I was one of those ones who cheated and it wasn’t good. I wish I had the courage too. I feel worse for not having an honest discussion that it wasn’t working. That’s really not that hard when you put it next to shattering someone’s life. I’m sorry you are going through this. I’d be glad to discuss. Take care.

Thank-you for replying. It took a lot of guts to admit what you did and acknowledge the pain it created. I appreciate that. Don't worry, I have no intention of cheating. I said I wish he'd cheat so I didn't have to feel guilty. If I don't have courage, what will happen is that I will stay in this situation without having an honest discussion - I'll just keep going along, hiding, avoiding, bottling things in. I do hope I can have an honest discussion. He doesn't make it easy, but we both deserve that.

I gave myself a deadline with my marriage. After I found out about the cheating, I gave us a year to at least try to fix things. He wasn't willing to go to counseling, to have honest discussions, and still chose to leave all the time. When that year was up, I was packed and out of the door. I don't know if I ever had courage. I had read a quote on a website called Project Happily Ever After... Something along the lines of "Whether you choose to stay or to leave, be happy with your decision." After I finally left, he did make attempts to have a priest contact me, and to put false hopes into the recovery of our relationship. But when I left, I was done. I don't think I had any courage. I was just fed up.

A long hard lesson I have learned more recently is that I can't grieve the end of a relationship with the person I ended it with. I can't walk back into the fire that burned me, and expect comfort. And I can't offer comfort for the other person. I can have empathy, but I can't keep going back.

I will also say part of my decision was made due to fear that I was going to lose my mother to her illness. The thought that I was wasting time trying to fix things with someone who didn't give a shit, while she was suffering, made it easier.

Thanks for replying AdelynRene. I'm sorry your ex cheated on you and wasn't willing to work it out. Good on you for being done with him when he tried to contact you and put in false hope. I plan that if I break up, it's completely done between us, which is why I want to feel sure it's over if I end it. I guess I haven't reached that point of being fed up, but I'm certainly more there than I was last year.

Not being able to grieve the end of a relationship with your partner is a hard lesson! I'm better with the idea now, but one of the things holding me back a few months ago when I first starting getting really miserable was how badly I wanted to end things together, honouring our time together, looking over the good times, remembering what good, thanking him for enriching my lonely, sad life and helping me grow as a person, and then letting each other go in love and light. I'm learning to let go of that desire.

I'm also sorry to hear about your mother. I'm glad you got out of a relationship with someone who didn't give a shit, and didn't waste any more time. Kudos and respect to you. I know it must not have been easy.

I had a million excuses to stay and it took me years, too long. I had a lot of codependency and denial. It wasn’t so bad, etc. We had a bunch of kids and their dad wasn’t trustworthy to have them alone with him for visitation weekends, nor could I work and do everything for these kids on my own. So I lived in denial. and sacrificed my own soul for the kids. I used to tell myself stories to go to sleep, love stories. Had Secret crushes on men, never had an affair though. I’ve mentioned this before but I prayed and prayed for guidance and a sign. And for courage. I kept getting signs only it was all bad. The ex was so crazy and sexually abusive to me. He had a secret life and I started reading his text messages. He thought I was too stupid and he was so arrogant that he didn’t delete his love texts to other women. He would be so stoned at home it was like schizophrenic stuff. Just out of it. I screwed up my courage and started a written plan. Made a pro and con list. I cried every Saturday night home alone. I hid cash and made copies of our legal papers. I made him move out and he never saw it coming. The first night alone was such relief. I was a possession only. I can’t remember feeling guilt but I did spend several years working on me and recognizing my behaviors that harmed myself. He has continued his abuse after the divorce but it has taught me to be strong. There is always an aftermath no matter what decision we make. If we stay, we pay a price. If we end it, we pay a price. I thought it would be easier and happier To separate and divorce but I look back now and am so happy I divorced him. Even with the aftermath. Once I decided and told him, a million pound weight lifted off my mind and heart. I felt it was self love finally finally.

Thanks for your reply urbangardener. I can't imagine how much harder it is to leave a relationship when there are children involved. That's heartbreaking to read about you crying on Saturday night and telling yourself love stories to go to sleep. I have mad respect for you being able to leave him. That took a lot of courage and guts, and I'm glad that you finally felt self love and putting yourself first. I hope things are better for you now, with the new relationship.

I want to ask you and AdelynRene, why do men who make it clear that their partners no longer make them happy (cheating on their partners, preferring other women, etc.) want to stay in the relationship, why not be direct and bow out instead of putting it on us to do the leaving, but I guess that doesn't matter. That's just me being a paralyzed ostrich who wants to stick her head in the sand and not make a decision. I'm sorry your ex still continues his abuse. I'm glad you've learned to be stronger! You're an amazing woman!

My partner would never cheat on me (that would make my life easier). If anything, I'm the less faithful one in the relationship. He's all about principles and anti-corruption and anti-incompetence, and in terms of relationship ethics, he's squeaky clean. My problem with him is that he's critical and punishing and doesn't want to communicate. I guess there's part of me that feels like leaving him for those reasons would be a betrayal of sorts, because he didn't actually do anything ethically wrong. At the same time, I do believe if someone wants to leave a relationship for any reason, even if the reason seems banal and insignificant, the fact that they want to leave is good enough. And more and more, I am seeing how his treatment of me is disrespectful, even if he's not ethically doing something wrong like cheating or stealing from me.

I haven't gotten to the point of wanting to leave yet, but let me tell you, there are certainly more days when I want to leave now than there have been in the past. At the very least, hoping to screw up the courage to have a direct conversation.

I have been letting go of the only woman I’ve ever loved. She loves me also so it’s not been easy for either of us. The thing is that she doesn’t have it in her to show affection. And I don’t express myself because I don’t want to hurt her. We’re best friends and maybe that’s what it’s meant to be. We’re taking a few months apart to feel what our hearts are saying. We miss each other but it’s been a relief to be able to focus on ourselves.
Weird timing with the virus as we wouldn’t have had space.
I’m thankful that we both are aware that there’s missing elements in the relationship that isn’t anyone’s fault. This is the key to breaking up without suffering. I didn’t think it would feel this flowy. (best word I could use) I was able to say what I wanted in a relationship and she knows. She was able to say that she can’t give me what I want and deserve. It’s sad but it’s just the way it is.
We talk everyday and she’s lonely. I’m lonely too but to support one another through it is a gift. However the feeling of freedom is also a gift. When she comes back to the states I think we will continue to live separately and I will have to decide if I want to stay in the marriage. She doesn’t want a divorce but I think with more time apart that change won’t be as hard.
I have had those nights like urbangardener, dreaming of a woman who would love to cuddle and kiss and want to put the energy into creating. That question you asked about why stay? My wife is the sweetest person I’ve ever known. We have been together more than half of our lives and are family but not lovers. I need more. She doesn’t. We’ve stayed because it’s familiar and safe and we enjoy the company.
I don’t want anyone else but I’m slowly coming to understand that I need to move on with my life. I love being with her and at the same time I feel rejected and hurt with her intimacy avoiding. The parts we do right we do great but it’s not a whole thing.
It’s going to hurt her and I don’t want to do that. However I have time to sort out what we need. I told her I am not going to jump into another relationship. I have plenty to work on with myself and she does too.
I can’t imagine having to engineer a plan to break up with someone. Even if communication was hard during the relationship at least end it with honesty and grace. (If both people are emotionally stable of course.)
Like I said before, we’re both libras and making these huge decisions isn’t easy. Especially when it’s not clear if we just need to keep up working on ourselves to find our happiness (which is happening) or if we’re holding each other back from growing. When we start talking face to face again this will be what will make the decision.
I know this isn’t the kind of comment you were looking for but I thought it might help nonetheless.
Most of my life I didn’t know how to allow myself to ask what I want for me. Finding this strength with your partner is liberating. You can’t want happiness for yourself and not want the same for the other. If you can then the relationship isn’t built on anything real It’s the perfect test. The flip side is if you’re not happy then your partner can’t be happy either. If they say they are then there’s a self honesty problem. And that’s a big relationship problem.
Good luck with finding what is best for YOU

You asked a good question about why men want their partners to change but will not leave the relationship. It is not just men that do this, often we women are the offenders. I believe that we want the other person to change because it is easier than changing what needs to be fixed inside of our own selves. It is easier for me to blame you, or put the whole problem onto you, than to take responsibility and ownership and fix myself because that is such hard work. The other side to this is some people want to control the other person. So the control and manipulation works when they constantly blame or belittle the other person. If you would just act this way, we would be happy. It is simply a control mechanism to keep the partner "less than" and the perpetrator "more than." If I make my partner feel badly about themselves, if I blame them for all problems, if I use them for my needs but refuse to acknowledge their needs, then the problem is me. But I make the problem the other person because it suits my controlling, immature, or narcissistic nature.

Agreed. There is also the unrealistic optimistic denial behavior (I know). Where you live in a hope of a potential happiness in the future. Sure now isn’t great but I love who you could be for me. I’ve done this for years and am letting that go.
To break that spell all it takes is one question: do you think we’re good for each other right now? How have we done so far and has anything changed?
Based on that, is there a real chance of going forward and growing together or is there a stagnation that won’t let go?
And then the self look, what place am I in that is resisting my own growth?
Denial is a bitch.