Oh, and she also complains a lot to make others feel pity for her. It's so pathetic.
She asked me what to do and I told her to see a therapist but she only believes in Ayurveda, Reiki and other bullshit. I told her that's useless but she can't see that she's already tried many different things and none worked.

Yikes...do you live with her? Can you avoid phone calls until you are ready to handle them? Can you tell her that you refuse to talk to her until she gets some professional help?

You sound like you really "hate" her right now. Have you always felt this way? Or are you hanging around for guilt because she has "changed" and you still hang on to the times when she was ok?

Sounds like you do need to separate from her before you explode on her and potentially get yourself into trouble.

Yeah, I could avoid her, but here's the problem, like you said. Guilt.
I've been working on it with a therapist so I think it will get better sooner or later. I really hope so.
I don't live with her, thanks God! I couldn't bear that.
She hasn't changed. I'm changing. That's why know that I hate her. I always hated her but I didn't used to know.
Trouble... yeah, I think I'm making the trouble myself. I just want to get over this and not get upset when she talks rubbish. I think I'll need to tell her to leave me alone but I first need to make up courage to face my guilt.
Or whatever.

My understanding of recovery then you can hate what your Mom did or does, but do not hate her.

Hate the sin, but not the sinner.

She believes in Ayurveda and Reiki - well that is okay, and is is not nice of you to call it as BS or to view her as an idiot.

She annoys you - so your task is to stop your self from being annoyed.

If is not up to her to stop in order for you to feel better.

Next time she complains and complains - then you smile and say yes Mom I know that - and then just let her complain again as always.

I use to have an elderly Aunt (she died long ago) and I really did love my aunt but she would often get racist and political arrogant and religiously pompous, so I knew from early on that I must NEVER EVER get into any argument with her and so I never did, and she became the closest person to me in my entire family. She would read magazines as like the "National Enquirer" and she believed everything it ever said, as like she believed that aliens were coming to earth in flying saucers and that science had discovered HELL being on another planet, so my thought was that if those horrible magazines can preach such things and get away with it - then why would I criticize my dear old aunt for being fooled and for believing those stories?

What has happened is that you are growing up and maturing, while your Mom is deteriorating and slowly passing away.

I think you should tell her to leave you alone for a little bit...tell her you are going thru issues of your own. You don't need to tell her you hate her.....

Once you separate from her...I think the guilt will subside quickly...especially if you are seeing a therapist. I know like I said..my therapist supported my son disconnecting from ME because it was what he NEEDED to do for HIM.

I was a little taken back by that....but then again I was proud that my son could love himself enough to want to be healthy.

It hurt me...but I also had to realize that I have severe issues that are not fair to put in his brain. Now he has taken some time and has come back to me and I am totally respectful of him and try to protect him from my madness.

I have always had a very toxic relationship with my Mother and there came a point that I was struggling like you...the guilt is hard...and I never was able to separate...instead I just let myself be abused continuously...the type of abuse...not physical...but typical...I just HATED her at times....Me staying in a relationship with her has really caused me further problems.

So I hope you can find the strength to separate for a little while....and maybe it will end up being forever....and maybe not...but right now it sounds like you need it.

Thanks for the response, Guys.
I had a very good session with my therapist yesterday and I think what I need to do is to tell my mother to grow up or leave me alone.
I can't put up with her BS any more.
The problem is, Booky, that she's not aging and deteriorating, but she hasn't actually grown up.
I will have to tell her what I feel, even it will hurt her, because it's poisoning me.

Maybe she has a personality disorder and can't...

Do whatever you need to do to feel calm and normal.

Hugs

Being hateful will never make you content or comfortable or satisfied.

But it will make you feel happy, because hateful people really do have great joy in their actions.

To have love then we must consider the feelings of others, and then we must do what is right to do, and love is not always happy as it often hurts, and love demands sacrifice from us.

I agree with your therapist. I have a crazy mother too. Years ago I disconnected with her because she was driving me nuts. She put so much pressure on me that I almost lost my mind. I threw all the dishes from my china cabinet.

I connected with her again a couple of years ago and she hasn't changed and I realized that life is too short for me to continue to listen to her rants so I disconnected again.

Please take care of yourself. And please remember just because you choose to disconnect doesn't mean it is forever. You may want to connect with her again. You never know.

Glad the therapy went well...glad your therapist is aiding you with decisions....that's always a big help.

Be strong...do what you have to do...and the rest will fall into place.
What did therapist say about the guilt?

There is no reason to stick with anyone who abuses you! Period.
Using you to make herself happy is codependent and abusive. Adults are meant to care for themselves. Senior adults are meant to PLAN AHEAD to care for themselves. Too many plan on dumping their problems onto their children by refusing to plan ahead for themselves.

It sounds like she needs some therapy. She quite possibly has some narcissistic personality tendencies. Complaining to others to gain pity is very selfish. I can really understand why you feel hate when you think of her. Such behaviors engender pity in others and put you in the difficult position of being the only one who sees the reality. Then they think badly of you which adds to your pain because no one around you understands. That much loneliness is soul destroying.

Therapy is good. Also look up Personality disorders. See if any of them fit. Having a place to go to read for understanding will tell you more about IF she can change if she attends some therapy. Ayurveda, Reiki might have helped her if she was willing to do them properly. If you dont see the changes, chances are that she does not apply it to her life.

Guilt needs to be dealt with thru positive affirmations (In my humble opinion). Things like I am beneath no one and superior to no one AND I am independent of the good and bad opinions of others are two good ones to deal with guilt.

Have you tried forgiving her? While she continues to behave this way, you still get to avoid her. You still get to stay away from her foolish pity needs. You dont have to fulfill her needs at all. Forgiveness is a change in yourself NOT outside yourself. It releases the feelings of hate and needing revenge within you! Many people have it confused in that you have to forget in order to truly forgive. This is total lie! The two are totally different and unique. Humans are meant to remember when someone is abusive. This allows us to survive by protecting ourselves the next time.

You dont need to tell her to leave you alone unless you also accept that she has some right to invade your life. Adults who are troubled by other adults simply reduce or eliminate contact with others who violate their boundaries.

Sounds like you are on a good starting path.

Thanks for the help, everyone. What has worked for me with guilt so far was to just get on with it. To feel the guilt/pain and do it anyway.
That's what my therapist suggested and there is also a book with this title and it works for me. I just need to make up my courage to do the right thing.

I've tried affirmations and I did them for a long time but they didn't help. What helped, again, was action. To get up and do it and the rest will work out somehow. Whatever happens, I'll be okay.

I've read tones of books, so I know all the theories and personality disorders. etc. Yes, she's a narcissist and a professional guilt tripper manipulator.

My therapist and I have also worked out that my mother is a big child. She even acts and speaks like a child sometimes. And she needs me to take care of her, emotionally. This is what frustrates me so much, so I just need to tell her to grow up or leave me alone, I think. That's what I'm going to do.

Well...do that nicely right? Hopefully your therapist helped you word how to say it to her...so you can "escape" with the lesser amount of guilt...get the point across...and then maybe your Mom will "grow" from it.

Let us know how it goes (if you want) :)

Narcs can't deal with the "either this or that" scenario, so be prepared. She'll berate you for even having the audacity to stand up for yourself.

Narcs cannot be reasoned with.

Just do what you need to do. Guilt is the false sense that you could be doing more, but chose not to.

Trust me; if she's a narc, you are fighting a losing battle. Just walk away to protect yourself.

Hugs.

Hey there,

First off I want to say I am so sorry you are having these feelings about your mom. There must be nothing worse than having such anger and disdain for a parent. I have been there historically, but the anger that is coming thru on your post is very evident and powerful so I am sorry that you are going thru this.

However, I do want to understand how you fit into this picture a bit more. Sounds like you have all guns firing at her about what she is doing wrong and how terrible she is.....but I am wondering where this falls into the scope of you being co-dependent and who you are with relation to these issues. Also what behaviors you are exhibiting that are negative towards yourself or her which are causing you the problems for yourself. To say that your mom is the sole cause and reason for your problems, you might find that as soon as she is out of your life and the picture.....there YOU are....and those feeling still exist. Or maybe you have given her too much power over your emotions.....just some food for thought. As well, I have learned that anger is the protection emotion for the true ones which exist beneath the surface, that truly you may be hurt, sad, scared, etc. But that anger just allows us to feel in a power position. Another just two cents for you to consider.

Also, in my personal opinion, telling someone to grow up is a very subjective statement. She may have become and grown into the person she is happy to be, regardless of what anyone else tells her to. What does grown up mean to you? I guess all I am saying is, who are you to tell someone to grow up? I don't believe any of us are able to truly define and say its the rule of law what grown up means....and aren't we all imperfect and with flaws......I think a more productive statement would be "Mom, your behaviors and your narcissistic tendencies are starting to make me feel nothing but hate towards you...." etc. etc. etc. If you are trying to be the adult in the situation, the appropriate thing would be to take an onerous on your feelings related to her behavior, not creating an ultimatum....in a way it is almost reverse narcissism to tell her to grow up.

Lastly, I am all for alternative health methods vs. western medicine, as far as I am concerned, western medicine is B.S.....just recently reading an article about a doctor who misdiagnosed over 500 patients with cancer just so he could bilk them and insurance companies for money.....so I suppose we all have our opinions about health care in society....so those types of arguments, are subjective and not based on anything other than opinion.

Anyway, that is my share for you and I certainly hope you find what you are seeking thru this journey of detaching from your mom. There is no shame or guilt needed in making these decisions, it sounds like you need to for your own mental health.

Take care of you!