by the way I am at about 30-50% on the cfs scale I work part time and struggle with fatigue and pain that does limit my activities but am not house/bed bound.

My sons birthday is today and he is 31. However, I was really exhausted all the time from my pregnancy's and up . No one knew about CF/FM then and said it was in my head. So grateful times have changed .there is so much research about CF/FM today. Hoping you can find a very good pacing program that works for you.

Hi Luna

I am sort of in the same position as you. I am considering children but am really worried about caring for one with coping with this illness. I am almost 31yo and have had ME for almost 2yrs now. I work only a couple of hours per week. I find it hard sitting up for longer periods and am often lying on the couch. I then think to myself, 'I couldn't do this if I had a child to look after' . Having children is scary enough without having an illness that is so debilitating. I am hoping more people with children can give us both some advice.

I have had cfs since my youngest was 5. While I haven't had any kids since then, I have watched my 1 year old niece some since and hope I can help a little.

I'm guessing you both want to have kids but aren't sure if that's a good idea with cfs. Truly it depends. But here is my rundown parenting with cfs. I expand on it below.

Pregnancy - Not much different than other moms.
Newborns - All new moms are exhausted, you will blend right in. You will feel like you are more tired than everyone else...but you probably will feel the same as them.
Babies - Can you change a diaper every 2 hours? Then you can do this. Remember they sleep a lot.
Crawlers - No, you don't have to run after them.
Toddlers - Only have to run when they hurt themselves.
Preschoolers - You need to be able to get them meals and snacks. They are ok with you observing their activites.
School age - Getting them ready for school is really hard, homework can be hard on you too.
Teens - If you can't do something, they can. Of course a lot of teens will be completely unwilling....

If you can talk to your child and observe them play, you can probably do this. You will probably need extra help, but won't need to hire a nanny.

Children learn what they live. If you do lots of laying on the couch and talking to them while they play on the floor, they will grow up thinking that is fine fun. If you sit on the bench while they go down the slide, also just fine. If you start apologizing all the time for all the things they can't do it will occur to them that it isn't a good thing and be upset. So don't point it out.

Case in point. My mom's friend grew up very poor. As a result she didn't have a very good sense of what an average family has. At Christmas she would tell her kids she was so sorry she couldn't do more for them. Her kids would sometimes open their gifts and cry. We received less for Christmas than they did. They didn't seem very grateful for what they had. There were a few times of their kids got angry about what they got for Christmas, or were demanding about what to get them. I was pretty shocked. My brother and I didn't act that way. We had less and were thankful for it. The difference? "I'm so sorry that this is all I can get you." Act like it's a great Christmas, kids feel like it is.

Act like playing on the playground while mom sits on the bench is fun, it is. Say you're so sorry that you can't run around with them and kids throw fits about it. Emphasize the good stuff and it all goes better.

I once found on the internet a woman who is good at saving $. She has a website about it. I can't remember what it is called. I do remember that she had cfs and a whole section of her site where she talks about it. She had kids after cfs. She said that when she was pregnant it was the best she felt since she had cfs. There is no guarantee that others will have that experience, but it is encouraging that one person did.

Given that you have cfs, I would not recomend that you have kids if you have to work. The only exception I can see is that if you want a baby so bad that you want to anyway. But know that there is a strong possibility you will not be able to keep working.

If your pregnancy takes a lot out of you, it isn't so different from others. Healthy women sometimes have to go on bedrest. Chances are good that you won't have to go to that extreme - but if you do, you are not alone. Better yet, people get it. Even strangers will expect a pregnant woman to be more tired than usual. They may rush to open a door or get you a chair. You won't even have to mention cfs. People are so much more willing to help a pregnant woman. Just mention that pregnancy is harder than you thought and someone may ask if there is anything they can do.

Newborns can be similar as far as help. It's a mix. Some people rush in to help, others try to give you space. Many mothers get so much help they get irritated. Many get none at all and think no one loves them. And then this experience colors what they do when someone they know has a baby. So you could get tons of help or none. At a birthing class I took they recomended that we all enlist as much help as possible before the baby is born. In fact if somene says to let them know if the can help, to then whip out a chart and tell them the day of the week you do laundry and if you can sign them up.

Speaking of birthing... You may think because you have cfs the birthing process migt be too much from you and you should have a c section. Think again. I have 3 kids, and I have discussed this with many moms. For both (c-section or natural) the recovery was worse than the labor and delivery. Hardly ever did anyone say the opposite. C-section recovery is significantly longer and much more painful. You can't even drive afterward. The nurse has to push on your uterus from the outside with a fist to help the uterus contract - right over the incision. My sister in law cried and begged the nurse to stop. I did this too, but there was no incision and I was allowed to do it myself. It was not excessively painful.

There are more c-sections done world wide than a few decades ago, but the amount of live births (babies who lived) is nearly unchanged. This means that there are a lot of unecesary c-sections, some due to doctors. Might want to ask potential doctor how many c-sections they have done and how many natural. If the c-section number is higher, find another doctor.

I personaly do not buy "the baby was too big to fit so I had to have a c-section". I bet the doctor lied. I bet that is really rare. Why? I had an 11 lb 1 oz baby. Natural, no drugs not even tylenol, no episiotomy, no forceps, no suction, no creepy thing to pull the baby out, no doctor forcibly pulling my baby out. And here is the kicker - it didn't hurt as bad as my first who was 8 lb 11 oz. In fact I think I recovered faster. For persective, a healthy size for a baby is 5-7 lb. A larger baby is not unhealthy, just unusual.

You will be tired with that baby. But so is every mom. Here is the beautiful truth. You can change that diaper, then bring your baby to bed and nurse them while you fall back asleep. Put out your arm straight at a 90* angle and you won't roll over in your sleep. You can put something on the other side of your baby if you are worried. Sleeping when the baby sleeps is acceptable.

You will need help with housework or have a messy house.

The first 6 weeks you will need someone to cook for you, or have frozen dinners or takeout. With cfs you may need this longer. The first week it is almost impossible to get yourself food. If you're not too tired you're busy with the baby.

At first the baby sleeps 2 hours and wakes up round the clock. So yes, you are getting woken up a lot. But the baby is rarely awake even half an hour. You can sleep a lot. This changes, but it takes time. This helps you adjust.

Babies also adjust to your sleeping habits. Stay up late and your baby will want to. Wake up early, baby wants to too. If this changes for you, it will for baby too. If you work, baby wants to nurse more at night.

You may be worried about running after a kid. And how often, and can you do that, etc.

Even when a baby is mobile they can be surprisingly easy. Just get a baby gate for stairs, close all the doors, settle on the couch, then let them crawl or walk around the room and up and down the hall. No guilt allowed. They will be very eager to get down if you pick them up at this stage. You may miss your "lap baby". But it's fun to watch and they love the freedom - so the couch is not neglect, it's good parenting. Baby will come check on you frequently, it's cute.

And then there are preschoolers. There may be some emergency running. If you are really worn out, you may want to get a lock for the kitchen door. Also put up or lock up things that are dangerous or very messy. The idea is create a home they can wander around freely and you aren't freaking out because you need a nap and they don't. Many people think kids this age have to be watched every second. Not true. Though you may sometimes regret being in the other room when they make a huge mess. Especially when they help you clean it up and make it worse.

I'm trying to be very real so you can judge if you can handle this. But let me also say that preschoolers can be so much fun. They only make huge messes because they are learning stuff. From what will happen to will I get in trouble this time to this is plain fun. It's great to take them to a preschool. And if it's too hard to take them there, you're not a bad parent if you keep them home. Preschoolers can do a lot of independent play.

I had a friend who had a child the same age as mine. She was shocked that mine played on his own and hers wanted constant attention. My kids were 1 and 2. I gave this much thought.

As a single mom I had to work full time. But I wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom. I had almost no support. No one helped me out around the house, cooked me food, took the kids so I could have a break, it was all on me. When they were little I spent almost all my time with them. I did the majority of the housework when they slept...or left it undone. But if I had to use the bathroom, no one stepped in to hold or play with my babies and toddlers - no one else was there. If I had to make them food, same thing.

After careful observation of other parents I learned that my kids learned to play by themselves because they had to. Since I spent most of my time with them, it was not from lack of attention.

What this means for you is that if you are too tired to play with your kids all the time they will likely learn to play independently, and like it.

If you have an infant and rarely pick the baby up, that is a huge problem. The baby can't develop properly without that attention. If you can't lay the baby next to you on the bed, or put the baby in your lap, and must leave them in their crib for the majority of the time they are awake, don't have kids. Serious lifetime problems occur.

So, if you have a crawler or older and can change diapers and get them from crib to floor, give them lots of verbal attention and facial expressions, I think you are good. You will have to teach your baby to play with toys. But then they will become well adjusted because they have the freedom to play but can look up and see you there anytime they like. This spells, well adjusted kid. Yay you.

If you can drive, sit on a bench, and do a brief run if your kid tries to wander off, you can handle taking your preschooler to a park. You will quickly find some parks are easier to watch your kid at than others. If you can't do this, it's not the end of the world. Take someone with you or ask someone to do it for you. Your child does need exercise to grow properly. If you have space, indoor play equipment is a good idea.

School age kids are more challenging with cfs in my opinion. The first problem is school. You are expected 5 days a week to get your kid ready by a certain time and send them off or take them there. You do get some time to recover while they are at school, but then must go get them. It's the having to do these things even if you are crashing that is hard. Depending on your degree of cfs, you may need help with this part. You will be looking forward to the break you will have when they are gone....but the getting them ready every morning will probably start to do you in.

The second problem is homework. I think it is horrible that they give kindergarteners homework now. This seems like punishment for child and parent to me. Try being tired and forcing a child to do homework. This is really hard. Get help if you can.

Teen years you can expect a mixture of really helpful and really awful. Then again, same with all parents. At least if you feel bad they can make their own dinner, right?

Well I'm not sure I can help since I don't have a whole lot of pain but I do have a lot of fatigue. I have struggle with that fatigue all my life but wasn't diagnosed with CFS until a couple of years ago. I have 2 children: 8 and 3. My first pregnancy was awful for the first half only because I had horrible morning sickness. But once I got through it, I felt pretty good. My fatigue wasn't as debilitating. Taking care of her wasn't too terrible either, once I got her on a good schedule. I got pregnant with number 2 when my other child was 3 1/2. That was an easy pregnancy. No sickness and I felt good. I was even walking around town the weekend before I had him. I walked a lot and had more energy. It wasn't bad taking care of the 2 until a year or so ago. The fatigue got really bad but I'm managing. It's almost like it's automatic. I have to take care of them and even if that's the only thing I do during the day, then that's an accomplishment.

Each woman is different but it's good that you are asking advice and looking into it first. By the way, I'm a stay at home mom.

Hi

Thanks so much for the comments, it really gives me something to think about, I know having children is a personal decision but its good to hear some ideas and experiences

Luna x

I had 2 children 2 and 3 when I got FM and CFS. It was tough. My husband was a teacher and busy with marking and planning each evening. We read a lot of books on the couch, and i would nap when the boys did. I kept a sign above my sink which read "Keep Calm" when my patience would run out, it really helped. And of course, a lot of prayer. My boys are great men now in their 20's, one teaching English in S. Korea and the other a bricker and oil rigger , looking into training for business. Glory to God! isabelle1954

I would never recommend having children if you have quite bad or severe chronic fatigue.I don't mean to sound negative, however my own personal experience of having my second child when I had cfs was one of the worst experiences of my life.I was so weak all the time, I felt that I would surely die and never see her crawl or walk.I used to pray that I would just make it to her first birthday.If my husband had not been there I would have had to adopt her out.The pregnancy was not planned and I was extremely ill with cfs after suffering with glandular fever.I know it was irresponsible .The pregnancy exhausted me and I suffered severe morning sickness, well actually it was all day sickness, bent over a bucket all day for 4mths.Fortunately the birthing was quick due to taking birthing herbs.However the increased lack of sleep with baby care combined with the cfs totally wiped me out.I became bedridden with my tiny baby and was at the mercy of my husband to save us both.I have never prayed so much in my life, I was in a living hell.However that little baby did survive, she is now 29yrs old.Although she reminds me that I have been ill with cfs her entire life,I am truly grateful to still be here for her.I personally would advise against having children if you have cfs

It's kind of a blessing that I was already pretty solid in my no-children decision before getting CFS at age 19. In the 6 years since then--regardless of the CFS--I've only become more certain.

Even if I did happen to want to, I don't know how I would be able to manage it, even with a wildly supportive partner. I've done a ton of childcare (full-time nanny, worked in multiple preschools, mom had an in-home daycare, etc) and have a pretty good idea of what it entails. I couldn't be a mom for even a week with how I am now.

SO much respect for all you parents out there with CFS who are kicking your butts to do the best you can for your kids and yourself.

I had two children when I became sick. About a year into the illness I became pregnant. I had the baby, and we all survived, he's an adult now.

In good conscience, I can't recommend becoming pregnant with CFS. Having a baby and raising it is stressful for healthy people. So for me...

To this day I sometimes feel guilty about the things I wasn't able to do, to enjoy with him. He's a great guy, and I'm so glad hes in my life.

Each woman must decide for herself, but based on my experience, I would say no...it's taking on a huge burden, and unfair to both the mother and the child.

Just my opinion, of course