I think that anxiety and maybe the guilt and even sometime the shame is normal when we are trying to change out of our codependency. Remember that you are making changes to yourself and within the family dynamics. The other family members will push back to get you back into what is called "homeostasis" or back to the old patterns. Your change can be very intimidating to them. I have a good quote if you want it about being okay with people not liking us as we change and grow.

You have every right to start making the change or changes and keeping your mouth shut about these changes to your family. Keep doing the new changes and eventually you will be strong enough to withstand the "butting heads" with family members. Eventually this will be the new you that is ingrained within you. Expect to perhaps have that old anxiety and shame or guilt a little bit but in time if you practice new skills you will be able to rebut this old ingrained pattern in your thinking. I have learned to say no but in all honesty, there are times when I still second guess myself the next day or hours later. I know this is my pattern, and is anxiety and self doubt. So what I do is positive self talk and to recognize my pattern of thinking and say to myself something like "stay strong". So yes, it has gotten easier to be my own best friend. Consider this your being your own best friend. Write this down on a note and post it where you can see it daily "be my own best friend" and if you follow this, your thinking will become to be less codependent and more self loving and self worth affirming.

There are also techniques you can use to help you set boundaries. Sit down and write thing with pen and paper. Say your mom wants you to come clean her house every Saturday and spend your entire day off with her when you have other things you want to do. Yes, she will get mad you stop doing this. Yes, you will live if she gets mad but your freedom is worth breaking these chains. So... on this paper write out some ways to handle this. Maybe you don't answer the phone or text messages from her quickly, you wait hours. Write down some answers you want to say. Practice saying them aloud to yourself. Sorry, mom, I can't come Saturday. Or sorry mom this will be my last Saturday because I ahve other things to do (don't give examples, you have a life and other things to do is truth). She will then say why, how dare you, and on and on. This is where you are the gray rock or the broken record and do not get engaged in defending yourself. Cut the conversation off short, walk out of her house, hang up the phone, turn off the phone. Expect all your siblings and relatives to call you demanding you keep doing the Saturday thing. They want you to do it so they don't have to. Stay strong and don't answer their calls either if they are going to harass or harangue you.

Believe me, I have relatives like this and I just hit that brick wall where I had to choose me over pleasing them. I still have to do this kind of practicing of skills. I still have to tell myself positive things, instead of bashing myself. So I know you can do this because your goal of having a happy, good life is going to lead you through. You are strong, you are intelligent, and you deserve to get out of these chains.

Sorry this is so long but the other thing to consider is that we meet up with controlling people all of our lives. It can be lovers, bosses, neighbors, coworkers, etc. Having these skills to stand up for ourselves and be our own best friend will NEVER please these types of people. So learning the skills now is better than a life time of saying yes and then being unhappy.

Hi Buttonflower....what you've written could have been a carbon copy of me many years ago when my family was alive. Like you I was the pleaser, peace maker and protector. Living with two alcoholics created a lot of uncertainty in my early life. I had no emotional support or understanding of how I felt. Not terribly popular in school or a great student. I looked for other ways to seek approval by 'being a good little girl' and doing overboard things to get the approval I needed and appreciation to make myself feel better. It didn't work. Later on the insanity got worse and I started the peace making and protecting of my mother. For years...it was a very toxic house. Leaving me confused, very low self esteem, not able to make decisions, and a huge amount of feeling not worthy or good enough.

For you to recognize all the many factors at play in your family dynamic, well this is Huge as you work towards recovery for yourself to create your own life. And Yes It Is Hard to breakaway from patterns that you've used and now want to change. And Yes, your family won't like the new emerging you who speaks her mind rather than 'what they want to hear'. Finding your voice and feeling confident takes time baby steps and is a life long process not only with your family, but also with friends, co workers and boss....the work is to find your own acceptance and value within yourself and what you do so the need to seek will become less and less... this too is a life time learning process.

DBT skills are wonderful, I've used them over the past 15 years or so and they really do work if practiced consistently. So hold tight to your dreams and desires, do what you feel comfortable with and say No politely with No Explanation! This is important as the person trying you to get you do what they want will have a better chance to wear you down with their controlling words....as your anxiety kicks in that is their power over you....with practice you can do a quick mind distraction, or maybe three good intake of breath and just say I'm not able to do ???...disengage and walk away. This too will be hard and takes practice.

I think I was in my 30's when my parents finally 'got it' they'd be fighting and trying to draw me in...eventually I was able to tell them if they tried this anymore I'd just leave...after a few times of me just saying Bye and walking out the door they were Much better. Then I had the problem of my Stepfather's abuse towards my mother...well that one never did go away right up to her death...but that was less as the years went by cause he wouldn't do it in front of me. Know that you are worthy and deserve to live your life as you choose and Go Do It :) you'll find yourself feeling proud of you and much more fulfilled.

Yes, it definitely gets easier! You don't have to explain or rationalize, you can just set your boundaries without discussion. People will get used to your new ways of doing things or else they will go away. That's what happened to me. I also come from what I now see is a very codependent family, but nobody was a drug addict or alcoholic either (except eventually me). However, my mother was the heaviest smoker and coffee drinker I ever heard of, and she was quite dysfunctional. I do now understand that my mother was a narcissist and I am an empath, and that's how I became codependent. There are some very helpful videos on YouTube from Dr. Ramini, Lisa Romano, and Ross Rosenberg.

Reading throughout the initial post and the replies, I now see clearly what I have been struggling with all these years. Darn, I am over 50 and now I finally can put finger on what the heck was bothering me most of my life. Having very clingy mother who still to this day makes me feel like crap every time I decide something to do. I have to fight back like I am 5. At the end, she always said, I know you are right blah blah blah…. Why does she have the need to place me in the corner where I feel like an insecure little girl. When I know darn well that my decisions are sound and usually bring good outcomes. Codependent behavior is ingrained in me since I have been able to talk. I am ppl pleaser, fixer and rescuer. And ppl around me are used to me being all that. Finally I am trying to address these behaviors so I can take care of my own sanity, and I can’t even imagine what kind of waves I’m about to cause. But to be my own best friend, I have to do this.

Welcome Sskoko. Starting to realize our codependence and family enmeshment is an eye opener to our own reactions and thinking. I was over 50 myself when I realized that yes I am codependent. I suggest the newer book by Melody Beatty The New Codependency because it relates to current generations and has activities or exercise at the end of each chapter. But her older book, Codependent No More. I agree with you that we have to be our own best friend. I still remind myself of this at times. I do feel liberated at changing my behaviors and thinking, it feels good to say no and put. my needs first. Yet, at times, I still have to think about the guilt that crops up for meeting my own needs first. Good counseling has been extremely helpful. Take care of. yourself and share more on the more current postings or write a new one. It helps to share with others on here.