CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I have three ec out of seven. As I have mentioned before, all three are estrangements that my dh and I initiated, two of which are due to ongoing sexual immorality and one of those also being due to plans by one to marry her atheist boyfriend. What is adding to the pain is a sense of betrayal as our other Christian children (with the exception of one) refuse to support us in this and have carried on their relationship with our latest ec as if nothing has happened. In fact, one of our most committed Christian children who supported us in cutting ties with the first two, has criticized me for taking this stand with the recent ec who got engaged to an atheist and has since become pregnant before they have even married! The day I found out that our ed was pregnant by this man, one of our daughters called me up and instead of comforting me in having to deal with this after all I had gone through with the other two, wouldn't let me get in a word edgewise as she lambasted me for breaking ties with her sister. We did talk to the ec before taking this action and tried to turn her from carrying through with this marriage but no amount of pleading, no proof of scripture, nothing could turn her and so we did what we had to do. But the daughter who called us wouldn't listen. I ended up having to say goodbye in the middle of her tirade and hang up. She then messaged me and instead of apologizing said she doesn't want to argue about this and we will just have to agree to disagree. This only hurt me that much more. I don't know why she was willing to exercise Christian discipline with the other two and yet not with this one and then to criticize me and make all kinds of nasty accusations against me. It hit me hard and I feel betrayed by immediate family members who are not loving the prodigal enough to hold her accountable and to make her face the consequences. The daughter who called even blamed ME saying I was the problem because I was making it difficult for the rest of the family to relate to me AND to ed because of the stand I was taking. I suspect even dh is not following through on this. Which then, in the end, pits everyone against (save 1) of my immediate family against me. So whereas I am trying to move on, their behaviour is keeping it very much an issue within the family dynamics. It has put an icy chill between me and the ones who do not support me in this and a not-right something (can't put my finger on it) between me and my dh whom I suspect of not following through. And I know ED is only getting off on the fact that I have little support in this. Comments, advice, and commiserations most welcome!
I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”
Notice Paul says, not to associate with ANYONE who calls themselves a brother or sister. He does not restrict this to a church (little "c") member but ANYONE. So this is not talking to just the Corinthian church. Notice how he opens the letter to the Corinthians..
1Paul, called to be an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and our brother Sosthenes,
2To the church of God in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus and called to be his holy people, together with all those everywhere who call on the name of our Lord Jesus Christ—their Lord and ours: '
Therefore, what he says in this letter is to, as he says, "all those everywhere who call on the name Jesus Christ.."
That means to every Christian, to every Christian family, to every little c church,which is part of THE Church.
And just to say, ALL of the women on here seem to have been extremely loving, self-sacrificing, and diligent in the raising of their children in a Christian home and yet all that love did not KEEP some of them in the Way. What then makes we mothers think we can love them BACK to the Way when as adults and away from home, the world has the upper hand? No, when Israel sinned, God did not try to love them back he disciplined them which motivated them to turn back to Him. He didn't stop loving them but BECAUSE He loved them, he disciplined them to draw them back to Himself. True believers have the Holy Spirit living within them to draw them back and not in a vacuum but through the admonition and actions of fellow believers and especially their family. Do you not think that it has a huge impact on the AC when a loving mother (and/or father) has to cut off relations with an ac? They KNOW their mother (and/or father) loves them and it must be a huge cause for pause when the parent is willing to break that relationship out of love for them and their relationship to God. That their parent/parents are willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how painful to remove the protection, comfort and support of the family so that they will feel the heavy hand of God's discipline on them to draw them back into fellowship has to be a shock to them.
Even God the Father had to turn away from His son when He BECAME sin for us on the cross. Now that was not for discipline of Jesus as He was sinless but because He became sin for us, God had to look away. And Jesus felt that estrangement when He said "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Sin does that, it estranges us from God. It doesn't mean that we are no longer His child, but that we are in a "Divine Timeout" until we come to our senses. The prodigal son remembered the comforts and love of his home and repented and returned repentant.And as far as estrangement, after Adam and Eve sinned, the last time we hear of God even talking to them let alone walking with them in the garden, was when He was pronouncing the curses on the them and sending them out of the garden.. As Jesus told us, "Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. We always told our children that we love them but we love God more and not to ever make us chose because they would lose. We also taught them that their love for God should be based on scripture only and that they should also love God more than they loved us or anyone else. As Oswald Chambers put it, "In a conflict of loyalty, obey Christ. at all costs." Estrangement is a heavy, heartbreaking cost sometimes only for the parent when the AC has no love for God let alone their parents and are literally hell-bent on living according to the ways of the world.
Please show me where we are to deal with CHRISTIANS living in unrepentant ongoing sin by loving them into obedience to the word. Please show me where it says God overlooks a born again believer's ongoing unrepentant sin by saying something, like, I'm not happy about what you're doing but it's up to you to chose." No, it says He disciplines those He LOVES. He doesn't continue to have communion with them, He doesn't continue to bless them and He doesn't hear their prayers unless it is to repent. As our heavenly Father, He is the example to us as earthly parents. HE is the one whose commands we are to follow as Christians in all our earthly roles no matter what the cost.
How we deal with unbelievers is a completely different matter. But those who claim Christ MUST be held accountable and we must love them enough to suffer estrangement in our efforts joined to the HS within them to convict and draw them back.
This not going to be popular, but I am going to say it anyway out of sincere heartbreak for those of you who have chosen the path of trying to love them back at all costs.....
You suffer mental, emotional, and spiritual torment year in and year out as you placate, give money, take their abuse, and do whatever YOU think YOU can do to bring them back. You continue to suffer their abuse and or neglect when IT IS ONLY THE HOLY SPIRIT THAT WILL BRING THEM BACK (OR TO) CHRIST. I did such things for a short while until I could not stand the pain anymore and decided to follow what the sciptures say we should do. Oh the emotional, mental, and spiritual torment I suffered before! I prayed and prayed but found praying about it constantly only made things harder on me .(Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life). So, I finally left it at the foot of the cross and have not prayed about it since. God knows the desire of my heart regarding my EC because it is His as well. Only He can bring them back. And so, like the Prodigal Son's father, I go on with my life. At least he didn't have things like Facebook to deal with or other social media that keeps the sorrow in your face! I have blocked their postings from facebook and pretty much don't get on facebook at all anymore. They still have our phone number and email so they are able to contact us if they so desire. And I have to tell you, leaving it with God and getting on with my life in this way has released me from the torment. I am able to get on with my life and am able to follow what God wants me to do NOW. All I could do before was to cry, wring my hands, navel gazed and hear the never ending anquished cry of "why!!!!!!". I was nearly debilitated by it. I can't say I have "peace" about it. I'll never be at peace until they return to the Lord and to us but I am no longer held captive by it. And as I go about the job of living for Him, I keep my eyes on the horizon and on the sky!
"They still have our phone number and email so they are able to contact us if they so desire. And I have to tell you, leaving it with God and getting on with my life in this way has released me from the torment. I am able to get on with my life and am able to follow what God wants me to do NOW. All I could do before was to cry, wring my hands, navel gazed and hear the never ending anguished cry of "why!!!!!!". I was nearly debilitated by it. I can't say I have "peace" about it. I'll never be at peace until they return to the Lord and to us but I am no longer held captive by it. And as I go about the job of living for Him, I keep my eyes on the horizon and on the sky!"
Luke 21:28---And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh.
I AM WATCHING FOR SURE !
That should be our "go to" verse whenever we grieve over what is going on in the world and sadly, within our own families! For all you dear mothers, some comfort from Mark Lowry. Never fails to warm my heart and bring tears of joy https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=x7xlfObHzoA
The notes on 5:11 say if a true Christian has intimate association with someone who is living an immoral life the non-Christians may assume that the church approves such immoral, ungodly living and thus the name of Christ would be dishonored.
That's why I believe this is directed at the leaders of the church. If people are allowed to sin without it being directed to by the church then the non-Christians are confused. I believe that's what's happening today with churches saying things like being gay is ok.
Not much is said in the Bible about how to handle a child who's living in sin. Yes, we should never let them think it's ok. I'm just saying that God loves us no matter what the sin and we're to show God's love. The closest verse I can find is Eph. 4:32 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
I think a lot of EC don't want to talk to their parents because they have to deal with their guilt. It may be why my daughter didn't return until after she was married. That still brings up the question when you start talking to your children. The sin was still committed. I feel that sin is between my daughter, her husband and God.
I believe you can talk about the sin to your children and definitly you should. We have a right no matter our children's age to let them know that God should come first, not our desires. The choice is up to them.
What if they refuse to tithe? Should communication be cut off?
Blessings to you, sister!