CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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deleted_user 08/29/2013

A Christian estranged parent on a different website asked the following question of which an ex-estranged child answered it. I thought the answer was very insightful for us all....

Q- "People say, they'll come back when they are 'older' wiser and maybe it may take them becoming parents, but what do I do in the meanwhile?"

Comment:

"Love them, support them, console them.

My parents were great people, ministers in fact... which doesn't MEAN a lot, except that in my particular case it meant for a great up-bringing.

And... I... ended... up... estranged.

They may not come back! But, you are Mom. Be Mom. Unconditional love.

I came back... and realized, Mom & Dad were right all along. You can STILL instill ideas and changes in your adult children! You say you brought them up with all the right THINGS, morales, etc... well, your not done! You keep being that awesome parent.

What it WILL do is show the ones who are still learning that Mom&Dad will never give up on them... you can do it. Never give up on your kids.

Paul
(Just a kid...) :D

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Comments welcomed of course -

Norske1 08/29/2013

Thank you for the post Mom2Guel, and I was especially happy to see it was a son who returned. Usually daughters come back but not always sons. I wonder if this young man was married? My son would not be estranged from us if it weren't for the DIL.

lindajoan 08/29/2013

Thank you Mom2Guel Our ED is young and unmarried but has mental issues. With that being said DH and I still know that God is able to change things. It sure does take a lot of faith to believe it, at times.

A question from this article comes to mind? How do we (in action) keep being the "awesome" parent? Unconditional love, yes, Prayer, yes. Did this EC mean anything else? ?

deleted_user 08/29/2013

linda....No, there was nothing else. I can speak for him but to me, it is being the prodigal parent - being willing to forgive no matter what. Waiting with open arms and never giving up hope. Letting them know that we love them no matter what they do or say.

deleted_user 08/29/2013

Oooops! Reply deleted due to big typo mistake that sent wrong message.....

"nda....No, there was nothing else. I can('t) speak for him but to me, it is being the prodigal parent - being willing to forgive no matter what. Waiting with open arms and never giving up hope. Letting them know that we love them no matter what they do or say.

Norske1 08/29/2013

I have done all that so now I have to continue to ask God for the patience to wait. As my mother used to say (although she was referring to other things) "all good things are worth waiting for."

deleted_user 08/29/2013

Thank you for posting this, it's encouraging to hear the other perspective, we don not often hear this.

lindajoan 08/29/2013

Amen on being the prodigal parent. That is the Biblical way.

deleted_user 08/29/2013

I think my life is stuck on long-suffering!! like a broken record. I decided that if/when they ever come back to me, I won't require explanations or apologies.

However, I recently wrote an ED that 'mutual love and respect' has to be there before any good can happen with us. Her attitude towards me is straight from the pit, and I finally found a voice and told her that when there is mutual love and respect, count me in. Having stopped eggshell-walking, I am speaking some truth, in love & in a loving way.

Since i have no way to love, support or console them, being that they are GONE, all I can do is pray and on occassion send a card (if I have an address) to them, right? Anything else to do when they are gone and all forms of contact are gone?

lindajoan 08/30/2013

forever, I agree with only having a relationship if there is mutual love and respect. It must be a two way street.

If you have an address and you feel led of God to contact an EC then obey God. It is different for everyone. We should always unconditionally love and pray for our EC, also. They need our prayers the most.

deleted_user 08/30/2013

Forever, I too have no way to love, support or console my ES. It's been 5 years and I have no address or phone #. The post from the ex-estranged son does give me hope, but how do I let ES know that when he won't even let me know where he is?

feellinghelpless 08/30/2013

Mrsfits, I know what you mean. I don't have an address or phone # for my ED either.

deleted_user 08/30/2013

Just as a thought Forever, I do know the address of my ES and DIL as well as their phone #. We have sent occassional B-Day cards letting him know that we still love him and always will - no matter what. We have also let him know that we are ready, willing and able to sit down and have a calm discussion about what has happened and to get this thing resolved. But, we are really at the mercy of our DIL. She says, "Jump!" and he says, "How high?" She has issues from the past that we cannot get through on our own power. Only God can turn her around. If, and when that happens I am confident that our son would return in a heartbeat.

So, just knowing the numbers and the addresses does not ensure that they will respond to a card or a call. But, I do believe that if the time ever comes and our son really needs us for something important, those notes on a card will come into his mind - I hope.

deleted_user 08/30/2013

mrsfits, are there GC involved? If it's a grown son who doesn't want you around, why would you want to pursue that kind of pain?. But if there are GC it's different.

I'm personally not into facebook or myspace, etc. but that would be one way for estranged grandkids to find their cast out GP's when they reach the age to start thinking for themselves.

If any adult treats me this way: doesn't give their phone # and address---blocks my email address--doesn't ever contact me, even with my mother dying--doesn't thank me for a card, letter or gift--makes it clear that they don't like me, enjoy me, or want me in their life, I'd consider them out of my life, and at best a TOXIC person.

grandchildren are a different story, but sadly they are learning hate and prejudice from their parents via attitudes, words aren't needed to teach hate. I see it happening to my oldest GC. :(

deleted_user 08/30/2013

My heart is with you all. I was estranged for 10 years, then DIL decided okay to have a relationship again. Two new grandchildren! How exciting. Then one day my son told me that the grandchildren loved me more than her parents! I knew I was in trouble then. Sure enough. That was the end of it all. She found fault with everything I did, said, did not do, did not say. We are estranged again. But, honestly....it is my son's fault. He was brought up a Christian. He knows better.

Norske1 08/30/2013

Mom2Guel's story is also my story: Just as a thought Forever, I do know the address of my ES and DIL as well as their phone #. We have sent occasional B-Day cards letting him know that we still love him and always will - no matter what. We have also let him know that we are ready, willing and able to sit down and have a calm discussion about what has happened and to get this thing resolved. But, we are really at the mercy of our DIL. She says, "Jump!" and he says, "How high?" She has issues from the past that we cannot get through on our own power. Only God can turn her around. If, and when that happens I am confident that our son would return in a heartbeat.

I have done all of the above and my ES says "how high?" when my DIL speaks. So until he grows a backbone, I have detached.

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