Im so sorry for your pain. We all hurt for you as we have been there, are there, and try and deal with these devastating times in our life. Im one year and 3 months into this latest detachment. I lost 3 daughters who were my friends, I thought, and 7 grandchildren. I have cried just about every day for a year and yet crying does me worlds of good. Most of the time it is right by myself. I was driving while ago and saw a young man with a very young child crossing the street. That reminded me of "my favorite granddaughter" that I kept just because of love for 7 years. I grieve the most over her. I balled right there in the car. Do you remember the story behind "It is Well With My Soul"? I have thought of the man so often that wrote that. He lost all his daughters, 4 I think, at sea and had lost a son even before that. Funny that was always our favorite hymn and REALLY IS now. I have read alot this last year. I have to say God took me to books and then personality types, like narcissist, anything to make me understand more clearly what we are dealing with here. It ALL helped me. Once I read a book on Codependency, a Christian book, and some of those principles have really helped me heal and realize how so much of this takes time time time, what God will do in my life, and what His goal will be.... and so much of it is what you ladies are saying... to find out about me, and what does God want me to do with myself the rest of my life. My goal was like so many have said... the call, to raise my children and be home nurturing them. I answered the call but now we move on. This is an epidemic in this country... a sign of the times but dont we all want victory? I know I do with or without our EC.

Having a family was my number one goal in life! My children were my life. My ED has been gone 15 years and I have been knocked around with every emotion possible over that period of time. Difficult does not even begin to describe the years of dealing with my own grief, loss, anger, guilt, bitterness, sorrow, and depression. It is all a feeling of being lost. But, with prayer and faith I believe God can strengthen your heart and direct your path. The key is being patient with yourself. It has only been the last 5 years that I can talk out loud about it to my sister or my husband without crying, but the lump is still in my throat. As a mother, I'm damaged goods. It is what it is. But as a human being, a nurse, a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter, I'm "on my game!" In other words, we are all more that mothers...we are much more!

Amen!

Hello Barbyz! Rosearch and all the rest here have given much good advice and wisdom! The only thing I feel led to add is that I am one of the veteran's Rosearch referred to. I am new here to the Discussion group, but not new to EC. My first son left in 1998 and the remaining 2 in 2008. I just wanted to give my testimony in affirmation of what Rosearch said that life can be lived again someday and even enjoyed.

DH and I were told by Christian friends when the first one left in 1998, that we still had kids at home that needed us and we could not let the Estrangement and loss of one son stop us from being parents to the remaining 2, and then they added this....one day your sons will all be grown and then there will still be DH and you, just like there was DH and you before the kids came along, so don't put so much of your life into your kids that you lose each other in the process and end up in divorce when they are all grown.

Well I guess we took that advice pretty much to heart, because with each loss of EC we have made sure to draw closer to each other. That has helped me personally in the "living again" because DH needs me and I need him. DH and I have grabbed on to one another a whole lot tighter since they all left.

But I think the thing that has caused the "enjoyment" of life to flicker back to life now and then is when I can find a purpose for all our suffering in being able to be a help to someone else because of what God has taught me through all of this. I find that here so much and so often....and am so thankful to be here with all of you!!

The best explanation of what I mean is this....when the Lord was carrying that cross to Calvary, HE knew the depth of HIS suffering was going to bring us who accepted HIS death on that cross as payment for our sins the gift of eternal life....HIS death and suffering had great purpose and reward....it was not for nothing! Dear sisters, when we can take this horrific suffering our EC are putting us through and make it something positive in someone else's life...we will be on our way to living life again with joy!

I love what you said. So much rich wisdom in that.

The Lord has saved us in so many ways but there is a cost . Just as Gods cost of his son, we too have a cost. Our cost is following the Lord and not the flesh. Our cost has been releasing our children to the Lord to care for and trusting him to do it.

Rosesearch, God said the same thing to me "Can I love and trust Him no matter what happens?" It also helped to look in the Bible and see examples where children turned out "bad", but had nothing to do with the parents. If you read all the kings there can be a bad king, but son is a good king or a good king's son is a bad king. We don't ever stop being parents just because our EC stop talking to us. I'm still a parent. She can't take that away from me. I'll always love her no matter what she does. She can't stop me from praying for her which is the best thing I can do for her right now.
Barby, you're still a mother. Now you're a praying mother! Use this time to draw close to God. Missing our EC stinks, but trust God to take care of them and you. Satan will try to draw you away from God, but refuse!

Its been 10 years since I lost my ED. She will turn 30 in Nov. I have lost all of her twenties. What gets me through is knowing that Jesus will never leave us or forsake us. And emersing myself in bible studies, reading the word, volunteering, church, and most of all staying busy. I leave little time to sit and feel sorry for myself, cause there are people that are going through worse things then myself. So I just be thankful, for the small stuff, like eating a good meal that I cooked. Hope that helps you in the pain you feel. We all feel it too.

And its like a death. You never get over it, you just learn to live with it.

This pain is recent so I'm still on a crazy roller coaster of hope and despair. Reading this several times a day has helped so much. I had no idea so many Christian families were in the same boat. I'm trying very hard to take the advice and wise suggestions on here and I'm so grateful for it. I don't know you, but you are invaluable to me.

barby, Please be kind to yourself. Many of us have come through the greiving stages and often slip back. I know I do. Christian grief counseling can be very helpful, too. Acceptance is a key word for me. We still
pray knowing only God can change our EC. So thankful you have found this group of fine Christian mothers who have endured this pain of estrangement. We have the Lord and we have each other who understand.

Barb, maybe you could try something that helped me during a very difficult time in my life. I went through a period where my faith was tested and I got full of fear and anxiety to the point I was on the verge of a break down. A friend gave me a verse, and God used that verse to bring me out of a dark place.

The first verse was Rom 10:17 So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
That verse literally means that our faith is increased by "hearing" the Word of God spoken out loud.

The second verse was Isa 55:11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

So this verse means that God's word does not return void....it does what it says....It dawned on me then that if I read the Word of God out loud that I could absolutely count on what it said. My favorite book in the Bible is the Psalms.....King David was a man who knew sorrow and loss and the Psalms also are filled with God's promises to us in times of sorrow and loss. So I began to read the Psalms outloud to myself.

At first, like you Barb, I would have to return to reading them out loud many times during a day to get peace, just as you mentioned coming here often during a day comforts you. I would just read the Psalms out loud to myself until I got peace. In the beginning this took most of the day, but soon I was filled with peace for longer periods of time. Then finally just a month later, I was over the anxiety and full of peace and faith. It was not long after that that my prayers were answered and my situation turned around.

I began then to make a regular habit to speak the scriptures out loud into my life. The enemy for one thing will not remain where the Word is being spoken out loud for he hates to hear it. This then keeps him from tormenting us in our sorrow and from using that sorrow to gain a way into our hearts to hurt us further. And when we speak those promises of God out loud, this means they are going to work in our situations because God's word does not return void!

I also do what Weepingwillow does....stay busy!! I have studied more and read more books in the past 6 years than ever before in my life....that's turning some of this awfulness into a positive thing that the devil hates and I am all about doing things to make the enemy sorry he's done this to my family!

Also in the early days of our detachment, God had us so busy just trying to survive our financial losses and the personal attacks being made against us that we had little time to sit and think about the loss of our ES. Staying busy is so very important! The enemy is watching for ways to hurt us further....staying busy with our mind not on the hurt and pain, reading the word out loud keeps us insulated from the enemy, who is more than willing to make this misery worse for us every chance he gets!

I encourage you to interact with all of us here Barb often, we welcome the chance to get to know you better!!

I have a question for you folks. My husband and I were both raised in homes where family "stuff" was kept secret. So he feels that our son's decision to deny us access to his children should be a secret. I think if a mutual friend were to say to him "what on earth are you thinking"? our son might take a second look at it. Perhaps he would feel accountable. As long as we keep it secret, he can get away with anything he wants and we just eat it. I'm so very tired of being a doormat. What do you think?

Just recently I read something about accountability that really left an impression on me because it was based on these verses:

Mat 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
Mat 18:16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
Mat 18:17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

The point was made that these are the biblical guidelines that we were given for holding people accountable. Also if you go back to the Old Testament there had to be witnesses in certain situations when someone was held accountable.

I think I would study biblical principles, ask the Holy Spirit for guidance and go from there...

My reasons are this, Barb you and your DH are in the early stages here. Believe me, there are some things DH and I did in those days that I wish we had not done now, because we did more damage than good....and now can't undo them.

We tended to react to legalistically in those days and came off as unloving....not that I am saying it is ok to be abused by our EC either. Just advising caution and much prayer in your stage of this because the high degree of your hurt feelings right now makes discernment difficult and easy for the enemy to deceive in decisions that you make.

And although your ES may be getting away with this with your family and friends right now, always remember that he's not getting away with this with the only one who's opinion matters and that is God! Trust me I do know how hard a pill that is to swallow....because I did let our friends and family know just what our EC did to us...all I managed to do was to turn off our unsaved friends and family further from wanting to be "Christians" like us....now they really think we're crazy! If I had it to do over, I would not have told but only the ones that needed to know and had an answer prepared for those who did not need to know that would have maintained the dignity of our testimony as Christians and our privacy!

Barb sometimes i wish also i didnt tell anyone bout how my children have done but you have to say something or you feel like you will explode,my children are not totally estranged but i feel abused,hurt,and still doing things and still being abused,hurt.Its a horrilble coaster ride i let my guard down just to be put up again.Our feeling always being hurt they call when they need.I feel for you and my prayers for you.And if people only knew the things we have done for our children i am ashamed of it myself makes me sick to my stomache no one in there right mind would have done it."We helped till it hurt our relationship".