Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
A man who recently cut off contact with me is back...or was back. I am married, but fell in love with another man, who is single. It has been a tumultuous roller-coaster ride from hell for six months with this person. At first, he couldn't be with me because I was married (he said). Mind you, this was after he pursued me knowing what my marital status was. He didn't leave me alone though. It was back-and-forth. I have attempted to cut off contact twice, but weakened and could not make it stick. He blows hot and cold and during his 'cold' periods, I get clingy and desperate. I have OCD, which exacerbates this reaction.
After he came back this time, we had a couple days of very pleasant conversation and then it went off the rails last evening. He is obsessed with involving other people...threesomes, etc...only with me. I find this odd in itself, as he has only had non-online sex with me once, back in December. (We usually have cybersex. He makes dates with me, but invariably cancels them. This happened yesterday, in fact, but we had nice chats in spite of this.) I am open to involving more people, however. I made some suggestions of people I know who would also be open to it and who we could involve. I believe it was a mistake and may have upset him...the fact that he knew these people and that they seem to be interested in me. I have told him over and over that I only want him and any others would be to make him happy, not for me.
So, I finally asked him why he could not see me. He said we would eventually see each other again and it was complicated, but he would try to explain. His first reason was that, if he had sex with me again, he knew he would want it constantly...daily...and that was impossible since I am married. He said this scared him. Then he said the other reason was that he wanted me closer, for whatever reason. Living within 10 minutes of him. He then said that he was alone at home, doing nothing. If I lived within 10 minutes, I could come see him. I said I could, anyway. I am only 30 minutes away and willing to make the trip. I asked why I couldn't. He said he didn't know, it was just the way his mind worked. I told him it made no sense. He said sorry. I told him he was hurting me. He said sorry and 'I should have said nothing' and has ignored me since. Of course, my OCD kicked in and I sent him a bunch of desperate messages, which he did not respond to.
WTF? This 'reason' for not seeing me is beyond ridiculous and I feel he was being deliberately cruel. I have been crying off-and-on since. In the cold sober light of day, I wish I could take back the pathetic messages I sent, but that is impossible.
Going forward, i know N/C is the way to go, but it is impossible at the moment. There is a function coming up at my home in a month and a half and he is a key player. I will have to stay in contact at least until then.
I love this guy, but he shows signs of being a narcissist, so I am trying not to blame the way he treats me on my own shortcomings. He pontificates on his Facebook page and has a 'harem' of adoring female 'friends' who hang on his every word and pump up his ego. he does not take criticism well at all. He loves to play the internet troll game and is often cutting and cruel in his remarks. he told me his relationship with his ex-wife was one of love/hate and like an addiction. He told me he is addicted to me. Perhaps this is just how he relates to women.
His Facebook status today has a piece about a person who cheats on their spouse being a failure to himself and his family. perhaps so, but can you spell 'hypocrisy'?
I am drained, depressed, tired of crying over this man.
After he came back this time, we had a couple days of very pleasant conversation and then it went off the rails last evening. He is obsessed with involving other people...threesomes, etc...only with me. I find this odd in itself, as he has only had non-online sex with me once, back in December. (We usually have cybersex. He makes dates with me, but invariably cancels them. This happened yesterday, in fact, but we had nice chats in spite of this.) I am open to involving more people, however. I made some suggestions of people I know who would also be open to it and who we could involve. I believe it was a mistake and may have upset him...the fact that he knew these people and that they seem to be interested in me. I have told him over and over that I only want him and any others would be to make him happy, not for me.
So, I finally asked him why he could not see me. He said we would eventually see each other again and it was complicated, but he would try to explain. His first reason was that, if he had sex with me again, he knew he would want it constantly...daily...and that was impossible since I am married. He said this scared him. Then he said the other reason was that he wanted me closer, for whatever reason. Living within 10 minutes of him. He then said that he was alone at home, doing nothing. If I lived within 10 minutes, I could come see him. I said I could, anyway. I am only 30 minutes away and willing to make the trip. I asked why I couldn't. He said he didn't know, it was just the way his mind worked. I told him it made no sense. He said sorry. I told him he was hurting me. He said sorry and 'I should have said nothing' and has ignored me since. Of course, my OCD kicked in and I sent him a bunch of desperate messages, which he did not respond to.
WTF? This 'reason' for not seeing me is beyond ridiculous and I feel he was being deliberately cruel. I have been crying off-and-on since. In the cold sober light of day, I wish I could take back the pathetic messages I sent, but that is impossible.
Going forward, i know N/C is the way to go, but it is impossible at the moment. There is a function coming up at my home in a month and a half and he is a key player. I will have to stay in contact at least until then.
I love this guy, but he shows signs of being a narcissist, so I am trying not to blame the way he treats me on my own shortcomings. He pontificates on his Facebook page and has a 'harem' of adoring female 'friends' who hang on his every word and pump up his ego. he does not take criticism well at all. He loves to play the internet troll game and is often cutting and cruel in his remarks. he told me his relationship with his ex-wife was one of love/hate and like an addiction. He told me he is addicted to me. Perhaps this is just how he relates to women.
His Facebook status today has a piece about a person who cheats on their spouse being a failure to himself and his family. perhaps so, but can you spell 'hypocrisy'?
I am drained, depressed, tired of crying over this man.
Cindy, is this function you have coming up more important than your marriage? I ask because I feel like I know this OM, he shares so many warning signs with my exOM. Mine would be with me one night, then invite himself to watch football with my H the next day. Being allowed into your home is going to be a giant kick for him, because it's such an insult to your husband. That kind of high will just make him want to dig his hooks in deeper. Remember, it's not personal. None of it is about you as much as it is about watching you dance like a puppet.
What kind of event could be worth letting a predator into your home?
Not sure where to start here. I assume you are aware of the possible consequences etc. of cheating on your spouse. You've got a long ways to go, since you are still not fully out of the A and done with it. Do you have a desire to stop cheating and get on track with your marriage? That would be the first question. Give us some history of your marriage and where you would like to see yourself going with all of this.
I have been bored/disillusioned with my marriage for probably 15 years. I have come close to having affairs before and did, indeed, have an online affair with a man in France that lasted four years. After the roller-coaster started with this current affair, I was given the advice to go N/C and to find a replacement. I did go on Plenty of Fish and I found another man. He is also married. We meet from time to time and have a good time when we are together. He in no way has replaced the first man. I, of course, was not able to maintain N/C and the Narc consumes my thoughts.
I am not sure whether I want to stop cheating or not. That is just honest. My sex drive at the moment is huge and sex is not one of my husband's string points. We also argue about travelling (I want to, he doesn't), have different taste in entertainment (with the exception of attending rock concerts) and basically lead fairly separate lives under the same roof. however, the thought of untangling a 26-year marriage is daunting and I know he would be devastated.
The ruffled feathers are because he can be abrasive and insulting when things don't go his way or when he is criticized. I have not heard of any other affairs, but that does not mean there haven't been any, I suppose.
When we first hooked up, he told me he could not see me because I was married and that was 'not him'. He had never done such a thing before. I found it curious, since it was definitely him who chased me; not vis versa, and he knew I was married. I believed him, of course. Now I wonder.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/women-who-love-too-much
What you have to decide is how much bullshit you're willing to tolerate. Because from the sounds of it, he maintains a dump truck full of BS in his backyard, ready for any occasion. This running hot and cold stuff, that's just immature and cruel. And telling you that it's "not him" to have an A with a married woman, yet he pursued you for six months and eventually had sex with you in December? Umm.
And now, in April you're still obsessing over him because he comes and goes out of your life. He is a community pillar who has followers. He holds prestige and power. I may be making a bit assumption here, but when he shows you attention, do you suppose that you subconsciously feel important, valuable because someone "like him" is showing interest in you?
Let me put it this way. Imagine this: you're having an affair with a nice man. You like him but he didn't hang the moon. You don't obsess over him, but he's there. Would you put up with this behavior from him or would decide it wasn't worth the time? I think it would be the latter, rather than the former.
I think you are as enthralled with WHAT he is in the community than WHO he is, as a person. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh but he sounds like a big fish in a small pond. Clout and prestige go a long way and he's using those to his advantage, especially with you and his harem.
I find it reprehensible that he didn't at least have the courtesy to respond to your "desperate" messages, too. What an ass! At very least he could've told you that he appreciated your sentiments. When OM broke up with me on Tuesday, I did something very uncharacteristic of me and I called him, pleading him to rethink breaking up with me (because he was overreacting). Of course my groveling just made him want to get away from me even more. LOL. I haven't bothered him since. So I know what you mean when you're like "ugh" after begging and pleading. What a sinking feeling.
As far as the party, it sounds like you have a big property and he will probably be surrounded by people all evening. Wherever he is, make sure you aren't there. If you're talking in a group and he comes up to join, wait a minute or two and then excuse yourself to "check on something" which is legit since you're the hostess. Try not to be alone in the kitchen or anything like that b/c he might look for that opportunity to prey on you. Trust me, as someone who is a MASTER at avoiding people, you CAN skirt him the entire evening. Yes at some point(s) you will have to smile at him, and greet him and say a polite goodbye, but you are the wife of the house, the hostess of the party, and you are NOT Mr. Big Wig's play thing.
I'm glad you found this group, I've been leaning HEAVILY on these folks over the past week and they have been a tremendous support. Welcome.
However, I don't know if that is the whole story or not. I am enthralled with him, but not just for that. He does have a way with words and, when he is nice to me, he makes me feel like a queen. When he is not, I feel like dirt. That is why it reminds me of a rollercoaster.
fibrejunkie had a theory on the 10-minute thing when I posted this in a different group and it makes sense to me. She believes that he has other women and won't wait the half-hour for me to get there if '10 Minute Girl' is available...:(