Please don't ever give up.

Take meds where you need them. I too have chronic depression (well actually BPD which more time on the depressive side than the manic). For the most part I can manage my depression through positive thinking, faith, meditation but I keep anti-depressants on hand for those times when the darkness is so deep is swallows all hope.

I too feel like my spirit is dying, but I will never stop fighting. There is a reason that this challenge is in our lives, there is a lesson to be learned a destiny to be fulfilled. I refuse to believe that this is random happenstance.

I have not mastered pacing yet, but I keep researching when I can. I believe that with management we can get better.

Big Hug..you are in a safe place.

I want to give you a big hug. You will be in my prayers. I have dealt with depression since I was 11 and am on an antidepressant for years now. It has helped me a lot. Have you seen a Dr about this? I know how hard it is to go to someone & explain how bad you feel & ask for medication. I tried for years to deal with it on my own but once I was on the meds, wow what a difference. Being chronically ill & losing the life you loved is hard to do & has to be mourned, add to that depression & you need help.

I have been going through a time of boredom & a feeling of inadequacy so I am looking at the things I gave up to try to find somethings I can add to up my self esteem & give me some feelings of accomplishment. I can't go back to work or go back to gardening so those are out. I used to make jewelry & sell it at craft fairs but I burned myself out after I got sick but maybe making a few necklaces will help me. I am going to take up crocheting again. Can you find somethings to do to put you in a better place emotionally? Sounds like you are where i am.

How about a pet to take care of? I know for me my dog gives me so much pleasure & she is a good listener. She is an easy dog to take care of so I don't have to expend too much energy. She seems to know that I am sick.

I hope you find some happiness & know I understand exactly how you are feeling. Soft & gentle hugs, Denise

Hi Pouty! The point of carrying on is that you are here...on this planet for a reason! We're surely are not going to tell you we don't understand the hideous depressive aspects to this illness. It leaves us feeling desolate, inadequate and lonely! NO FUN! That's for sure.

But when you have depression on top of the sadness associated with CFS/ME, it's truly too much to deal with sometimes, I'm absolutely sure.

I'm so glad you journaled about how absolutely desperate you are feeling today. It's good to talk about it, and let us help you through. You need to know that you are not alone!!! We ALL get the depression, severely at some times. Especially during a bad crash, when we are bedridden and feeling forgotten and alone. That's why I am so thankful for this site! We all know how you are feeling.

Please just try to realize that your life has value...to you and to others around you. You mean something to people who care about you. You are a part of this group of sufferers and you contribute to help make other people feel better. That is SUCH a good thing to do. It helps our depression when are able to help someone else.

I will pray that you will see through the dark maze that is today and that you will wake up tomorrow feeling much better. If you have meds for depression, please take them. I have an anxiety disorder. It messes me up. I take my meds, but in a crash, when I have a panic attack I want to jump out a window. I have no control over what's going on in my head. It's really scary. I understand how frightening this can be.

We're here for you, Pouty! We're fighting together to help each other get through the days that lie ahead. Tomorrow will be better.

I am praying for you!

In your frame of honesty, I wish I had words of wisdom to guide you, and I wish I had words of cure for you. I don't.

All I have is my own experience. The demons of depression creep, like the slimy creeps they are, around our neck and proceed to choke all of the hope, love, and blessings from our days. For me the only help, I don't like drugs and I'm not that bad, is to pull those positives back into focus. The doctor who diagnosed CFS for me, also gave me my best prescription. Do less of what makes you worse and more of what makes you better. I gaze on what is beautiful, acknowledge the ugly and don't focus on it. I hold close what is comforting, like my two year old granddaughter. I deal with what is stressful as quickly as possible. I come on here and read honest words and put my honest thoughts and feelings out there.

I'm glad you have your blessings. I have mine too. I can't imagine life without them. I struggle, you struggle, and all of us struggle with what we can do. I loathe the idea of being lazy. Yet I have come to live a life I see as being lazy. I'm coping by not working too hard, but it still feels lazy. Then I wonder if I'm being lazier than I need to. Doing what we can is all we can do. Somethings are worth a bit more cost in the way of pain or fatigue.

I was going to say more, but my mind is fogging over. I checked my glasses, they aren't dirty. HUGS all around.

Thx so much for your words of support! Ladybugdr: love your message but have to laugh out loud re:have I talked to a Dr re:depression. This is Canada, no one recognizes cfs. I HAVE BEGGED DRS TO TRY ALL KINDS OF MEDS ON ME! I have tried many meds over 20 yrs (sick 25 yrs).NOTHING WORKS PEOPLE! A relapse is a relapse, it's a waste of time for me! The only drug that has any affect is a sleeping med, and have to take breaks due to addiction. I AM IN A RAGE! Is a complete waste of time! No more abuse for me trying to get well, I'm going to throw up!, I have a right to my anger!
Yes, I am learning about meditation and gratitude, a new thing for me. But people know I am a very passionate eccentric person and if this is my experience, enough already, it doesn't work for me!
I pray that when I am better I can write and do stand up comedy about dealing with this crazy illness.

I haven't experienced depression in my own life, but I certainly understand all the frustration and anger that goes along with dealing with a chronic illness - especially one that is little understood. I'm glad we can all share our honest feelings on DS and realize we are not alone in this struggle for health and finding meaning that we constantly face. Be patient with yourself, Pouty. It seems to help!

you describe what my life used to be like.
I found a cure.
I had jaw surgery.
it was my airway.
there is much research lately that shows that insomnia is sleep apnea.
sleep apnea causes intracranial hypertension, which causes the worsening headache and nausea when you lie down. look at the paper I posted on CFS and IIH. get a spinal tap and find out what is really wrong with you. get a sleep study.
intracranial pressure made me want to die, too. now I get to live.

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I go through similar feelings regularly. Laying in bed thinking of ways to end it all without making it obvious to my family. Then something happens, I have one night of sleep for more than 2 hours or I'm able to accomplish something small. I get a message from a friend I didn't think cared anymore. I hold onto those little things to keep me going. I cannot put my family through the suffering of losing me. They have lost enough of me already. I ache for a life of normalcy, just as we all do. The depression is horrendous. I've had to use a depression workbook that gets me out of bed and brushing my teeth. Then gradually to shower etc. Hang in there. I pray it gets better for you.

When I first got CFS, 20 years ago, my shrink whose husband had CFS told me to take the CFS "cocktail". It was klonopin and doxepin (Sinequan). I had tried taking the new antidepressants, Prozac, Lexapro, etc. and had terrible reactions. However doxepin gives good phase 2 sleep so I got it for sleep although it is an old fashioned anti-depressant. After a few weeks of being able to do nothing and thinking about slashing my wrists, the AD effects of doxepin kicked in and I became very happy. I realized I had an underlying depression that caused me trouble most of my life. I still take it.

Doxepin (Sinequan) made me sleep soundly and I came out of depression. The side effects are it makes one gain weight if taken in high doses, but I only needed a minimal dose to sleep and get undepressed. I'm glad I found it. It has been around for decades and has the lack of bad side effects would have been publicized, so I prefer it over newer meds.

I get it in oral (liquid) form and constantly adjust my dosage. Start with very little and increase. I am now taking a high dose for me, 40 mg, whereas a therapeutic dose for depression is minimal 75 mg. It stopped me from slitting my wrists and gave me good sleep. I usually take about 20 mg but my husband died and I increased to 40 mg and am now tapering down to 20.

Maybe the old wisdom is worth something...the CFS cocktail.

Good luck

PS: for women: I went through menopause with no hot flashes or anything bad. My doc said it was so easy because of the doxepin. Also 2 different docs told me it was good for my immune system.

The fatigue certainly puts you in a "low" place, pouty. I get it. Some days I feel like I merely exist. one foot in front of the other. I'm glad you have good conversations, hopefully with people who can affirm you and speak to your self worth, not in what you do, but who you are, a worthwhile person. Courage, my friend!! Isabelle1954

I think I know how you feel at least in being frustrated with the never ending challenges and some achievements, plenty of disappointments of this illness.

I've spent so much time and money on drugs, supplements, doctors, diets, and it just seems I end up in the same place. It can make one despondent. As a guy, I feel ashamed of having this because I think many people just see me as weak willed. I tell almost no one about my issues, as I usually get stupid responses of people thinking that solution is right there for me if I'll just listen to their advice.

Are you feeling better since you posted this, I hope?