When you say you're not too fond of the current place, does that mean you absolutely cannot stand it anymore? Or, if you had to manage, could you be happy with it? If you removed the misery he displays, would it be manageable?

Was he miserable before you moved into this current apartment?

A move should be a fresh start. Before you even consider the financials of it, consider would it really change the current mentality surrounding you? I've read both of your posts several times. Would you be able to speak to your partner if you moved into this new place? Or would he flip the switch and use it as another reason against you?

What if the environment around you isn't the issue, but just something that is easier to change than what the actual issue is?

I think that you should refocus back into yourself. You currently have a roof over your head. What needs to happen for you to feel blessed that way? And why do you have to be the one to swoop in and change his environment? What about what you need? Will what you need magically appear because you've moved again?

Thanks for the great reply! You had great questions that really helped me think of what was important.

When I say I’m not too fond of the place, it is a crappy cheap apartment with crappy secondhand furniture that I’m okay with. They were just supposed to be temporary and he could change them if he wanted to but he hates making decisions like that. I’m okay with it. I could live in a cardboard box and be okay. I’d love to live in a more luxurious place, sure, but really, if he wasn’t so miserable, I’d be okay here.

I’ve seen him miserable before this and not miserable. I know he can be not miserable. We went on a trip on the weekend and had a fantastic time at the hotel. He was talking to me and was happy. The new place is a lot like the hotel and I wanted that to continue and thought if it worked out, we would be able to talk to each other again.

But he’s not supportive of the idea and I don’t want to be only one going after it because I KNOW I will get the blame if it fails. There are no points for effort, just success, so I think I’ll take your advice and refocus on myself.

What do I need? To live in a place where I don’t feel like i’m Walking on eggshells. I guess that’s what I feel the new place will give me.

You picked a bad apt, and your partner gave you lots of grief about it.

There are a few red flags that I saw when reading your post. You said that you're not sure if he's punishing you...and when you want to talk about it, he doesn't want to.

We all make mistakes and bad choices. A partner can get upset about it, but nobody should be punishing you...or emotional detaching or withholding in order to punish you. This is emotional abuse. If this is a pattern of his, that I suspect may be...that's why you're walking on eggshells.

I don't think the problem is this crappy apt. No building makes us walk around in eggshells, the people in it do.

The other red flag...is that the simple questions you are asking, decisions to be made...are not too much to be discussed and answered by a partner. It seems like you have a hard time communicating with him, bc you often get the silent treatment or he detaches.

The other red flag is that you think by getting this newer and better apt, you could make it all better...thereby get his approval and he would treat you better...no more eggshells.

I think you need to ask yourself some questions like:

1) Does my partner tend to move the goal post on me? Meaning when I do something he wants, he finds something else to be unhappy?

2) Do I find myself walking on eggshells about other things with my partner aside from the apt situation?

3) Does my partner give me the silent treatment or withdraws from me to gain control of the situation when I'm trying to have a normal conversation?

4) Am I left trying to figure out what he's thinking all the time, b/c he refuses to answer my simple questions and make decisions as a couple?

5) Am I getting crumbs of kindness?

Emotionally abusive people don't abuse us constantly. There will be great times. Like times during vacationing.

My ex was awesome on vacation...but I have to remember it was also b/c I did all the planning and we were doing fun stuff...so of course he was happy.

But you have to look at the good and bad. Walking on eggshells is a serious warning in relationships.

That's a key indicator that you've been emotionally abused...to have self doubt, feel not good enough, feel like you're not doing enough.

It's not your job to make this man happy all the time. It's his job to be your partner, and help you make decisions, support you, and appreciate you. He's not a 4 year old child you have to appease...and if you feel that way, that's also a serious issue.

I know...I've been there. You seem like a perfectionist...and you will do everything you can, work harder to make those around you happy...but stop and think...is this person working just as hard as me? Or is it just me who cares this much?

Sending you light and love.

Thank-you Lavender80. I really appreciate your response. It gave me a lot to think about. To answer your questions:

1. He doesn’t really move goalposts. It’s more he expects things to be done right the first time and if it’s not, he’s resistant to fix things. I’ve gotten things right in the past before and they were fine. When I don’t, then yikes.

2. Unfortunately yes. And it’s becoming unbearable now in a way it wasn’t before.

3. The funny thing is he has improved greatly in this regard. He used to always give the silent treatment when I screwed up or yell and slam things, but he doesn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t very often because I didn’t screw up as much, but it SUCKED. I much prefer his detachment today, but sadly there’s been less “good” times.

4. Absolutely. It wasn’t this bad. We used to be able to talk and make decisions together, but he wasn’t this consistently unhappy before. His ability to talk apparently depends on how happy he is, which makes me feel stuck because I feel like I can’t make decisions until he’s happy.

I think we both feel stuck and trapped. I’m willing to get unstuck but feel like he isn’t. I will admit I do overreact when he’s unhappy so it could be that he doesn’t hate the apartment as much as he used to, and I’m over sensitive and blowing things out of proportion. My codependency is causing issues. I do know that.

I’m going to do what urbangardener suggested and write down how I feel and wait until a relaxed time to bring it up with him. If he still doesn’t respond well, then yeah, the issue is him and I will have to make a big decision.

If you don’t mind, could you tell me how you broke up with your ex? I have no idea how to break this off if it comes down to that.

You wrote this:

3. The funny thing is he has improved greatly in this regard. He used to always give the silent treatment when I screwed up or yell and slam things, but he doesn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t very often because I didn’t screw up as much, but it SUCKED. I much prefer his detachment today, but sadly there’s been less “good” times.

When I was in my abusive relationship, I did not know that I was codependent. But I knew that I was very good at pleasing people, and reading in between the lines.

They don't have to physically hit us into submission. Most emotional abusers will psychologically and emotionally condition us into submission.

Meaning, I will show her that when she does something I don't like...I'll give her the silent treatment. So we become conditioned. We don't want to be iced out again.

So...every action of ours in regards to them is being obsessively thought over by us...to make sure what we are doing is not going to upset them or displease them.

You haven't been punished lately b/c you've already been conditioned to consider all his likes/dislikes in all of your interactions with him. Hence walking on eggshells.

You were doing all the work for the peace in your relationship, it wasn't bc he was in a better mood.

I will give you an example. I remember trying to decide what to cook for dinner. I wanted something like hamburgers for dinner. But at the same time I knew that he would be mad if I cooked them inside the house b/c it would smoke up the home, then I wasn't sure if he thought it was too fattening b/c he was trying to lose weight, then I would think what if I accidentally cooked it too well down, he likes it rare?

I ran a hundred of these...how to please this unpleasable man questions with every action I took within our time together. I forgot my own needs, and what I wanted! From a strong independent woman before I met him...I became a doormat. It happens to the best of us.

It wasn't like this the entire time. There was a great beginning...and the criticism just slowly started and increased. From being praised for everything into being questioned for everything.

He discarded me for another women eventually b/c the demands of walking on eggshells ended up making me a shell of a person.

It wasn't until a year later in therapy I found out i was codependent, and I had to take a cold hard look at what being in the relationship did to me and my self esteem.

I just read your previous post. You seem like a very intelligent woman...who knows EXACTLY how she feels...but you don't TRUST how you feel.

You clearly see the issues, but you are just so tired of the tension/stress and you need some alleviation in the form of his happiness or approval.

That is very short lived and not really fulfilling deeply is it?

As a previous poster says, you have to redirect that energy to yourself. Remember and honor your needs, thoughts, and wants. It's not an overnight process especially if we weren't raised that way.

Like I said earlier...you seem like a very bright woman, probably an excellent problem solver, communicator, listener, nurturing, and kind. You have all the resources and abilities to turn things around. It will just take some time, therapy, and new habits.

Sending you light and love! Happy Friday! :)

I suggest you stick it out in this current apartment until time for the lease to be up. Don't try to fix everything all the time or assume this move will fix the problems. May I be honest, and say you sound frantic and that is not a good thing in my book. One mistake, another mistake, so sit tight and use your wise mind not the emotional mind. Make partner do half the work and make him help you choose the next apartment. Start planning now but wait until you will be free of this current lease. Yes, you make it sound like a dump but this is place #2 that has not pleased the partner or made him happy. What if you don't find someone to sublease or what if they don't pay the rent and you are on the hook for two rental payments every month. Take it slower, moving will not solve the problems in the relationship. I suspect your anxiety is through the roof in current place because of the entire situation and always trying to please someone who is un-pleaseable.

A person can choose to be happy no matter where they live. I suspect the next apartment will be the third strike of partner not liking where he lives because he has issues. How about trying the choosing to be happy where ever you live and with whomever you live with? Get off the emotional roller coaster and take a deep breath.

Thank-you Urbangardener. You’re right I am frantic, possibly desperate and I know making decisions when one is desperate is a bad idea. I do need to get off the emotional rollercoaster and take a deep breath.

Being relaxed and calm has always been an issue with me but I think I’ll make that my top priority. I won’t make us move unless he’s willing to work on moving with me. I’ll concentrate on learning how to calm and relax myself instead. Tall order as I’m normally stung high and tight by nature!

But I do want to take your advice about talking to him later when things are relaxed so I’d like to be able to be calm and relaxed for that.

At least I have some priorities and goals to work towards : learn to calm down and relax.

Then I’m hopefully in a better mind frame to know what I want (other than pleasing him.)

To Lavender80, since this forum doesn’t do direct replies:

I really appreciate what you wrote and boy can I ever relate to you making dinner and running hundreds of “how to please... but then this!... but then that!..,” type of thinking. It is exhaustingly.

You’re right - I have a lot of trouble trusting myself. I think my goals instead of trying to make others happy will be learn to trust myself and be relax and breathe.

Sorry to hear that he discarded you, though it sounds it helped you dodge bullet. Imagine staying in that relationship. I hope you’re in a healthier, happier place. His lost - you seem like a caring, warm, highly intelligent person too.

I wish you too light and love and a wonderful weekend!

I admire your honesty and willingness to make changes within yourself. Your ability to recognize your own behaviors or thinking styles is also admirable. Being willing to think about things and then communicate with love to your partner is very positive in my book. Many of us here have done the frantic, people pleasing stuff. I am recovering from being a people pleaser and working on what I call loving myself first. It is a big change from formerly needing to change everyone else or be liked and approved of. My partner often goes into negative, unhappy with things thinking, and blaming of others, and my goal now is to recognize this is about his internal "stuff" and ways of thinking. And to control myself to not jump into people pleasing or fixing others mode. It is a journey but you are already walking the path and I wish you well.

Aw urbangardener you helped so much. Right after reading the post about getting off the emotional rollercoaster, I listened to music *I* wanted to listen to and went out to see the waning moon and just did stuff that made me feel calm and peaceful. It made such a difference! I still get anxiety and I still try to “mind read” and worry that people are unhappy, but I’m not panicked and it seems to be making people around me feel better. Even my partner seems happier today when I told him I plan to knit again and I did bring something up with him that I wanted to talk about for a while.

Your partner sounds similar to mine - negative and critical - so I applaud you for realizing it’s his internal stuff and to not jump in and fix things. It’s not easy! I know I want to control things so i don’t have to worry about unhappy people. It’s hard letting go of that control but I know it’ll be better for everyone involved.

I wish you well on your path as well, and thank you again for how much you’ve helped me on mine.

How long have you been together overall, and how long have you lived together?

I don't think a new apartment is the solution. This guy sounds very passive aggressive and fault-finding. He will find fault with the next apartment, and throw all the blame on you, because he wasn't there in the first place to give his input. I would ride out this lease if possible. If you're not happy at that time, go get your own place.

Thanks for your input, 11Christmases. Ride out this current apartment seems to be the popular opinion. I’ll stay here for the time being and not stress myself out trying to find another place. Things are better now and he’s been okay staying here for last couple of days *knock on wood*. The main challenge now is to not freak out again when he’s unhappy about something. I know it will happen. Let’s hope I can be calm and non-anxious when it happens.