit like this. Basically telling me its all my fault that I feel bad about myself. There's more, but I think I've made my point.
Like I said, I don't need the abuse that will inevitably come if I told him how bad he was offending me. However- I can't keep this feeling of inferiority inside. It shouldn't be mine. What do I do? If telling him is not an option- how do I cope with this?
Thank you for taking the time to read that. Any input would be much appreciated!
Let me get to the point: my dad is my number one abuser. He always has been. He's a mean drunk who has told me my entire live how everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, I do and say is wrong. He seems to derive joy from my pain- even though his life holds no real joy due to the fact that he's mean and horrible to everyone around him so everyone left him. Everyone except me and my grandma (his mom). She believes my father can do no wrong. It doesn't matter how he abuses ANYONE- he's always right. I know this b/c the woman adores me and if I DARE say anything other than extremily pleasant things to my father- she tells me I have to be easier on him. "You have to go easy on your father, things are hard for him." As if nothing in this world is hard for ANYONE else- just my dad. That's it. He's the only person that has any right to feel ANYTHING. Everyone else is wrong.
My problem is this- I go over to my dad's every sunday. I have to stop doing that. My grandma is staying with him currently. Whenever she's there she cooks a bunch of food for me which she gets DEEPLY offended if I don't eat. That might sound cute to others who are used to this type of culture (I'm Italian- but I know that's not the only culture that equates food with love), but when you're 90 pounds overweight and someone looks at you like you killed their dog when you turn down food, not so cute. Anyway- my father screams at me to eat. I say no, repeatedly. No one cares. Whenever I say no they just see it like they simply have to repeat themselves 10 more times and then I'll eat- which I do to shut them up. I'm not exaggerating with the number 10- they really will repeat themselves this many times- if not more.
So yeah, he screams at me repeatedly to eat and- here's the best part- he spends the whole day making fat jokes about me! Awesome isn't it? I get screamed at to eat things which are horribly unhealthy and bad for me. Politely turning down the food is not an option btw- I try to many times. So I give in to make people happy- I eat the food. Guess what the food does? It makes me fatter! Awesome! And then my dad gets to make fun of me like I'm a stupid child who's emotions don't matter AT ALL. There is no winning. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I feel so much bad shit right now- I go back and forth between feeling hopeless, feeling rage, feeling like I'd be better off if I just stayed in bed, basically feeling depressed as shit. I feel like everyday is a struggle. This is exactly how I felt after me and my recent ex broke up (the abuser which sparked my joining this site) I am 100% sure this was brought on by the manner in which my dad acted this Sunday. Part of me wants to tell him this. Tell him all the rage, anger, and hurt he causes me and has caused me my entire life- another part of me feels that NO GOOD will come from it. I actually have mentioned it MANY times before in many different ways- none work. You think my Dad sounds mean naturally? That's nothing compared to the absolute Devil he turns into when anyone has the utter nerve to say he is anything less than the greatest man alive. I don't need the abuse. The way in which he responds to me telling him how much he hurt me is FAR WORSE then the hurt itself. He'll go into how I shouldn't feel this way b/c he was just kidding. Then he'll throw in how I "always" do and say shit like this. Basically telling me its all my fault that I feel bad about myself. There's more, but I think I've made my point.
Like I said, I don't need the abuse that will inevitably come if I told him how bad he was offending me. However- I can't keep this feeling of inferiority inside. It shouldn't be mine. What do I do? If telling him is not an option- how do I cope with this?
Thank you for taking the time to read that. Any input would be much appreciated!
LET GO, or be dragged.