Chronic Pain Support Group

Physicians and professionalsdefine pain as chronic if it lasts longer than three to six months and is persistent. It's distinct from acute pain that is a direct result of injury or trauma. This support group is dedicated to those suffering from chronic pain. Discuss treatments that have worked for you, find advice for your specific experience, and find support. You're not...

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Brain & Nervous System
/ Chronic Pain Support Group

Feeling SO Guilty!!!

Willow215
Willow215
Hi Everyone. I'm just venting I guess, but I'm feeling SO guilty b/c I'm the sole caregiver for my mom and s-dad and I just can't keep up with helping them anymore! My pain is just so bad and I've become so depressed b/c of the pain and b/c of not being able to do the work they want me to do for them on a daily basis. My mom knows and see's the intense pain I'm in 24/7, but still there's a huge list of things I'm expected to do for them. Even doing the laundry seems like climbing Mt. Everest to me. It seems like there's always mounds of laundry to do, vacuuming to be done, errands to run, cleaning, taking care of multiple animals, coloring my mom's hair, keeping the kitchen clean, groceries, taking the dog to the groomer, etc... I feel so guilty when I just stay in bed most all day b/c the pain is so bad I just can't get things done that are expected of me. I live with them (after losing my home b/c of not being able to work b/c of the chronic pain), and I do pay them rent. So...I'm paying them to work for them. I'm an only child and have no help. They won't accept outside help...they don't think they need it. I'd love to get a place of my own, but have no money and things are so complicated that I couldn't get out if I were able to. Ex... my dog and cat. My 4 y.o. Pomeranian is totally dependant on me and has severe separation anxiety with me. He gets physically ill if I'm away from him for more than a few hours, yet my mom wouldn't let me take him with me if I did more. I can't have any friends come into the house b/c my mom doesn't like people and my s-dad is very sexually/verbally abusive to any friend I'd bring into their house. I've lost many friends b/c of his behavior. Having a very abusive childhood I know I have co-dependent issues, but have worked through them big time! I know that the work load and inability to relax and take care of myself is causing my pain to be much worse. I've already called the Office of Aging and had Meal's on Wheels for them, but my mom cancelled the Meal's on Wheel's b/c they didn't like the food and since they are of sound mind and it is their house, the Office of Aging told me they cannot help. I'm worn out physically and emotionally. I just needed to come here to vent and connect with friends who have chronic pain. Is anyone else out there in a similar position? I know it must be impossible for those who don't have CP to understand how much it takes your life away. Still.. I need help. Thanks for listening to me rant...
Kathy
Dixe4me
Dixe4me
Kathy I'm so so sorry for everything your having to go through. You are deff. overloaded. I don't have an answer for you. I wish I did.
I just want you to know your not being ignored. We are listening. We do care and we do understand. Sometimes it's just so hard to reply when there really isn't an answer.
Vent all you want. We will certainly be here to listen and support in any way we can. And we do care about you.
Hugs and much love,
Dixie
deleted_user
deleted_user
So sorry willow, omg, u must feel trapped. Like dixie said , just dont know what to say other than were here for u if u need to talk. Michellle
RJRelaxing
RJRelaxing
I am so sorry this is happening. Are you on disability? Can you get senior care help for your parents to give you a break. Maybe 3 or 4 days a week? Then you would be able to get out with your friends and not feel guilty. Parents always try to make you feel guilty when you stay at their home. Remember you are not their personal slave you are a person. I am sure they need and expect your help on chores but they are doing the overload thing and there you need to see if there is any assistance available for you. Maybe talk to a community social worker. Prayers are with you. Hang in there. -RJ
immarcie
immarcie
I'm ever so sorry you are going through this. Any chance you could get some type of respite care...even a couple afternoons a week?
Might you qualify for disabled housing? In my area there are specific places for disabled and as far as your dog and maybe even your cat....all you would need is a note from your dr. that they are therapy pets and you'd be allowed to keep them. Rent is based on income and some even include the utilities.
CP does rob us of a lot but in your case it sounds like it's beyond that.
I hope there is some way you can at the least get respite care for a few hrs.
It does sound very much like you need a break....

Everyone here cares....keep venting if that will help you, ok?

((((((((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))
honor435
honor435
Im sorry also for your pain, what do you take for pain? it sounds like it isnt working? "staying in bed all day becuase of pain", maybe if you get that under better control you will be able to help them some? But def they also need outside help, can they get a cleaner or pt nurse help?
deleted_user
deleted_user
i'm with Dixe...i read your post last night, but didnt know how to respond because you are trapped in a bad situation that looks very grim... everything you have tried is failing, and you have no where else to turn..i get that, and have been there several times myself.. all i do is remember that things do change, and situations do too.. something good is bound to happen in one area of your life, and you never know whats around the corner for you... keep coming back and venting, its about all you can do at this point.. {hugs} ~stinke~
heatherhurts
heatherhurts
My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you came here to vent. I've heard some good ideas from this thread already. You are way overloaded physically and emotionally. I pray for a postitive change.
serenityha
serenityha
willow, could you find some alternative housing for yourself. it sounds like your parents (step) are fighting every effort you make. why would anyone get out of bed if they had to climb Mt.Everest every day?

are they any outside groups of any kind - adult children of alcoholics, emotional abuse, etc to get some reality testing and grounding.

you sound so desperate from your posts. something has to be done before you break.

i hope you can find a SW or other professional to help you lay out the pieces to this messy situation and help you deal with it piece by piece.

hugs and hope!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Like the others I read your post last night too but don't know what to say. You are in a tough spot and the only way to change it is to get out of there. Can you find yourself housing for the disabled?
stranded
stranded
I don't know what you situation with money, if you have disability or what is going on in your life. I think both your parents are using you.I took care of my mom who CP from age 12 to 18. I should never had to do that. It seems that you are a people pleaser. I not trying to be mean. I used to be one badly. If you parents have health problem or are older it is possible that maybe they can have an aide come in and help out. I don't know how old your parents or step parents are but if they adequatley can't take care of themsleves without you in Ny state there are certain ways to get help at home for them. cooking, cleaning, and grooming. I think you need to think about thinking about moving out if only to a small apartmet. I live in a Senior/Disablilty Apartment complex and it doesn't realy mean how old you are. there will be alot older people around but you said you can't have your friends around so if you had your own place you could. I know you can't do this overnight, but their are programs out there. If they don't want to get them sometimes you are going to have to let your parents learn that you can't take care of them when you are in pain and taking care of them is causing you to be in so much pain. There comes a time where we give them the tool to use and we much leave the nest. I had parents who were codepent on me and me on them sometime so it is like your parents are our kids. I hope that helps you a bit. Now I also dont know all your circumstances so I am sorry if I said anything because I don't understand.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Darn. I am seriously dsylexic. I made it to sentence three and then could not follow.

I had to lay down the law with dad when he moved in. Somehow they think that YOUNGER = LESS PAIN MORE HEALTH.
I call that prejudice!
Arthritis knows no age bounds.

Hey, is it ageism too.

Wish I could tell you more.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry!! I wish I had answers or that you could just leave and they would be ok. It seems like a horrible situation and your s-dad is a horrible person. Tell them that you are not the maid and that if they want help to get it from somewhere else because you aren't able to give them all that they need. Big Hugs!!
Willow215
Willow215
Thank you all for your support! It means the world to me...Really it does! I'm doing less and less for them and the guilt is literally making me ill. I do what I can, but my pain won't allow me to keep up. I have told my mom that I can't keep up and that they need help. I've even suggested that they look into Independant or Assisted Living. They won't hear any of it. They're not demanding people. It's just expected that I do what I can to keep them in their house. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams...lol. The pain is getting worse, I'm exhausted and have become very depressed. There's not one person I can call on around me that would be willing to help. Thank you all SO much for letting me vent and for understanding.
Kathy
deleted_user
deleted_user
hi hun, the pain could be feeling worse because of the exhaustion and the depression... please try and get a handle on those 2 issues so that YOU can function better..i dont know if you mentioned being on anti-anxiety meds or anti depressants, but this is whats the most important in your situation, and you will feel stronger, and have a clearer mind to make decisions if you take care of yourself first... does this make sense??? i know you are unable to change your current situation, but at least you may feel better when doing it.., ~stinke~
livewithope
livewithope
Kathy take it from an old broad. You need to get your own place. there are helps out there. For parents....there are home health aids. Call the welfare dept. Ask any govt agency about help. They come in and do laundry etc. Re: you.... same for you. You need a life too. If you need govt assistance you too can get it. there's social security disability. takes forever but start soon and get done sooner. I can't do laundry either. Don't kill yourself trying. Reach out. Start calling agencies and ask questions. You need out of there in my opinion. Sounds toxic. But then there I go not minding my own business again. Somehow it is easier for outsiders to see what to do...not emotionally involved. I see support is helpful but you need more I'd say. I hope you can get linked and get a one room or one floor place of your own. Maybe assisted living even. Get on the phone and check it all out. I know there is help out there. Family of mine gets it. Hurry before politics change somehow and cuts begin. then people with benefits will keep them (maybe) but new people will be left out. Best of luck to you.