CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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whymom 05/26/2015

Hi folks. I know my position with my son is probalby better than others. First, we do have some communication with him; however, most of it is communication which we initiate. I would like to have a 50-50 split or something similar. That is one disappointment for me as very little communication initiated by him makes me feel he isn't interested in communicating with us. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he ever thinks about us at all.

Second, this past weekend made me feel unimportant to him. He had been out of town for 4 days, back at school for 3 days and my husband called him on Thursday to arrange dinner. So, a week had passed since we had last seen him. It was a nice dinner, he talked about his trip, shared things about school, etc. Friday we did not hear from him. Saturday, my family was having a reunion. He came late, stayed awhile, told me he was leaving once, then got distracted by some picture taking and then left without telling me goodbye. My husband said he probably felt he had communicated with me that he was leaving. Sunday, he came to church and then went out to lunch with friends instead of having lunch with us. But he said he would come by the house to see us. I had hoped for a more extended visit but he only stayed one hour before leaving to go to the lake with the same people he had been on his previous trip with. Monday (yesterday), he came to our house for an extended family cookout. He was the last person arriving but I was not upset by that b/c he had said he was going to be working during the day and I thought he had got caught in something and needed to finish. After the cookout I found out he didn't work at all so I'm not really sure why he was late other than jhe ust didn't plan otherwise. He is going out of town for 8 days on Thursday of this week and my husband mentioned seeing him before he left. He didn't respond with any enthusiasm like "oh yea, we need to " but I felt like there were just excuses. Working long days, had to pack. He didn't decline but he didn't act like it was something he really wanted to do.

I told my husband today that I thought we should just let seeing him before he leaves go. DH is frustrated with me, says he didn't feel that way but my husband is also very nieve (I'm sure I am spelling that wrong). Years ago, he had two co-workers having an affair under his nose and just wouldn't see it -- I spotted it in a 5 hour trip. While I will cry if we do not see our son this week, I also am to the point of not feeling like an intrusion on his life. I want to be a part of his life, I want to know how things are for him, but I want at least part of it to be initiated by him -- something that he wants. I want to be with him not only because I love him, but I do like him -- most of the time. He is naturally funny, reads alot and just knows lots of interesting things. But if he doesn't WANT to spend time with me, then I feel like it is an intrusion on his life. He will be finished with school in another two weeks and my husband says there is potential for change as he will then have more free time. However, what we already have is an established pattern of less communication from him than what we initiate OR what I really want. I am afraid that the pattern is already there and wlll continue.

There are lots of insecurities on my part which affect my feelings about my relationship with my son. Too many to elaborate on here. I just don't feel like our total family relationship is good and he only wants to see or communicate with us when he wants to see us, and that is not as often as I would like. I also feel it is a trend of his generation.

What should we do? Do we continue to initiate contact with him or just let him establish that communication? I just don't know if I can live with what seems to be his trend of communication.

Thanks for listening.

nana58 05/26/2015

Whymom, i have three dtrs and do not have the close relationship with them that I dreamed of when they were griwi g up. Instead I have a strained distanced or semi estranged relationship. The contact with them has always been mostly from me reaching out or if they needed something hearing from them. I think it egan because I missed them so much when they went off to college taht I called and stayed in touch every few days never really giving them a vhance to miss me and then they married the people tehy married and slowly the distancing and strained relationship began. I decided a few years ago to back off and let them do some of the communicating and I realized they reallydidn't care if they heard from is or not. . I go weeks without hearing from them and I have learned to get used to it.
I can tell you there are two things I have learned. 1.The good thing is you can get used to anything. And 2. The bad news is that you can get used to anything.

bella479 05/27/2015

So true nana58 ! ! (our 2 EC did the same when I gave up)

whymom 05/28/2015

Well, I think it is a sad travesty of our society that we ACCEPT the distancing that happens. This didn't happen when adult children stayed in the same communities of the past. Families were close and stayed together.

I have never said that I want to communicate with my son everyday. I don't do that now BUT I do think it is a sad thing that the adult children think is is OK to so distance themselves from the very people who raised and cared for them AND that the adults accept it. It is a picture that we have allowed to happen rather than fighting for communication and closeness. Not that it is something we are owed but just from a relationship status. Is it really ok and someone you spent XX years of your life with is just suddently gone and it's ok that you don't hear from them -- not referring to an estranged relationship but just in general?????

No one needs to reply. I will try to learn and accept what happens but it is a disappointing thing that this has occurred over generations and too many of us have accepted and allowed so that is has become the norm.

feellinghelpless 05/28/2015

When we used to be farm communities families stayed closer together and the children took over the farms. I don't think that necessarily made families closer, but it did force them to communicate more...or at least see each other. Now children have more choices of where to work. They have more friends and social time. As they turn into young adults they get to choose how to use their new freedom. They tend to want to do so much they can't fit it all in.
I know it's hard, but you saw your son Th, Sat, Sun, and Mon. That's more than I see my daughters and I'm not estranged.

sadmom51 05/28/2015

barbyzhere what you said was very profound and good advice for all of us...me especially.....since I still have my son in my life like whymom does......only I feel like he is only still talking to me out of duty or guilt......which breaks my heart...and I have made him feel like he is responsible for my happiness or at least my health on many occasions...I have told him seriously that he is NOT responsible for my Happiness......but my words and my needy actions are contrary......fact is I DO NEED him....I need him to be my friend...and to remember the wonderful childhood I gave him......I spoiled him rotten and nothing was spared in giving to him....and I guess I have felt like now since I am ILL that he should care for me....and he tries....He lets me live in the house that he owns.....and he gives me a stipend for food and toiletries etc.....but I feel like the LOVE he once had for me is missing......so I can relate to whymom.....it hurts when the relationship changes...and they don't NEED us anymore......it hurts real bad......

agrandmothersheart 05/28/2015

Whymom, I don't for a minute believe that in the past families were as close as you are implying. My grandmother got married to my grandfather at the age of 19 and literally never saw her parents again. There were fewer methods of communication back then. My mother and father married and moved several hundred miles from both their families. They still communicated with their parents, but very infrequently. My own siblings only communicated with my own parents on an infrequent basis. I likely spoke to them once every two weeks or once a month for several years. I think you have a distorted view of what family life is supposed to be like. The image of mom and dad living with son and his wife on the farm only happened some of the time. It wasn't necessarily the norm. And, when a family member did move away, they really were gone.

bella479 05/28/2015

Sadmom…..maybe you are the one that feels guilty for him giving to you. Sometimes it is easier for us 'to give then receive'. Remember, everyone shows their love in different ways. Perhaps his way is through his actions to you. What a blessing he sounds like.

You may be reading frustration from him that he feels he is not doing enough. Maybe he saw in you while growing up a very giving person and that is what he wants to be. I don’t know the whole story but I don’t think he gives out of guilt but more from what he observed from you. AND that is a ‘good thing’ !

My gut feeling is he does need you more than you know….he needs you to ‘accept his love’ perhaps in the only way he knows how to show it. Maybe try hard to just encourage him that you are fine and feel content so that he will feel free to make some special memories for himself. Sounds like you raised a very special person…..now enjoy that and be happy ! (hugs)

chocolatecat 05/28/2015

whymom, I'm late to this conversation and didn't read all of the comments. I just wanted to share a little of our experience because we have twin sons that are the exact same age as your son. Before they moved out they would both call me every day if I was away or if they were away. After the first one moved out he never called. I nearly lost my mind the first week. I emailed and DH told him to call his mother because I was worried about him. He called one time after that. Now I am lucky if he remembers my birthday and Mother's Day. He also has a fiancé now. I know for the future that he really only has the ability to deal with one serious relationship, period. That will be his fiancé/wife.
The other twin is the complete opposite. After he moved out, if he was in the least bit bored or lonely he would keep me texting for hours. This eventually drove ME crazy. He tended to pick fights with me and then I'd be up all night stewing. Eventually I got rid of my cell phone altogether.
All this to say, I have two drastically different ESs at the same age at yours and they are truly horrendous at communicating. Life right now is all about them. It is selfish and disappointing to us but there is so little we can do about it. I think things will shift in the future as they mature but until then we set our own boundaries with them and try to have very few expectations of them. It is just easier to live that way. Less stressful. Blessings and hugs.

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