My ES also reminded me of what a loser he thinks I am. He said "you have no room to talk mom, after, which one of us has been in the same little town their whole life". He told me along time ago I was a loser because I never went to college & have lived in this small town my whole life. I didn't go to college because I was young & stupid, got pregnant & married. I was a big enough person to stick it out & try to be a good mother to my sons. I think I did pretty well considering I had NO role models or good examples set for me. God bless us all!

Sorry gordos4, No parent should have to be told this by their child. It seems that someone with a good self esteem would not put others down, especially their parents. God willing, one day, they will come to realize how much a parent really does for a child from day one of their life and start to appreciate all we have done.

My computer's really acting up. I can't read the article. Can you sum it up?

WHEN PARENTS DISAPPOINT
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL YOUR PARENTS DID YOU WRONG
by: Allen Domelle

We all have them. We didn’t choose them. They didn’t choose us. They will have us for the rest of their lives. We will have them for the rest of their lives. In fact, God didn’t even give us a chance to trade them in for a better model. Whether good or bad, we are stuck or blessed with each other for the rest of our lives. Yes, I am talking about your parents!

I’m amazed at a society that seems to disdain and attack their parents. I come from a generation where most seemed to revere and honor their parents. If someone said something bad about our parents, that was fighting ground. I come from a generation where you were aware that you just didn’t say bad things about your parents.

Yet, today we have a generation of adult children who, when their parents are gone or of the age that they really don’t feel like fighting, they smear their name or attack how they were reared. We live in a generation who thinks they know more than their parents, even though this generation has not really done anything great. My heart goes out to these parents who have given everything they had to make sure their children had the best, and yet their children are unappreciative and don’t give them the respect they deserve.

On the other hand, I also understand there are times when parents truly disappoint their children. Children have to carry the baggage of their parents crimes or misjudgments. I am not talking about disagreements here, I am talking about children who have to change the bad reputation that their parents gave them.

This article is not about judging whether your parents are right or wrong. The purpose of this article is to help those who for whatever reason feel their parents have disappointed them. This article is for those who feel that their parents have done them wrong. I’m not saying that your parents have done you wrong, I’m simply saying that you feel they’ve done you wrong. What do you do when this happens?

Ephesians 6:1-2 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)” The key word in these verses is the word “honour.” God understood that children would not always agree with their parents. God understood that at times children would feel their parents did them wrong. Yet, in both cases God still expects the children to honor their parents. God didn’t say honor them when you agree with them. He didn’t say honor them only when you feel like they’ve not done you wrong. God says that we are to honor them, period!

So, what does it mean to honor our parents? Honoring your parents means to respect them simply for who they are. In other words, they are your parents, and you should hold them in regard because of that. It doesn’t say you have to like what they have done. It doesn’t say you have to personally like them. It doesn’t say you have to like what they do, but it does say you are to honor them. You are to respect them because they hold the position of parent in your life. Honoring your parents means to give them the dignity their position deserves. In other words, you don’t talk bad about them. You don’t talk about them in a derogatory manner. You don’t address them in the wrong way. You address them as your parents, and not by calling them by their first name. You honor your parents by doing what they’ve reared you to do. You honor your parents by not destroying their name with a wicked lifestyle. Whether or not you agree with your parents, you are to honor them.

The question one would ask is, to what degree do I honor them? The verses above are very interesting in that one verse commands children to obey their parents, and the other verse commands them to honor their parents. Notice, a child is to obey their parents, “in the Lord.” As long as your parents don’t tell you to do something that goes against the Word of God, then you are to obey them. Yet, honoring is something that can be done whether or not they are living a godly life, and whether or not they have treated you right. Honoring is something you do because of their position.

Because parents are human, and because we are human, there are going to be times when we disagree with our parents. Sadly, there may be times when our parents do something that hurts us. When parents do something that hurts you, you will be tempted to get even with them for the wrong you feel they have done to you. Again, let me make this clear, I’m not saying your parents have hurt you, I’m saying you perceive they have hurt you. In these instances, it would be wise to know how to respond when you feel your parents have hurt, wronged or disappointed you. Let me give you seven things to do when you feel your parents have done you wrong.

1. Remember the good they have done.

When parents wrong their children, it is very common for a child to completely forget all the good they did in their life. What your parents did may be severe, but you can always remember the good they did for you. Sometimes a child may have to look at their parent’s life in two separate windows. You may have to divide the good and the bad. But, when you divide them, you need to focus on the good times you had together. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” This will be a decision you have to make. You will have to decide to look at the good, for human nature will steer you to look at the bad. Choose to remember the good that your parents did for you.

2. Don’t throw out the good that they taught.

We often hear the statement, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” I would like to turn that around and say, “Don’t throw your parent’s teachings out with the bathwater.” Okay, so your parents have done wrong and hurt you, that doesn’t mean the truths they taught you were bad. I have watched many young people completely throw everything out that their parents taught them because their parents hurt them so deeply. I beg you not to do this. Just because your parents may have fallen in sin does not mean all the good they taught you is bad. The scriptural truths they taught you are still true and right. Don’t throw that out simply because your parents have acted like sinful human beings.

3. Remember, your children are watching you.

You’ve heard the statement, “What goes around, comes around.” This is very true. God says in Galatians 6:7, “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” The laws of sowing and reaping apply to you. If you mistreat your parents because you feel they wronged you, then you are training your children how to treat you if you ever wrong them. Don’t kid yourself, you are not the perfect parent. You will probably do something with which your child won’t agree and it may disappoint them or hurt them. I know, you don’t plan on it, but you’re human, and as humans we are prone to do things that hurt others. So, when you feel your parents have wronged you, treat them the same way you’ll want your children to treat you when you wrong or disappoint them. Most likely your children won’t agree with everything you do. So, remember that you’re children are watching how you treat your parents when they’ve wronged or hurt you. You are training them how to treat you in the future.

4. You are to still give them honor.

Honoring your parents is not something you do only when you agree with how they’ve treated you. Honestly, the test of how you honor your parents is how you treat them when they’ve wronged or disappointed you. That is the true test of whether you are honoring your parents. It’s easy to honor your parents when everything is well between the both of you, but how do you talk about them, address them and treat them when you disagree? God’s command is to honor them: NO MATTER WHAT!

5. Don’t live your life to get even.

Romans 12:19 says, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” Living your life to get even with your parents is the worst way you can live life. Vengeance belongs to God. Trying to prove to your parents that you know better than they do is not what God wants you to do. Let God take care of how your parents have treated you. Trust me, God knows how to take care of your parents better than you do. A person who lives their life to get even with their parents is a person who lives a miserable life. Life is too short to live it to prove your parents wrong. Move on and leave God’s business to Him.

6. Learn from their weaknesses.

So, let’s say that your parents have truly wronged you or disappointed you. That still does not give you a right to try to destroy them. Instead, you would be wise to learn from their weaknesses and try avoiding the same mistakes yourself. Proverbs 19:25 says, “Smite a scorner, and the simple will beware: and reprove one that hath understanding, and he will understand knowledge.” One of the great things about living after your parents is that you can learn from their mistakes, or I should say, you should learn from their mistakes. One of the saddest things I have watched is people who despise their parents who end up falling into the same mistakes their parents made. I have watched children who despise that their parents were always gone when they were young, and yet they do the same thing themselves and don’t even realize it. If your whole life is focused on how to get even with your parents, or avoiding anything that your parents taught you, then you are missing one of the greatest assets God has given you; the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. Every child should live a better life than their parents because they have their life to study. You don’t try to be better than your parents to prove to them that you are better, but you do better because you are supposed to do better. We often say that the one thing we learn from history is that we don’t learn from history. Don’t let your parent’s mistakes go to waste. Learn from them and don’t make the same mistakes yourself.

7. Don’t let the hurt or disappointment destroy your relationship.

You only have one set of parents. Don’t let hurts and disappointments destroy a unique relationship that you can only have with one set of people; your parents. You can always call someone else your parents, but that doesn’t take away the fact of who your parents truly are. One day you will wish you had a good relationship with your parents, but it will be too late if you let hurt and disappointment destroy it.

Job asked in Job 8:11, “Can the rush grow up without mire? can the flag grow without water?” The “rush” was used as a wick for candles and lamps. As much as they liked to use the rush as a wick to lighten a dark room, the rush cannot grow with the mire and mud. Likewise, every good relationship has to look beyond the mire to find the rush to lighten their life. I challenge you to overlook the mire of hurt and disappointment so you can have a relationship with your parents that will be cherished.

My mother is in Heaven. I look back at my mother’s life and I feel blessed to have had her in my life. Was she perfect? No, she had some weaknesses, but there was a whole lot more good than bad. I’m so glad that I didn’t let little things destroy my relationship with my mother. Though my mother never did anything that would hurt me or disappoint me, there were times when I was still under her roof when I didn’t agree with her. Now that she is in Heaven, I have no regrets of wishing I would have done things differently. You won’t always have your parents. You may not always agree with your parents, you may not agree with their lifestyle, and you may have had to deal with some hurtful and disappointing times, but don’t let those times destroy everything they’ve done. Leave your parents with some dignity and move on. If you try to destroy your parents and what they’ve done, then you are only showing how little of a life you have.

Honoring your parents comes with the promise of long life. I don’t know if God is exactly talking about living long as in a time span, but I do believe He is talking about a quality of life. If you want to have a life filled with joy and happiness, then look beyond the hurts and disappointments you feel your parents may have caused, and honor them by building a good relationship on those things which you do agree upon.

Allen Domelle is the editor of the Old Paths Journal which is more than just a Christian’s publication. It is an excellent place to learn how today’s headlines will forge tomorrow’s laws and statutes. Keep yourself in tune with what is happening around the world, as well as in your own backyard with our daily updates and devotionals.

WOW! I was just expecting a summary. I'm going to print that and I'm praying about sending it to ED

Tikva and Sadmad, I feel you from both poles of perspectives. There is not right or wrong here. There is only love. If you have love in your life and in your heart then you have done all you can do, and it is all you need to lead a happy life. We hope they have love in their lives too. We want them to be happy with, or without us.

Well...i think I have to disagree with wanting them to be happy without us...is that not very akin to saying..I want them to be happy even if they are committing mortal sins...cause I dont...they should feel remorse when their actions are full of sinful things...

Breaking one of the Ten Commandments...getting by with it while I wish them to be happy while doing it just does not seem right in my way of thinking.

Not trying to start an argument just looking for others thoughts.....any takers?

AllK

Very good points Allk...... why should we want them to be happy when they are sinning? That seems to go against God's plan.

I don't want my ES and DIL to be happy; I want them to come to God and I want them to come back to family.

I go back and forth between wanting my ED to be happy and hoping she's so totally miserable that coming back is her only choice.
A friend reminded me that sin is sin. It could POSSIBLY be that she still loves God. Definitly not being obedient to God's word, but trying in her own way to love God. Young people are getting such mixed messages. You can do what you want and God will forgive. Hopefully someday she'll realize what she's doing and come to repentance. Until then deep down I wish her happiness. It's what I want for my children. Just not at the expense of their salvation.

I worked very hard to make my son capable and independent. He is. He doesn't need me at all. He says he's happier than he's ever been. If I died today, he would be fine in this world and survive quite nicely.

Problem: God wants us to depend on Him. God wants us to long for Him and be dedicated to Him. So I have to say that just because my son has achieved a certain level of success at his age, he is not successful in God's eyes because he is trying to be independent of his Savior.

So, I constantly pray that the Lord will do "whatever it takes" to bring my son into a real relationship with Jesus Christ. I see my son making decisions that I disagree with and that I feel will bring him difficulty and pain down the road. But if he is making those decisions apart from God's direction, and it brings him pain, then that is a good thing because it will cause him to seek out the Lord later on in life.

If I see him playing video games rather than going to college, I feel bad because I know that he will not always be the young man he is and when he is 40 some other young man with a college degree may take his job. That will lead to a loss of income, and poverty often bring someone to God.

If I see him relinquishing his parental rights to his son. That makes me very sad because I know that some day he will regret that decision and feel the pain of having a grown son that he doesn't know. But again that will lead him to realize that he has no one to blame but himself, and his response, hopefully, will be to turn to God in repentance.

I have to have faith in the working of the Spirit in my son's life and know that He is going to effect change even if it takes years. That is extremely hard for me. I don't have to wish my son good or ill. I just have to let life take its course. Consequences will come. And I believe that there is a seed there that will grow.

It is not right for us to wish unhappiness upon our children. That is not our place. God commands their heart, not us. Do not indulge bitterness, friends - especially towards your own children. We will not cut off our noses to spite our face. Nelson Mandela said that: "Resenting others is like drinking poison, and hoping that will kill your enemies." How can we love them and wish them to be unhappy at the same time? When we love inspite of their malice toward us, we stand as a shining example of God's love for us. That is the way back for our children.

No one said (at least I did not) that we should be wishing unhappiness upon our children....

I said that to be wishing them happiness while they are breaking a Ten Commandment is not correct...letting them be responsible for their life choices...good or bad is correct...

Loving them...praying for them to see the light...thats all good and should be done..IT IS NOT wishing them unhappiness...just reality stepping in.

Do not indulge evil either or sinning or condone bad actions while wishing them happiness....that is simply telling them their actions are okay in our eyes and perhaps even in God's eyes. I believe Epic that you are twisting the words "love" and happiness...they are not the same thing

"1 Timothy 5:20 Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. Luke 17:3 Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. 2 Timothy 4:2 2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine. Titus 1:13 This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith; Titus 2:15 These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no man despise thee."

These verses from the Bible DO NOT SAY....wish them happiness

James 4:17
English Standard Version (ESV)
17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

Neither does this say wish them happiness in their lifestyle...of course we can all continue to love them and should...and of course continue to pray for them.

Standing on "The Word" is not being bitter as you stated...although it does cause grief sometimes...many have been persecuted for doing just that and yes they prayed for their enemies...but they did not wish them happiness.

Standing as a shining example of God's love for us is a wonderful thing...but even God calls some things out as a sin and requires us to come in a spirit of sorrow for what we have done...not coming in with a spirit of happiness for what we have done.

The way back for our children is to see the error of their ways...and that is up to God to show them. If our love which has not changed since they were born could not keep them from sinning...then our love cannot bring them back...only God can !! And only when they see their errors thru God's plan for them...not my plan for them

I pray they see it before it is too late...because this is what they are doing of their own choices...prodded along of course by Satan....
HE WHO BRINGS TROUBLE ON HIS OWN HOUSE WILL INHERIT ONLY THE WIND….Proverbs 11:29 NKJV

They are the very ones who are cutting off their noses to spite their own faces...we have nothing but are forced to watch

Evil flourishes on this earth because godly men/women do nothing,

AllK

All of us love our EC that is why we are so hurt by their bad behavior and sin. It is God who commanded children to honor parents. I pray for our ED. I am not in control and she has free will. My prayer presently is that God will deal with her in His way to bring her to where He wane her to be. I don't pray for harm but I pray for what is needed. In our ED 's case there has been such rebellion that at this point I do not believe she could be experiencing real joy. The prodigal son didn't either. Sometimes it takes a rough journey to really change and learn from. God knows best.

Great article Norske....I too wish I could send this to my DIL - not my son so much. I want to send it to her because, if it weren't for her determination to keep us out of all of their lives, this would be over with tomorrow.

I don't feel it is my place to rebuke my grown children for rejecting me, anymore than it is my place to rebuke those on this board who would revile me just because I differ with their statement that " I have to disagree with wanting them to be happy without us . . ." Everyone is free to express their opinions on this board and there is nothing wrong with me saying that we should love our children even when we feel they may not deserve it. Jesus says that when they slap you, we should turn our heads and give them the other cheek to slap. Yes, I think we should wish and hope that our children are happy in their lives, even if they wrongly reject us. That is my understanding of true Christian love. I am sorry that some have come to the point where they do not feel this in their spirit. Peace and love to all --EJ