How is this not a codependent relationship? It kinda sounds like you think the kids are the codependent ones but I see this as you first as the parent and them liking being enabled or having entitlement thinking. They deserve your money because you have plenty. Issues with codependency with your children is about your own behaviors and thinking. Your kids are being enabled by you. You are codependent and they are either current or recovering addicts. You can not set rules for her behaviors but you can set rules for your own thinking and behaviors. In other words, you can't make her not demand or want to use your home as her "flop house". But the rules are for you: you say no, honey, I love you, but the flop house is closed. You stop giving her money even if she does chores for you. She's not ten years old! This is a game and she knows it, she does a chore or two and gets the money, you still enable.

And there are two issues here. Your daughter is an addict and addicts lie. Nature of the disease. Whether she is clean or sober is not the issue. The issue is learning about your own issues and how to grow out of this pattern. I highly recommend you go to a support group for people who love addicts or alcoholics. Al Anon Family Groups and Families Anonymous in the USA are two. There will be many parents in your shoes, believe me. One of my kids uses substances and did the entitlement and enabling dance for years. My husband still tends to enable him at times. My ex-husband is a substance abuser, definitely alcohol at this stage but my guess is he is still using illegal drugs or getting prescriptions. I had to learn that my behavior was about my needs and I could change myself to create a happier me. I could not change my addict, which is what you are trying to do with the rules about chores before giving money or rules for living in your house. The addict can't follow our rules, their addiction comes first. This is why it would help you tremendously to learn about the disease and how our behavior affects the health of the family. Our love tends to blur the lines of enabling and anger within us. As far as codependency in general, this book helped me see myself and find a new path. I like this version because it talks about codependency within the older and younger generations. As a parent, this information will help you. Not to blame yourself but to understand yourself and figure out how to improve your own life, whatever that means to you. The book is: The New Codependency by M. Beatty. Her older book is Codependent No More but it doesn't include the generational patterns that I think would be most helpful to you. It was to me. I also suggest you go on Al Anon Family Groups website and read their online pamphlets. Substitute the word alcoholic and use addict for your daughter. I wish you the best. Stay around here and respond to others. Helping others helps ourselves not feel so alone and gives us a lift for helping someone else. You may say you have nothing wise to give to another human on here, but that is not true. You can give support or relate or just say hello to them. It helps to know we are not alone. Best wishes to you. Its not a fun or peaceful life you have there with that daughter. We love them but we can't allow them to drag us down. A good parent does stop enabling and does set boundaries within ourselves. A good parent does create a happy life for themselves even if their kid is messed up or having issues in life. Do not let the unhappiness of our unhappy kid ruin our lives. Take care of yourself.

This is just a suggestion but you need to take care of YOU and nobody but YOU. Your daughtor is old enough to take care of herself.

You can clearly see what the addiction has done to your daughter but look at what her addiction has done to YOU, and also.....you really need to let go of all that guilt. You have done nothing wrong. In fact, you have done way more then most parents would have done for an addicted child!

It is time to do the the things you need to do to make yourself happy. Stop worrying about what others think of the choices you make...it's none of their business!

This is a good example of how addiction negatively affects the family. In fact, there are many treatment centers who treat the addicts family along with the addict. I remember attending an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Treatment) and every wednesday was family night where we sat around in a circle with family under the guidance of two very skilled councelors who got us to face the dysfunction we caused in our families. It was very difficult for me to do but at the same time, it was very healing. Looking back, I am glad I was forced to face my fears and see what I had done to my own family....It was a forgiving moment.

Alanon can also be very helpful and here is the link for that:

https://al-anon.org/

Yes, you came to the right group and we are happy to have you. You are welcomed back anytime!

I read this and it sounds like my own story except my son is not an addict, he's autistic. I've not had to bail him out of any legal situations. What I'veThe Stephanie Miller Show struggled with is being "Mom Responsible" for my adult child.

Right now you are raising, I'm sorry for the loss of your son, your grand child...that is a huge expense and responsibility on it's own. I do hope you are receiving SS benefits for the child. Being in a two bed room apartment, your x in a 3 br home...you might think he's selfish, but in reality he is Not Allowing His Daughter To Be Emotional Hostage as you are allowing by bailing her out.

If she wants to leave boyfriend, fine...you are not responsible for a roof over her head or food. My son is now almost 26, I've had him home after he got kicked out of where he lived..."""His Choices/Behaviors""". I recently went to my dr and she said "don't let him come back again"...I'm almost 69.

My heart goes out to you thinking about how stressful your life is right now and your own physical challenges. Please Please think long and hard about moving into a larger apartment, If you and your grandson are ok where you are stay, less expensive monthly.

I'd also, as stated above, go to AL anon or Narcan groups for support. You did the best you could raising her, she is Well Past 18!!! Well Past 21!!! It's time now to let her fall down so she can learn how to get back up again on her own...''''while you are here''''. You made a Good First Boundary with saying NO to her living in apartment...it's time to carry on with More No's until she chooses to find help for herself,..you can't do that. As long as she thinks you will bail her out, she won't even try.

When I finally arrived at the above knowledge, I knew my son would not change his behaviors if I kept taking him back....I'm all he has, no other family, so it's time He Learns Life Consequences.

Last week Tuesday my son moved from a Motel That He Paid For out of his social security...money he had because I wasn't charging him rent...Thanking God the place he'd been waiting to get supportive apartment came through and he's there now for 18 months.

Me, I'm a mess, trying to regain my mental and physical strength. I so hope as you move forward you'll choose to focus on Yourself First, Fill You Up, then your grandson. Your daughter has 'choices'...she can choose to get sober/straight or to continue the life of an addict.

A Huge Yes you are in the right place...please do come back any time as you journey through Your Healing Of Codependent Mom...I'm right there with you!!!

Thanks everyone for your input. It is all very sound advice and leads me in the direction I am trying to go. My grand and I have managed to make space for an extra person, my oldest son will be with us for a while. He broke his foot, so we have him here and are caring for him until he can return to work. It's always something needs our help. Daughter is of course selfishly aggravated that her brother is home, which completely knocks her out of running home for a couple of months.