CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
As most of you are aware after 20 months of estrangement my daughter and I were recently reunited.
The background is that she met a man on the internet and up and left with no warning. She moved out of the house I was renting to her leaving behind most of her belongings. She had $9K in cash (her life savings) and a 2011 Toyota RAV4 that was paid off. Today she is $8K in debt, drives a used car and she just had a baby.
The man who is baby daddy lives in Canada and cannot cross the border at will. He is 40 years old, has two children and is on disability. He also gets a military pension.
When she first left I did send some emails telling her I didn't understand her decision. I compared her new bf to her old loser bf. (yes, she knows how to pick them) This is one of them:
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You asked me not to contact you so I haven’t. I mailed the package that you received to you more than two weeks ago and you never even bothered to tell me you got it. Family use to be so important to you. Now you have virtually cut-off all ties to everyone in the family. Regardless of what you may think there isn’t anyone in your family that approves of this relationship. Your inheritance will likely be at risk soon.
You are willing to sacrifice everything for this man that you are still getting to know. It blew my mind that you would walk away from the security of a job, comfort of family and all of your worldly possessions to be with this man. Granted, he seem to be your knight in shining armor putting you up on a pedestal. I have news for you …. There are plenty of men that would have appreciated you more than Johnny did and would do anything for you.
It makes me sick to think that this is what you have settled for. Life with Kevin isn’t at all what you described to me to be in your dreams. The way I see it there is little difference between Kevin and Johnny. Johnny was a go no-where 28 year old. Kevin is a go no-where 38 year old. Johnny worked part-time, Kevin doesn’t work. Johnny doesn’t have kids, Kevin has two. Johnny is an American citizen, Kevin is Canadian. Maybe if I knew more about him and you didn’t take off the way you did I would see this differently but according to you - - he doesn’t drive, doesn’t work, rents an apartment and collects money from the Canadian Government, not exactly a winner.
You have always been the rescuer. Unfortunately, it is now at the risk of fulfilling your own dreams. I may not supportive of this relationship but if you ever found yourself in trouble, you can still call me.
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Today I got a FaceBook message from my daughter..... "I want to ask you a favor, I don't know if you'll do it or not. I was talking to Kevin about alot of things, and with some of the things you've said or done in the past in regards to putting him down in emails and other stuff, he was saying if you'd apologize than he'd give you a second chance, which would be good because he's not one to forgive or forget. That's the only favor I ask of you if your willing to do that."
Help, how do I respond??? I know how I want to respond but I understand it would not benefit anyone.
Thanks for taking the time to read this really long message!
The background is that she met a man on the internet and up and left with no warning. She moved out of the house I was renting to her leaving behind most of her belongings. She had $9K in cash (her life savings) and a 2011 Toyota RAV4 that was paid off. Today she is $8K in debt, drives a used car and she just had a baby.
The man who is baby daddy lives in Canada and cannot cross the border at will. He is 40 years old, has two children and is on disability. He also gets a military pension.
When she first left I did send some emails telling her I didn't understand her decision. I compared her new bf to her old loser bf. (yes, she knows how to pick them) This is one of them:
===============================================================================
You asked me not to contact you so I haven’t. I mailed the package that you received to you more than two weeks ago and you never even bothered to tell me you got it. Family use to be so important to you. Now you have virtually cut-off all ties to everyone in the family. Regardless of what you may think there isn’t anyone in your family that approves of this relationship. Your inheritance will likely be at risk soon.
You are willing to sacrifice everything for this man that you are still getting to know. It blew my mind that you would walk away from the security of a job, comfort of family and all of your worldly possessions to be with this man. Granted, he seem to be your knight in shining armor putting you up on a pedestal. I have news for you …. There are plenty of men that would have appreciated you more than Johnny did and would do anything for you.
It makes me sick to think that this is what you have settled for. Life with Kevin isn’t at all what you described to me to be in your dreams. The way I see it there is little difference between Kevin and Johnny. Johnny was a go no-where 28 year old. Kevin is a go no-where 38 year old. Johnny worked part-time, Kevin doesn’t work. Johnny doesn’t have kids, Kevin has two. Johnny is an American citizen, Kevin is Canadian. Maybe if I knew more about him and you didn’t take off the way you did I would see this differently but according to you - - he doesn’t drive, doesn’t work, rents an apartment and collects money from the Canadian Government, not exactly a winner.
You have always been the rescuer. Unfortunately, it is now at the risk of fulfilling your own dreams. I may not supportive of this relationship but if you ever found yourself in trouble, you can still call me.
==============================================================================
Today I got a FaceBook message from my daughter..... "I want to ask you a favor, I don't know if you'll do it or not. I was talking to Kevin about alot of things, and with some of the things you've said or done in the past in regards to putting him down in emails and other stuff, he was saying if you'd apologize than he'd give you a second chance, which would be good because he's not one to forgive or forget. That's the only favor I ask of you if your willing to do that."
Help, how do I respond??? I know how I want to respond but I understand it would not benefit anyone.
Thanks for taking the time to read this really long message!
~ First, how old is your daughter now?
~ Secondly, you say you know how you want to respond - could you give us an idea of what you mean by that? Is it in a negative or positive way?
That being said, I would respond simply that Jesus taught us all to forgive always, so therefore yes, I forgive him. (You don't have to tell her that you will not forget though) Sounds like she isn't asking an elaboration, just the couple words that you forgive him. Jesus forgivse him; but Jesus does't forget either until he knows there is sincere repentance for the lifestyle these young people chose to live by.
I would wonder if the next thing will be asking you for money to pay off her 8k debt.
My daughter just turned 27.... That is why I know there is nothing I can do about her choices in life.
How old are this man's children? Maybe they feel the same way about their father dating someone so much younger.
Prayer is very powerful. Pray for not only your daughter but this man that has caused her to have misjudgment about her life.
I would take it slow and not respond at all for a few days. If she contacts you for an immediate answer, just say it is something you are thinking and praying about and want to get some advice about first.
First of all -- I whole heartedly agree with Guelsmom about the background check. Have they apologized to you yet? Her for running off without notice and cutting you off and him for encouraging her to do so.
I would tell her that I would love the opportunity to sit down with Kevin and get to know each other. Maybe tell her that you regret comparing him to Johnny. Remind her that you have always told her that you might see things differently if you knew more about him and that you did say that he seemed to be her knight in shining armour and put her on a pedestal.
I would not in any way, shape or form "apologize" to him on the phone or in an email or text. It would have to be a face to face adult conversation. And I would not say I am sorry for the things you said about him that were factual. Maybe just apologize for passing judgement before getting to know him. (The things you pointed out to her in the email seemed to be mostly facts and not judgements to me)
In getting to know him, I would want to find out answers to the following:
1) Is he truly disabled and what is his disability?
2) How old are his children and has he/does he provide(d) for them?
3) Why can't he cross the border at will?
4) What kind of a relationship would he like to have with me?
Just a few thoughts.....
DS4me - know we are all praying for you. God will guide you.
I'm Canadian by the way..and I'm not in the least bit offended by your comments..so not to worry.
We have all kinds of people here who need God in their lives up here....just a lot less number of people live up here, that's what's different.
Anyway, back to your daughter's comments. I think she's looking for a sincere apology, although you were very honest in your description about how you felt at the time you made the comments.
Maybe just saying that you were expressing your real concerns as her mother.
She's going to take his side regardless..so unfortunately, you'll have a hard time convincing her otherwise.
Just a simple "I'm sorry about negative comments of your b/f??)
I really like forgottenmom's suggestions...
Ask God..He'll guide you. God does ask us to forgive..so maybe you can ask your daughter to forgive you for your brutal honesty?? I don't know..this is tough.
I haven't posted anything too negative about my DIL, although, I think my ES and she may need to apologize to me for saying negative things and spreading lies and hate about me?? I've forgiven them for this ahead of time. I'll probably never get an apology from them....because they don't think they've done anything wrong.
Pray for them..they need salvation from what you've mentioned.
Hang in there...give it some "quiet" time..maybe you should wait a bit before responding to your daughter's last comments...after all, she made you wait a while too..and was quiet for a long time..remember?
You still want to be gracious...your link to your new baby granddaughter will depend on that. For sure, pray before you send a response.
Love in Jesus,
Maddie
Maddie
I have never even heard any omission of wrongdoing on their part never mind an apology.
I did have a background check done when she first left. I got his address and not too much else. Canada's privacy laws are pretty tough. The criminal database is sealed. I don't think he has a criminal record, I see him as more emotionally damaging rather than physical.
His disability is Chrons. His kids are 7 & I think 11 or 12. He home schools the kids. (He has full custody) The seven year old cannot read and the 12 year old cannot write, he can type but he apparently can't write letters???? Everything I see and hear about him is bad.
I will sleep on it tonight and see that words the Lord has for me.
Thanks!
Bonding with a grandchild and then being manipulated and emotionally blackmailed is extremely difficult. So I would guard your heart. Its a difficult tight rope at times imo.
I wouldn't do too much to pit her against him, it doesn't usually work, I think they gravitate more to the partner and then feel like they have to hang on to save face.
He sounds like he might feel guilty for her not having you in his life. And is trying to show pride, trying to get you to apologize. He knows who he is.
Its so tragic. I'm in the same boat, my son left the Pastor's daughter after 6 years and took up with a more or less criminal family and moved in with one of the daughters after 2 weeks split up.
He has put me through so much worry and headache. My heart truly goes out to you!
Pray, Pray, Pray.
I'm in Canada, whereabouts are they........got an address.....lol ;)