CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
As most of you are aware after 20 months of estrangement my daughter and I were recently reunited.
The background is that she met a man on the internet and up and left with no warning. She moved out of the house I was renting to her leaving behind most of her belongings. She had $9K in cash (her life savings) and a 2011 Toyota RAV4 that was paid off. Today she is $8K in debt, drives a used car and she just had a baby.
The man who is baby daddy lives in Canada and cannot cross the border at will. He is 40 years old, has two children and is on disability. He also gets a military pension.
When she first left I did send some emails telling her I didn't understand her decision. I compared her new bf to her old loser bf. (yes, she knows how to pick them) This is one of them:
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You asked me not to contact you so I haven’t. I mailed the package that you received to you more than two weeks ago and you never even bothered to tell me you got it. Family use to be so important to you. Now you have virtually cut-off all ties to everyone in the family. Regardless of what you may think there isn’t anyone in your family that approves of this relationship. Your inheritance will likely be at risk soon.
You are willing to sacrifice everything for this man that you are still getting to know. It blew my mind that you would walk away from the security of a job, comfort of family and all of your worldly possessions to be with this man. Granted, he seem to be your knight in shining armor putting you up on a pedestal. I have news for you …. There are plenty of men that would have appreciated you more than Johnny did and would do anything for you.
It makes me sick to think that this is what you have settled for. Life with Kevin isn’t at all what you described to me to be in your dreams. The way I see it there is little difference between Kevin and Johnny. Johnny was a go no-where 28 year old. Kevin is a go no-where 38 year old. Johnny worked part-time, Kevin doesn’t work. Johnny doesn’t have kids, Kevin has two. Johnny is an American citizen, Kevin is Canadian. Maybe if I knew more about him and you didn’t take off the way you did I would see this differently but according to you - - he doesn’t drive, doesn’t work, rents an apartment and collects money from the Canadian Government, not exactly a winner.
You have always been the rescuer. Unfortunately, it is now at the risk of fulfilling your own dreams. I may not supportive of this relationship but if you ever found yourself in trouble, you can still call me.
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Today I got a FaceBook message from my daughter..... "I want to ask you a favor, I don't know if you'll do it or not. I was talking to Kevin about alot of things, and with some of the things you've said or done in the past in regards to putting him down in emails and other stuff, he was saying if you'd apologize than he'd give you a second chance, which would be good because he's not one to forgive or forget. That's the only favor I ask of you if your willing to do that."
Help, how do I respond??? I know how I want to respond but I understand it would not benefit anyone.
Thanks for taking the time to read this really long message!
The background is that she met a man on the internet and up and left with no warning. She moved out of the house I was renting to her leaving behind most of her belongings. She had $9K in cash (her life savings) and a 2011 Toyota RAV4 that was paid off. Today she is $8K in debt, drives a used car and she just had a baby.
The man who is baby daddy lives in Canada and cannot cross the border at will. He is 40 years old, has two children and is on disability. He also gets a military pension.
When she first left I did send some emails telling her I didn't understand her decision. I compared her new bf to her old loser bf. (yes, she knows how to pick them) This is one of them:
===============================================================================
You asked me not to contact you so I haven’t. I mailed the package that you received to you more than two weeks ago and you never even bothered to tell me you got it. Family use to be so important to you. Now you have virtually cut-off all ties to everyone in the family. Regardless of what you may think there isn’t anyone in your family that approves of this relationship. Your inheritance will likely be at risk soon.
You are willing to sacrifice everything for this man that you are still getting to know. It blew my mind that you would walk away from the security of a job, comfort of family and all of your worldly possessions to be with this man. Granted, he seem to be your knight in shining armor putting you up on a pedestal. I have news for you …. There are plenty of men that would have appreciated you more than Johnny did and would do anything for you.
It makes me sick to think that this is what you have settled for. Life with Kevin isn’t at all what you described to me to be in your dreams. The way I see it there is little difference between Kevin and Johnny. Johnny was a go no-where 28 year old. Kevin is a go no-where 38 year old. Johnny worked part-time, Kevin doesn’t work. Johnny doesn’t have kids, Kevin has two. Johnny is an American citizen, Kevin is Canadian. Maybe if I knew more about him and you didn’t take off the way you did I would see this differently but according to you - - he doesn’t drive, doesn’t work, rents an apartment and collects money from the Canadian Government, not exactly a winner.
You have always been the rescuer. Unfortunately, it is now at the risk of fulfilling your own dreams. I may not supportive of this relationship but if you ever found yourself in trouble, you can still call me.
==============================================================================
Today I got a FaceBook message from my daughter..... "I want to ask you a favor, I don't know if you'll do it or not. I was talking to Kevin about alot of things, and with some of the things you've said or done in the past in regards to putting him down in emails and other stuff, he was saying if you'd apologize than he'd give you a second chance, which would be good because he's not one to forgive or forget. That's the only favor I ask of you if your willing to do that."
Help, how do I respond??? I know how I want to respond but I understand it would not benefit anyone.
Thanks for taking the time to read this really long message!
Just a couple more questions (I apologize for keeping asking but the gaps keep getting wider).
You say you had a background check done on him earlier - how was that done? By an investigator?
You should try and find out, NOT through your daughter or her bf, who his ex-wife was, if he was married at all. Perhaps, he is still legally married?
I can't help but believe that a good investigator cannot get more information than an address. I hope my thoughts don't cause you unnecessary concern and I do hope that I am way off base on these suspicions but they just popped out at me this morning as I was reading all the responses.
In the meantime, as far as the apology goes, apologies are not contingent on whether or not the other person apologizes. Christians are to apologize because Jesus told us in Matthew 5....." So if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Make friends quickly with your accuser,...." (vs. 23-25a)
This tells me that if someone has something against me and I know that I have said something or done something that Jesus would not have been pleased with, then it is I that needs to do something about what I personally have done. What the other person has done or said, Christian or not, is accountable for their owns sins and it is up to them to decide when and if they need to do some apologizing. You do have the right to say to your daughter's bf, that I feel you owe me an apology because these are the sins that you have committed against me. But again, they are not conditional on whether or not a legitimate apology is warranted from you. God only asks us to focus on our own actions and ourselves when it comes to accountability.
Chrons would fall in the same category as diabetes, rhumatoid arthritis, etc. but by government standards, here anyway, it is not a qualified "disability" for not working.
Firstly, I agree with the other posters who recommend that you take this slowly and gently...I would tread very softly when it comes to criticisms of your daughter's boyfriend. My counselor recommended this to me early in my estrangement...even though my SIL had done some terrible things to try to break up our family, he told me that my daughter was "in bed with him", so to speak, and that she wouldn't respond well if we tried to show her what he was really like. We found that to be true, after one small attempt...she just became defensive and it didn't help matters any. I thought that if only she could see what he was doing she would come running back to her family, but by that time she had already been too much under his control and couldn't see it.
Secondly, and here's where a different perspective comes in...while I in no way condone what she did to you by leaving and cutting off contact, maybe you could consider giving him the benefit of the doubt, at least until you can get to know him a little and learn more about his situation. The reason I say this is because I have a son who has a chronic illness (meningitis, in his case) and is on disability. He lives in our basement, and may never be able to work again...but he has a fiancee who loves him, and he loves her. She is content to live with us if need be, and work to support their family, because he still has a lot of love and support he can give her. They complement and fulfill one another, even though he may look like a loser to anyone looking in from the outside. I do believe Crohn's can be debilitating if it is severe, just as can any other chronic illness, and it is possible that he really does have full custody of his kids and wants to homeschool them for good reasons (I also homeschooled :-). Even though there may be concern about the kids' academics, believe me, it would be easier for him to send them off to public school. Maybe they have learning disabilities...and oftentimes boys are slow to learn to read. I'm not trying to defend him...it's certainly possible he is trying to hide something and really is not a good guy...but I guess in the interest of finding out the truth I would try to get to know more about him, and in the meantime take a gentle tone with your daughter. I am learning the very very hard way that a soft answer does indeed turn away wrath, but a harsh one stirs up strife.
If you have the opportunity to maintain a relationship with your grandbaby, I would jump at it. I lost five grandchildren who were my life. As I said, I can give you my perspective, but I am not capable of really imparting any great wisdom at this stage in my life...but I definitely agree with the posters who encourage you to take this slowly and carefully, and bathe it in prayer and forgiveness (I am in much need of the same thing). God bless you, and I am so happy that at least you have the opportunity to connect with your daughter and grandchild!
I am sorry for the tone of the emails that I sent. There was a lot of anger and hurt surrounding your sudden disappearance. Understandably, when expressed so strongly it hid the love that I feel for you. I only have your best interests in mind. I am truly sorry for involving Kevin in the emails that and if it appeared as though I was judgmental. I did not and do not know much about him. I hope it is understandable to you both that I would have grave concerns about the way you abruptly departed. Please try to see things from my view as well. You left a good paying job with your life savings and have landed in poverty. If you are happy, then I am happy.
I am sorry if I have assumed too much...I'm new coming back here and don't know the whole story, but for what it's worth, I think you've hit just the right tone with your reply. Maybe if you soften up the part about "landing in poverty"...something like "making major changes in your life..." or along those lines.
Now it's up to her, her boyfriend, and God :-) Blessings to you!
God Bless
it was protecting the father that he had to sign. what if you named some random person**********
So, it seems there is some trouble in paradise.
Here is my revised message:
I am sorry for the tone of the emails that I sent. There were a lot of emotions surrounding your sudden disappearance, anger, fear, hurt. Understandably, when expressed so strongly it hid the love that I feel for you. I only have your best interests in mind. I am truly sorry for involving Kevin in the emails that I sent and if it appeared as though I was judgmental. I did not and do not know much about him. I hope it is understandable to you both that I would have grave concerns about the way you abruptly departed. Please try to see things from my view as well. You left a good paying job, the security of a loving family and made a major change in your life. If you are happy, then I am happy.
Last night it was my husband who was feeling down and discouraged. It is rare that he admits that to me. He is usually trying to lift me up. He said, "why is it that I am the one who have to be so careful with my words and actions. Why can't I lose my cool and just say what's on my mind? He was referring to all our children and to members of our congregation that he pastors. After we talked and remembered our responsibility it is to God and no one else. It is because he wants us to measure our words and actions that we do. All is for Him.
I suspect she sent the message to him. He is so immature I don't know what to say or do. I don't like him, I don't approve of him and I don't want him in my daughters life. It is difficult to write something that isn't true. In my humble opinion, he should apologize to me! I guess I will have to think about that for a few days. I am not going to rush into writing an apology that I certainly do not mean.