Not to be contrary, but I feel I am my best now. Not physically ( I used to be very active), but emotionally and spiritually. And I'm not sure I would have gotten there without this challenge. This is my experience only, and yes, I would love to wake up tomorrow and be healthy. I visualize becoming healthy, but who know what the result will be.

I've had to be my strongest while at my weakest. That has totally changed my opinion of myself and my self-esteem. To deal with what I have over the past decade (parent's dying, dealing with an abusive sibling, legal issues, etc.) while running on 20-30%, has been eye opening in terms of discovering my inner strength.

I have grieved the past. At times I still do. But I also celebrate the woman I have become.

I miss the old me that had energy.I could clean the house in a morning and spend the afternoon at the park with my kids.Playing with them ,not just sitting and watching.I had more self-confidence and wasnt so scared of what was wrong with me.my day didnt revolve around planning the one most important thing to do before I fell back to sleep.I lost a confident me.replaced by an anxious,fearful exhausted me.

Love Lynx's reply .. I think I am also evolving in a more graceful, peaceful, patient me. The me that I remember is so different...

The time I felt most like myself was in college. I held a full-time job and attended school full-time also. I was active in a youth group as newletter editor,social director, head-cook-and-bottlewasher. I was also active in church, mentoring, counselling and coordinating outreach ministries, even preaching. I toured the island in dramatic productions and still managed to graduate college with a 3.9 GPA.

I did not know then that the boundless energy was a symptom of bipolar disorder, I just knew that I was happiest when I had a hundred balls in the air and was good at everything I did. My adult life has been less hectic but I was always doing something..when I went for my second degree I ended up pursuing two masters degrees because I was bored with just one .. most of my working life I have held two jobs, and still have time to get intensely involved in hobbies like martial arts and dance, I was constantly exploring, trying something new each year.

Now I look back at that person with a gentle smile.. I can't be her anymore, but I'm learning to be a more mature, more grounded version of her.

I miss the patience I had when there was more energy to call on. I'm so short-tempered when I'm tired or feeling sick and I know it can get hard on my SO. I had more control over the emotions I felt, as opposed to now when they sometimes take control of me.

I also miss the self-control I used to have. I think I was more in charge of my impulses and motivation, and could get anything done that I decided to.

And of course, I miss being flexible enough to spend more time with my friends and the people I love.

I do know that I've become both more empathetic and more open-minded since getting sick, and I appreciate both of those things. I think I have a greater capacity to understand where others are coming from when they struggle.

I really miss my cooking. I like to cook and bake from scratch. I'm really good. It is rare that someone makes something that is better than what I make.

Now I eat frozen food most of the time for lack of energy. That can be a treat once in awhile....but all the time is another story.

If I were rich, I'd hire someone to do all the prep work.

Thanks MaxPB for your post,
I can appreciate what you have all
shared here. I don't feel so much that I've 'lost' myself. My
life has changed but I'm still 'me'.
Maybe not the me that hiked
12-15 miles easily on the weekends or could travel on planes
and go places, eat out at restaurants, go dancing , and not
think twice about being tired or 'sick' the next day. That wasn't
even on my radar. I was married, I worked, I was a single
mother. Maybe that was 'the best' me? Or just another
phase of my life. I know woman can go through identity
issues after divorce. I don't know how many of you have
ever been divorced? (another topic probably)
I know some people on here are.
That did stir up identity issues in me. But I had to look
deeper.
That was before I had any health issues. For which
I'm very grateful. I'm a bit older than some of the people
who post. So in addition to having chronic fatigue and
other challenges just aging brings on these kinds of
feelings.
What has always made me happiest is being
with good friends and family. Being in nature. Doing
art and other activities and groups which I appreciate.
Fortunately, I can still do these things. Maybe
not to the extent that I have in the past.
And I value all of these meaningful experiences.

I think we all miss our vitality!! We were mostly type-A personality, go-getters before we got sick. So the trip from very active to disabled is simply horrific to us!! We were never lazy or complacent to begin with, so to get stuck in bed, completely exhuasted and confused is devastating.

However, eight years into this illness, I find that I truely like myself! Yep! I have learned SO much about research, companionship, the true value of friends and family. I have gotten used to scaling way back on activities that I can now see were time consuming and kept me busy, but offered no quality to my life.

I do more for others now. I socialize less, but the people who I chose to socialize with are "true friends". I have weeded out some toxic people in my life and found true value in some people that I simply never recongized before.

I have grown spiritually! My church family has been supportive. My DS friends are supportive, my family is supportive. I know that not everyone has this support, so I realize that I am blessed.

I would say, that I have reached the point of acceptance of this illness, and I have learned to carry on with my life....with it's new limitations and yet still be grateful for all that I am able to do....and see.....and feel.

I'm ok. Thank you Lord for keeping the anger monster away from my soul!

Thanks all for your posts, its really inspiring to see how we each process this journey. Picking up on Darla's comment

"We were mostly type-A personality, go-getters before we got sick."

I have noted that this seems to be the case. Has anyone come across any research which may point to a correlation between ME/CFS and personality?

Darla, you give such great support and advise. You are one of the blessings of this site.

I miss all the things I did that made me happy - spending time with friends, eating out, going to church, driving out of town, being able to offer a helping hand to someone in need (like helping someone move, for instance). I miss LONG conversations with people I really enjoyed talking to, and traveling from time to time. I miss friends from work, family friends, friends from church. All of these things have nearly disappeared from my life. Former friends are too busy to visit me, and I can't muster the energy to visit them. My family is hostile and cold towards me, more and more each day, because they don't "get" what's going on with my health, even when I make my best effort to explain it to them. So I'm dealing with a lot of solitude and i'm not the kind of person who relishes being alone all day every day.

I have seen correlations between Type A personality and cfs, but I don't like it. It tends to be done in a blame kind of way. One person on their website actually said that one of the steps of dealing with cfs is to accept your personal part in coming down with it. As you can imagine this made me really mad.

The idea was that we wouldn't have this if we didn't do too much. I do not agree. However once we have it I do believe that doing too much makes it worse. Surely we have all experienced these crashes. Not that we can always predict what will cause them.

On to some good news! After posting in this thread I began cooking a little more. I decided if I miss it that much then I could put a little effort into it. I do a lot of looking through cookbooks and a little bit of cooking. Tomorrow I plan to make mashed potatoes with bacon in it from scratch. It will help use up some of the bacon from the food bank.

I also thought of how I was talking about something I miss doing, rather then who I used to be. So here is a more personal answer.

I miss that I used to smile more; I didn't used to notice the energy it takes to smile. Same with laughing and playing around. I notice this more when I do it...because then I realize how much more I used to. Begining in my preteens I worked very hard to not lose my temper very often, be more patient, etc. Cfs has taken an eraser to that effort. I have less control over these things than before.

There are other things I miss in my personality. However less than a year before cfs I was in an emotionally abusive relationship....and after doing somer reading to see if this was so I discovered I'm in one now as well. This may be a stronger factor then cfs. To be fair, it may even be a stronger factor then cfs for the above paragraph.

Just thinking about this thread helps me to be more like how I want to be. It doesn't magicly make me full of energy, but i've made more effort to hang out with a friend. I've also watched more comedy lately. And when my daughter wanted me to come watch a "chick flick" that I'd already seen, I came to watch it with her anyway. I would have done some of that anyway, but I think I did more of it because of thinking just a little different.