CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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whymom 05/26/2015

Hi folks. I know my position with my son is probalby better than others. First, we do have some communication with him; however, most of it is communication which we initiate. I would like to have a 50-50 split or something similar. That is one disappointment for me as very little communication initiated by him makes me feel he isn't interested in communicating with us. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he ever thinks about us at all.

Second, this past weekend made me feel unimportant to him. He had been out of town for 4 days, back at school for 3 days and my husband called him on Thursday to arrange dinner. So, a week had passed since we had last seen him. It was a nice dinner, he talked about his trip, shared things about school, etc. Friday we did not hear from him. Saturday, my family was having a reunion. He came late, stayed awhile, told me he was leaving once, then got distracted by some picture taking and then left without telling me goodbye. My husband said he probably felt he had communicated with me that he was leaving. Sunday, he came to church and then went out to lunch with friends instead of having lunch with us. But he said he would come by the house to see us. I had hoped for a more extended visit but he only stayed one hour before leaving to go to the lake with the same people he had been on his previous trip with. Monday (yesterday), he came to our house for an extended family cookout. He was the last person arriving but I was not upset by that b/c he had said he was going to be working during the day and I thought he had got caught in something and needed to finish. After the cookout I found out he didn't work at all so I'm not really sure why he was late other than jhe ust didn't plan otherwise. He is going out of town for 8 days on Thursday of this week and my husband mentioned seeing him before he left. He didn't respond with any enthusiasm like "oh yea, we need to " but I felt like there were just excuses. Working long days, had to pack. He didn't decline but he didn't act like it was something he really wanted to do.

I told my husband today that I thought we should just let seeing him before he leaves go. DH is frustrated with me, says he didn't feel that way but my husband is also very nieve (I'm sure I am spelling that wrong). Years ago, he had two co-workers having an affair under his nose and just wouldn't see it -- I spotted it in a 5 hour trip. While I will cry if we do not see our son this week, I also am to the point of not feeling like an intrusion on his life. I want to be a part of his life, I want to know how things are for him, but I want at least part of it to be initiated by him -- something that he wants. I want to be with him not only because I love him, but I do like him -- most of the time. He is naturally funny, reads alot and just knows lots of interesting things. But if he doesn't WANT to spend time with me, then I feel like it is an intrusion on his life. He will be finished with school in another two weeks and my husband says there is potential for change as he will then have more free time. However, what we already have is an established pattern of less communication from him than what we initiate OR what I really want. I am afraid that the pattern is already there and wlll continue.

There are lots of insecurities on my part which affect my feelings about my relationship with my son. Too many to elaborate on here. I just don't feel like our total family relationship is good and he only wants to see or communicate with us when he wants to see us, and that is not as often as I would like. I also feel it is a trend of his generation.

What should we do? Do we continue to initiate contact with him or just let him establish that communication? I just don't know if I can live with what seems to be his trend of communication.

Thanks for listening.

barbyzhere 05/26/2015

From my perspective and my past: my M-I-L wanted regular, large amounts of our time spent with them. Every time we left her house, after being there 2-4 hours she would say on our way out "come again when you can stay longer" with a tone of disapproval. She was never satisfied by our visits. We worked, had 3 kids, a house to keep, kids' activities, but she wanted to be a top priority. She was a stay at home Mom, a wonderful Mom, but her family was her whole life. She had NO other interests. Big mistake in my opinion. It felt like she put the responsibility for her happiness on our shoulders, that we owed it to her to give her as much attention as she wanted and needed. After a while, we didn't go at all unless we had at least 2 hours to spend there. That made her very dissatisfied with us and angry. She missed out on a lot of visits because our schedule wouldn't meet her expectations. If she had expressed pleasure and satisfaction with what we could give, there would have been many more visits and a much better relationship because I truly loved and appreciated her. She raised the wonderful husband I have loved for 44 years.
I'm in the situation now of having no communication with my son, but I can honestly say I have laid no demands or expectations on him of that nature. That's maybe the only thing he doesn't complain about. And I have had to find my joy in other sources, like family and friends who do love me and accept me.
I think it would be helpful for all of us if we examine ourselves occasionally to see if we're projecting our needs onto someone else and expecting them to fill them, whether they can or not. If they can't, it may be good to accept that rather than to keep on being disappointed and perhaps spoil the good things we do have with them.
Our peace and joy have to come from inside ourselves. To rely on someone else to provide it is a recipe for frustration and unhappiness.
You're very blessed to be seeing your son. As he views his time with you as positive and pleasurable, perhaps he'll find a way to make more time for you. That's my prayer for you. Hugs :)

whymom 05/26/2015

I have only told him once that I was disappointed in the amount of time he gave us. It is just that sometimes I feel like we receive only the leftovers and tidbits. And I don't want to hear from him every day but maybe a couple of times a week. Because he is busy I feel that communication from him is more appropriate but it just seems like he doesn't think about it or doesn't make time to do it. Therefore my disappointment. Againk, perhaps it will change as his school work ends.

lindajoan 05/26/2015

I have 3 sons (not estranged). One Ives in a different state. I can honestly say that DH and I do most of the reaching out to them. They reach out but I believe especially with guys it is quite normal that they need gentle reminders. It is nice for your son to know you care but it is also good for him to have some space. How old is he?

poodlegirl61 05/26/2015

I know it is hard when the sons you once meant everything to grow older and get other interests and Mom just isn't a top priority anymore. It hurts, I know. I have three sons and one daughter. The only one I am estranged from is my second son, and he finally came to see me this past Saturday. But that is another story. My youngest son, who I am not estranged from, seems more like the son you are describing. He and I have a good relationship, but half of the time he comes late to things, or else won't come at all, for very vague reasons. This past weekend he left on Saturday morning to go to another town for a Polka Festival with his buddies, and was supposed to come home Sunday morning. Well he hasn't come home yet! He answers his phone (usually) and his reason was because of all the storms nearby. Which there were a lot of storms, true enough. So I didn't see him at all for Memorial Day weekend. I am not really that upset over it. It is just how he is. He isn't doing it to hurt me, he is just a guy, and I really think sometimes they just don't think like us! He is just inconsiderate, and hopefully he will get better the older he gets. I have told him at least to answer his phone, though, because I do get worried that perhaps he has had a wreck or is hurt or something. And most of the time he does answer. Anyway, it sounds like you have a good son who loves you, he is just an inconsiderate goofball like my youngest!

whymom 05/26/2015

lindajoan:

my son is 27 and lived at home until the last 10 months. So, I guess I am still in the adjustment phase of not seeing or talking to him everyday. I think I try to give him space. I normally don't contact him anymore unless I just tell him hello and that I love him. I guess I just wish there was more on his end.

I do think as "guys" that they don't think about the warm and fuzzy things that we women do. Still, I just want to know how his life is going b/c I do pray for him everyday and would like to lift him up if he is under pressure, traveling, etc. I want to support him in his adult endeavors but no contact from him just makes me feel awkward.

Poodlegirl:

Thanks for your insight. I can't blame you for worrying. That's another reason why I just like to hear from him occasionally, to be sure he is ok.

Thanks to both of you for your insight.

lindajoan 05/26/2015

You are a good,caring mother.

agrandmothersheart 05/26/2015

Whymom. with all due respect, I feel you are expecting far too much of your son, and you will push him away if you don't allow him some space. At his age, his parents are not of great importance. If you are seeing him once a week, that is a lot! You need to let him go and have his own life, or he will estrange. What you are describing is not even close to estrangement. Don't smother him.

I am saying this with love, not to hurt you.

whymom 05/26/2015

agrandmothersheart:

I understand your comments and I know we are not estranged, but I FEEL that our relationship is strained and honestly has been for awhile. Before he moved out he did not communicate well with us. However, I feel that once a week contact -- not seeing him but just contact -- is just not adequate. How can you feel that you are a part of someone's life when you only talk to them once a week? I never say anything about this to him, these are my hopes which I share with my DH, a good friend, and here. I don't contact him all the time, I just hope he will contact us. If that is smothering, then I am guilty. Is this what I can expect for the rest of my life -- once a week?

whymom 05/26/2015

Also, my husband says that our son has no idea how I feel. Son only knew that after he first moved out that I was having difficulty in dealing with the move (he made plans to move out without telling me and I found out through an email, move was 3 weeks later). I will not agree that it was time for him to move out but before that point he never had the financial ability to do so. However, I did not appreciate the wayin which it was handled. My husband does not tell him my current feelings of communication issues and DH thinks he does not realize how I feel.

whymom 05/26/2015

agree=disagree in last post

poodlegirl61 05/26/2015

Whymom, do you have any other children or is he an only child? I only ask this because I would think that if he were your only child, then it would only be natural for you to feel extra close with him and maybe a little extra protective of him. It is hard letting them go and live their lives, though, no matter how many kids you have. Like I said, I have 4, and my oldest is 32 and my youngest is 23, and so of course they are all grown. But if I can't reach one of them on the phone, I do tend to panic. My husband just laughs at me, but sometimes men just don't get it.

givingupcontrol 05/26/2015

whymom, it sounds like your son lived at home much longer than most (moved out at about 26 years of age), so maybe you are just getting used to his not being at home all the time. I agree with agrandmother, that you need to give him space and let him be an independent adult. Barbyz had a great point that we all need to be careful not to project our needs onto someone else, expecting them to fulfill us. That will certainly not improve any relationship.
Sounds like your son is a productive adult with a healthy life of work and friends and family.

agrandmothersheart 05/26/2015

Whymom, I am not telling you how to feel. Nobody can tell another how to feel. What I'm saying is that at his age, it would be unusual for a man to feel the need to talk to his mother every week. He should be out living life, meeting new people, falling in love, taking trips, ... whatever. That is how a mature man behaves. His parents are a afterthought, even if he loves them very much.

Although it will be difficult, if you want to maintain your relationship with him, you need to let him go. I would not suggest contacting him any more than every two weeks, and only for a brief conversation. You do run the risk of pushing him away if you do so more often. Please speak to a counsellor, and my guess is he or she will tell you the same thing.

Certainly, mourn the loss of the closeness. That's empty nest syndrome, and is normal.

Sommersmom 05/26/2015

Whymom, it is so obvious how very much you love your son. I think it's difficult sometimes for us to acclimate ourselves to the fact that our children aren't our friends, but instead, our children who have grown into adults. I think it would be unnatural and harmful if your son did reach out to you nearly everyday at his age. I know you want your son to be strong and independent. He sounds as though he loves you very much, but needs space to feel that he doesn't NEED to see you often in order for you to be happy with him. That could be very stressful for a grown child to carry around.
I would cherish hearing from my ED once a week....or, once a month....or, once a year. :(

bella479 05/26/2015

whymom.....I agree with the advice to just sit back and be so happy that he is doing ok. I don't mean to be disrespectful and I know it is hard but a you need to let him grow up. He really should have left home long ago. He needs to experience life on his own. Can you drop an email to him once in awhile? Tell him how proud you are that he is doing so well. He needs encouragement to spread his wings and fly. You don't want him to carry a burden of guilt around his whole life, it will make him unhappy.

Our son left home while attending college. His dad told him it is fine if he ever decides to move out but to let us know so one of us were home. He became involved with this girl from a 'shady' past who had a very dysfunctional family. She cried to him how upset she was had lost a baby her senior year, she would go home with this boy at lunchtime to have sex in her senior year. She talked our son into moving into her aunts basement. SOOOO while we were not home her and him came there. She rummaged through all our drawers (including his sister's room) she cried after she came home and saw this. This was done to 'rope him in' then her whole family proceeded to 'counsel' him against us. (get this, her grandpa was a pastor at the church we attended and her family told lies all over church how terrible we were) He was very gullible and fell for their hints that he needed to stay away from us and grow up. He made up terrible lies about us so that they would feel sorry for him then he could justify hurting us. This girl talked him into marrying him and they could 'USE' her mother's old wedding ring. It was a nightmare....they used that ring and got married. HE is one of the EC we have. She is a nag and continues to turn him away from us. He is very unhappy but chooses to shut us out rather than listen to her on his back all the time.

The reason I am telling you this is for you to realize that some things could be/get worse. You are very blessed to have a relationship with him....just encourage him, send a few emails and let him know you approve that he grows up. He is doing ALOT better then ours did to us.

You are a good caring mother ..... just don't push him to others that will be happy to turn him against you.

((HUGS))

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