I am on the other end of the spectrum I guess. My sex drive has always been high and even though I was in pain I still wanted that intimacy, but my stex wouldn't participate. He was/is able, just not willing...It's been over 2 years and he's only been gone since April. I changed meds whenever I got on something that affected my libido. I guess it's a mind thing for me - I want it (TMI) and can't get it...

All I have to say is thank God ,literally for patient spouses. My husband, is great and he will just lay down and "finish things off", shall we say, wth or without my help.

hello my name is judy ,
i totally understand your no sex problem . im married for 20 years my sex life was amazing ! im talking in every way it was perfect . till about 4 years ago when i got sick im not so sure my husband understand s anymore no matter how many times i have apologized . i thijnk he has emotionally shut himself down . im not sure i know how to reconnect with him the times i do feel better. i do understand what it is you are going through

I don't know what to tell you, they pout, make you feel guilty, causing stress, causing more pain, more stress. Perhaps if he/she read this and realized it has nothing to do with your feelings for him, but pain in general. And, if he/she sees that most couples living with chronic pain live with this same problem.

I didn't want to broach this when I responded earlier as I was unsure if it would sound like a defense for his reaction. I don't agree with how he reacted and he should just realize when it is a better time for you. And I think we all have figured or done the spousely duty thing but at times it is just too much. I agree with some of the earlier responses and a talk might help him understand better what you are going through, what times are more appropriate and maybe a compromise in a position that might also make it easier on you. I don't mean for that to sound vulgar, just honest. Take care

Here its straight forward with my hubby and me!! If either one of us have a need we talk and plan a time!! that way iam sure my pain meds are working and we both are responible!! I know it doesnt work for everyone but it does for us!!

I dont have much of a sex drive, maybe pills or pain not sure, but my hubby gets mad sure, and he tries to make me feel guilty which i dont and then he gets more mad, he says at times i am the ice princess.

i just dont feel like it and i dont want to make excuses and when he asked me every day it sort of pisses me off. i try and change the subject and he will say did you hear me and i will say yes i heard you and walk away.

if he doesnt love me for what and how i am that is his problem, i understand urges but shit cant he deal with it by himself, you know what i mean

hang in there, friend

This is a rough subject. I had my first surgery 2 weeks after we were married, 36 yrs ago. Talk about having a patient husband!!!! Of course, for me there are other issues too. Talk to your doctor or a physical therapist. They all do not want your life to be tis way. They have pamphlets or books on ways with a bad back. sometimes pillows work. If you emotionally are there, you are ahead of some. I hope your doctors can help you. As far as your husband, most of them just cannot understand. Give him time, it should pass. Next time, take your meds and you make the move and tell him then that you are sorry and love him. He will be in a better frame of mind to receive it.

Good subject. Sorry you have had to be treated this way, I have been there myself. Once he got done pouting, I just asked him wouldn't he want me to enjoy it, too? The back rub thing works real well. It relaxes me more for the experience, and now he knows what time it is when I ask. If I haven't asked for a while, he asks me if I want a back rub. It has taken some time to get to this point, and hopefully your hubby will get over the pouting and all will be well.

I wait until I'm not hurting then I get laid...it releases all these endorphins so I don't feel pain for a good 24-48 hours, which makes it worth while.

LOL manny...thats it in a nut shell *no pun intended.

You know they say sex is the best medicine for sex, because it releases endorphins, and it does actually work, if you have a empathetic partner who is gentle when you are in alot of pain. Just what I know from experience.

sorry i mistyped that comment, sex is the best medicine for pain because you release endorphins.

Don't know if this will help... when my hubbie had pnemunia I constantly nagged him for it. He kept complaining that I could not possibly care about him if I did not realize how he felt too sick. I just pointed out that this is what he does to me all the time.

It only lasted about a year. But at least it was a year where we actually got closer.

He has only been sick three times in our 30 years together so I don't have high hopes of having this "turn the table" event happen again anytime soon. But occasionallly he remembers and appologizes.

This is a fantastic topic and one that needs to be addressed more often.

There are times when my pain level is at a level where I cannot participate in sexual intercourse with my husband.

It took me a while to find my way through all of this because when I would experience a flare, I would stay in that mindset for a long time even when the pain had let up, which not only affected our intimacy level and relationship but I danced with depression many, many times. It's so easy to slide down the darkened tunnel.

I've had more diagnosis' tacked on since but NOW I handle things much, much differently.

If I cannot engage in sexual intercourse, I 'play' with my husband and we do different things that keep our intimacy alive.

I work hard to get better and when my inner light comes back on, I pounce on it with everything I am. I've become a 'lifer' due to a fine example (I talk about her in my journal) and it has changed my attitude and ideas about being a person who lives with a difficult health situation.

It's just sex, after all, and should be approached with creativity, a light heart and, at times, a sense of humor.

I'll say this...orgasms give me a moment of pure bliss and for that moment I am not someone in pain or someone who has a heart condition or someone who has esophagus/stomach problems or back problems or RA. In that moment, I am a woman who is FREE of this human condition and everything...for a moment...is wonderful.

It's so weird. Two people...both have the same chronic pain problems. One takes her oxycontin cocktail and gets ready for a morning jog...the other closes her blinds and hides away from the world. I was the latter for much too long. Not anymore.

Life is a choice no matter what cards we are dealt.

There may come a time when I am bedridden and in pain 24/7 but until that time, I choose this glorious, crazy, beautiful, messy thing called LIFE.