Hi there, and welcome.

First of all, you've been through a tough time--so a big hug. Obviously this person doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, I don't think anything is going to change. It's time to move on. Plus, why want him to change and want to be in a relationship with you? you are worth more than that. You deserve someone who truly wants you, someone who will bend over backwards wanting you to feel secure in the relationship. If you didn't feel secure in the relationship to begin with it was probably because he was behaving in some way towards you in which you intuited that he wasn't truly into you.

Do good things for yourself and learn to love yourself, as that is more important than someone else doing that. I know, easier said than done. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you , though. Hang in there. xo

My wife had an affair and asked me for a divorce so I thought about it and I said, "OK! I just want you to be happy!" Did I hurt inside? I was devastated, but I didn't let her know how bad I felt. It only took a few months to let go of the anger and resentment and accept things the way they are. When I did that, I felt a peace and a happiness, I never thought possible! About 6 months after the divorce,
my ex wanted me back but I had a taste of freedom and I kinda liked getting to know myself better so I respectfully declined. I am happier now then I have ever been.

God Bless!

You might be doing these things because you don't know yet how wrong they are, how these things are harmful for you. You have a feeling they're not ok but still do them and feels guilty and bad.

I can relate, I was in a relationship that wasn't all good and felt incredible insecurity and fear of abandonment. And we broke up after one year. It's been six months since that and I can't say I'm all over it, some days I feel sad, other days I don't even think about it.

I think something that has been helping me a lot is studying about this 'condition', whether from books (Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood is great!), movies and other members' stories on this forum. We do the things we do because we don't know any better, it's the way we're used to. So seeing ourselves from the outside, as we recognise ourselves on other people's behaviors, and reading success stories of people who have learned to love themselves better is medicine for me.

You're awesome for facing this struggle, keep going!

When my ex broke up with me, I was devastated, and I would not, for the life of me, stop contacting him.
We worked in the same building, and I would swing by his desk almost every day, even though he never initiated conversations with me, and I knew, on a rational level it bothered him. It did not change his mind, and I had to understand that I can't control people or their feelings.

Break ups are hard, but if you are codependent (and maybe you began to build your life around him) you now might feel just utterly destroyed.

Contacting him will not make him change his mind, if he wants to leave, you have got to let him leave.

You need to take care of you and maybe get into some therapy, and
learn to love yourself. You are going to find out how strong you are, and complete you really are, then people like him will be knocking on your door. He may come back, but trying to pull him back will alienate him more.

It's just my two cents.

You are worthwhile.

The Co-Dependent No More Workbook by Melody Beattie is helping me, it might be worth a look.

I am in a similar situation. It's been nearly two weeks since my boyfriend of 1 year told me to leave him alone and never contact him again. We had broken up for 3 weeks in April after I found dating apps and inappropriate pictures after snooping through his phone. Reconciled, and the broken trust drove me to levels of extreme paranoia and anxiety. We got into a fight that exploded because he was sick of being accused of cheating and my clinging and neediness. For days I texted and called and showed up at his apartment trying to fix it. It fell apart, and now I'm walking through life like a zombie, waiting til after class and work to dissolve into tears. I feel empty and dead inside.

I picked up Women Who Love Too Much. It's like looking into a very ugly mirror, but I'd recommend reading it. Therapy is helpful. I keep trying to tell myself that every day that passes is another day closer to feeling okay again, even if it feels like this pain will last forever, and I'll never move on. Please keep your head up and remember that you were a person who had a life before the relationship, and that your life will keep moving forward after this storm passes. You deserve to be loved by someone who won't just walk away and leave you in the cold. That person is out there.

I went and slept with an ex and it felt disgusting and I cried afterward. I knew it would before I did it. Don't sacrifice your self-respect like I did.

Sorry for the long post. I hope you feel better soon, just know there's someone out there going through it too. You aren't alone.

I may know, because I have been doing this in a relationship for a few years. I just now am trying to go completely no contact, my choice, but he initiated it because of a situation where I disappointed him. I am reading a book that seems to describe our situation. The Human Magnet Syndrome. It talks about "the Dance" between a Narcissistic person and codependent person. It beautiful in the beginning because we are drawn to each other and we fulfill each other's dreams wonderfully, But the Narcissistic partner does all the taking and "rewards" the partner with criticism and often abuse, after a time. The book is really helpful. It makes sense to me. I have said so many times, "I just want the man I had in the beginning." Now I know why it was that way and why it can't be like that any more. My goal now is to try to work on why I am codependent and how I can be more whole and care for myself.

What do YOU like? What is your passion, besides this man? If you can't answer that I completely know how you feel, neither can I, but I know I USED to know! Hugs to you, This is hard, and it's awful to try to survive each day. But we are worth it.

Oh, and if he is Narcissistic or similar, he WILL let you back in, but it's a trap, it will never be what YOU need or want in a relationship. It will be a cycle of spiraling down into less and less of what you need and more and more control and abuse. I'm living proof and it's the dance all of us codependents seem to be doing in our destructive relationships.

Ive done exactly what you have done. I couldnt stop myself from checking her facebook account knowing that it would only cause me pain and resentment towards her but i couldnt stop its like i was playing with the knife that was lodged in my chest. I am still going through this now...All i want to do is find another person to be with but i know im just gonna create another problem.