Hun,

Most times those people are over accomodating for something else missing in there lives OR they are trying to shove things down yours so they feel better. There is way too much judgement in today's world. I don't have panic attacks so I would never tell anyone else how to treat them. We get them here all the time, docotrs who are just trying to push some agenda or other. They are not really interested in you. I would have no life without my pain regiment which includes opoids and non opiods. People who make stupid judgements need our prayers that they are never in a place to be judged. They don't get it at all.

Thanks for understanding Harpie. She keeps talking about how she chooses not to take pain meds and that I need to just learn how to deal with the pain. :(

No one can tell anyone else what they should do to cope with anything including pain.

We are all different in many ways including the severity of our pain and our ability to tolerate it.

I'm a "tough cookie" when it comes to pain. I've been told this by many docs throughout my life. I had procedures done in the past and was told I'd need pain killers and I didn't take them. Now, I suffer from pain 24/7 and it is frequently severe.

In all my life I chose not to take pain meds, but now I would in a heartbeat if I could. If you can and it makes your life better, then do what is best for you.

I agree with Sis and Harpie. No one can imagine being in your shoes.

The exercise is great, having a positive buddy is great.

Negative talk is not needed, You may be able to tell her that you really enjoy the exercise companionship but you feel the meds are between you and your doctor. Maybe tell her you are happy that she is at a point where she does not need the meds. But for you that's a discussion for your doctor and you only.

Good luck. Too many people try to tell us what to do and they are clueless. Letting pain be out of control is not healthy, it will make you worse so you have to make that choice. Good luck. Pick some conversations to have before your walk so you can change the subject.

Hugs-RJ

I had 4 broken ribs and had to be dragged to the doctor after three days of breathing trouble before anyone noticed. I have had pneunomia, broken bones in my feet and a broken wrist, impinged nerves so bad I lost feeling...... The list goes on.
The problem was the rest of my body hurt so darn bad that those pains did not even register.

It was the broken ribs that convinced a doctor to consider opioids for me. It really is pretty dangerous to live in so much pain that you fail to notice broken bones. Broken ribs can puncture lungs and heart!

Eventually the body will just stop registering input when it is overwhelmed. That is not good. It is how people in pain die from heart attacks and strokes without seeking medical care.

I am also fed up with people claiming to have pain and just tough it out then telling me that I should do the same. They have no idea what I live. They don't care how bad my pain is. And they are boosting themselves by putting me down with comments like that.

Unsolicited advice is CONTROL! Perhaps you could polietly (or rudely depending on how you feel) suggest that you are so happy for her and when she gets a medical degree you'll consider if she is someone you want to seek for medical opinions. Until then if she wants to continue to be your friend, she should choose to keep her mouth shut instead of shoving that two by four into it.

Anyone who compares their pain to another does not get the differences in pains - levels - or human beings.
I met them all the time. People who think they get it. They are almost always comparing apples to oranges. If the relationship survives, they will eventaully listen to all that I have survived and get that blank stare on their face proving they can't even fathom living thru that much let alone continuting to live each day.

The next time she says that, perhaps you could tell her how you detest
discrimination. Then walk away or change the subject! Refuse to exlain what you mean. It will drive her nuts!
Aha but I have a nasty streak.

Wow! Good advice SunnyB, I was going to say almost exactly the same thing. I guess I'll have to change the words a little so I can still write something.

Before I say anything, for those who don't know, I have crippling back pain that keeps me from walking. .... Okay, so I've had many people over the years (some friends and others close family) tell me, "Yeah, I've got a bad back too. It hurts when I bend over and It's hard to work through the pain, but buck up! Just work through it. You gotta be a man. I mean, you have a wife and kids depending on you. Just do what you have to do! That's what I do with my pain." They usually say a variation of that. Once I had a friend tel me he had a seriouse back problem too, but when he did I remembered him telling me that he went and lifted weights every week. When he told me he had a really bad back problem too, I said, "But didn't you just say you go lift weights every week? If I tried to do that, I'd cry like alittle girl!" He said, "Yeah well, I just work through the pain. It's hard but it's just something I have to do to stay in shape." I though, "Seriously?" I realized he really had no idea what I was going through and he didn't have a "seriouse" back issue. He just had a sore back that hurts sometimes when he bends over or something. I can't tell you how many times I've been told by family and friends (mainly family though) to get off the meds. I've even been told that the pain meds are what's causing the pain! Pretty much every heartless thing a person can say to another who is going through something horrible, I've had said to me by somebody who loves me and is "a good person". For me, I just take it for what it is, ignorance. Sometimes it's more than ignorance. Sometimes it's ignorance mixed with several charactor flaws on their part, but for the main part it's boils down to ignorance. I've gotten pretty good at shaking off the negativity and holding on to the possitive things, but the more you love the person the more you care about what they say, so the harder it is to just discount what they're saying to you. It can be extremely hurtful when you love the person it's coming from dearly.

You know what... she has NO RIGHT to say that to you, expecting that HER pain is the same as YOUR pain.

We are all different and our pain is different, regardless of what causes it. I am considered "severely disabled" with "severe" spinal issues. I do take pain medication and, most of the time--I run about a 5 or 6 on the pain scale.

I have a friend who has a "mild" spinal issue and she screams herself silly saying she is a 9 or 10 on the pain scale daily.

I am sure that she is just trying to be encouraging to you but, I say, BE HONEST with her and share your feelings.

If she is your true friend, she will not take it personally. Hopefully, she has an open mind and not just an open mouth.

HUGS to you

She does sound like a good friend and if you value the friendship (sounds like you do) its worth trying to explain... ( yes this is a very, very, common attitude ( sigh) and so is the ignorant speech that follows...) *eye roll*

She may want to know ... people are far too different to compare who has "MORE pain" or "WORSE pain." Its a ridiculous concept and I just don't get why this is so hard to understand for some people-- even docs -- scary! When no two bodies are the same - there can be NO comparison. There are way too many variables. Its been proven that when it comes to pain receptors in the body ... no two people are alike!

You can tell your friend that its a fact that the both of you are completely different.... apples to oranges as they say.... and because of that, you NEED the pain medication that you take... AND ... she can be thankful that she is able to go without because ( simply put) she doesn't NEED it. :)

Take care and I hope it works out with your friend.

tell her how you feel hugs minnie

Shlay,

That sucks. I hate it when people make me feel like I should be sucking it up better. I have a couple of friends who have had cysts like mine with no pain at all, and they are always saying "Mine was bigger than yours and it didn't hurt at all, I wonder why yours is so painful?" Like I am a big drama queen faker.

Anyhoo... (personal mini-rant aside)

I would tell her how she is making you feel. You don't have to do so in a hurtful way, but you could tell her that you value her friendship and support, and her sharing her experiences with you, but when she says things like that you feel as though she is discounting your experience, and you are hurt by this.

It may be that this is how she is trying to connect and she just doesn't realize how this is making you feel. I know one of my above mentioned friends is just really unaware of how her comments effect me. She is not particularly sensitive or tactful and never has been. I could probably save myself a ton of frustration if I took my own advice.

Sending you love, and apologies for the garbled nature of my comment. (Pain meds = lack of clear writing.)

Hi Shlay,
I think your friend just doesn't know how to help you so she preaches to you. If your friendship is strong enough, it should be able to withstand a frank talk with her about her rants.

I think everyone has someone in their life that believes you would be better off without meds. They have no idea what we go through just making it through the day. My brother was always like that- he never believed that my pain was bad enough to warrant medications. He is so wrong. And so is your friend.

I think you should talk to your friend and let her know how you feel when she gives her speeches to you. Otherwise, she'll continue to do it and make you feel bad.

(((Hugs)))
Sandy

shlay, i think there's always someone like that in our lives...i've had 2 in particular - one was described in a post about narcicists..she claims going to the gym is all i need to do. my mother acts like i'm a slug.

when i was working i walked around with walking pneumonia until i was in the ER, a kidney infection i overlooked so long i had to go inpatient for a week...this knocked me over and i don't like having to think about meds and all the other things that go with CP.

it's hard not to let those people get to us...

no one can evaluate, discriminate or criticize your medical conditions and needs unless you're paying them.

i'd be unable to continue on with that situation with a friend but, in the interest of saving the valuable parts of the situation i believe that you must regard this person as unavailable to talk to about certain subject matter.

you do not have to tell anyone what medications you take to be a good friend to them and if you really like and enjoy other parts of this friendship i think that your best bet is going to be biting the f... out of your tongue about your treatments and what you and your physician have decided is in your best interest.

that said, anyone so critical and controlling about your health must be compensating for something that they feel out of control about in their own. there isn't any reason for a "friend" to compete with your doctor about how you are being treated or how you are faring unless their motive is concern and you are in a poor practice. again, how she develops those decisions is suspect to me unless she is going to the doctor with you. i just don't believe that anyone, by basis of medication administration is better or more well than anyone else. if you are experiencing terrible side effects... ok. then yeah.. i'd be like, hey bud... are you sure this certain dope is good for you...?

telling you how she goes without is not a motivational speech but, more of a control speech. a caring friend would tell you if you seemed whacked out, sick or terribly different, but would not judge you based on your decision to seek help for the very real ailments that you have.

(lemme guess... this is a really good christian we're talking about here.)

that's still not an excuse.


with care,
jen

HI Shlay

Boy oh boy, sounds like everyone has had someone in their life like that, and felt the same way as you. She certainly is talking down to you and it could very well be out of naivaty The only way you are going to know if she is a good friend is if you speak up and tell HER like it is. Real pain doesn't go away with fairy dust, tea leaves, and well wishes.

This is not a contest and I would not for the life of me every assume to presume who here has it worse, nor what they would personally do, and neither would a friend.

Take the risk and tell her exactly how your pain is. When she talks over, tell her she has to listen because her not listening is hurting your feelings. When it is all said and done, see where the chips will fall.

She will either rise to the occassion, or drop off.

I've had my share of people like that too. For the most part I don't associate much with anybody anymore so its not a big problem for me. A very good friend of mine has terrible back and leg pain and works through it without meds... not because she wants to but because she can't afford meds, has no insurance and refuses to go on disability though her doctors are practically insisting. She understands me. Another 'best' friend tells me her husband had multiple disc herniations and was 'healed' by God through prayer.... her message to me basically that my faith is not strong enough - phoooeey!

If your friendship is close enough that you can talk openly to her I would do that, as others have suggested. If it is not then it might be best to just walk away. I hope you are able to work it out one way or another. We don't need anyone making us feel inadequate and weak for taking meds when alot of us couldn't even get out of bed in the morning if we didn't take something. Big gentle hugs,
ssLisa