Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
A man who recently cut off contact with me is back...or was back. I am married, but fell in love with another man, who is single. It has been a tumultuous roller-coaster ride from hell for six months with this person. At first, he couldn't be with me because I was married (he said). Mind you, this was after he pursued me knowing what my marital status was. He didn't leave me alone though. It was back-and-forth. I have attempted to cut off contact twice, but weakened and could not make it stick. He blows hot and cold and during his 'cold' periods, I get clingy and desperate. I have OCD, which exacerbates this reaction.
After he came back this time, we had a couple days of very pleasant conversation and then it went off the rails last evening. He is obsessed with involving other people...threesomes, etc...only with me. I find this odd in itself, as he has only had non-online sex with me once, back in December. (We usually have cybersex. He makes dates with me, but invariably cancels them. This happened yesterday, in fact, but we had nice chats in spite of this.) I am open to involving more people, however. I made some suggestions of people I know who would also be open to it and who we could involve. I believe it was a mistake and may have upset him...the fact that he knew these people and that they seem to be interested in me. I have told him over and over that I only want him and any others would be to make him happy, not for me.
So, I finally asked him why he could not see me. He said we would eventually see each other again and it was complicated, but he would try to explain. His first reason was that, if he had sex with me again, he knew he would want it constantly...daily...and that was impossible since I am married. He said this scared him. Then he said the other reason was that he wanted me closer, for whatever reason. Living within 10 minutes of him. He then said that he was alone at home, doing nothing. If I lived within 10 minutes, I could come see him. I said I could, anyway. I am only 30 minutes away and willing to make the trip. I asked why I couldn't. He said he didn't know, it was just the way his mind worked. I told him it made no sense. He said sorry. I told him he was hurting me. He said sorry and 'I should have said nothing' and has ignored me since. Of course, my OCD kicked in and I sent him a bunch of desperate messages, which he did not respond to.
WTF? This 'reason' for not seeing me is beyond ridiculous and I feel he was being deliberately cruel. I have been crying off-and-on since. In the cold sober light of day, I wish I could take back the pathetic messages I sent, but that is impossible.
Going forward, i know N/C is the way to go, but it is impossible at the moment. There is a function coming up at my home in a month and a half and he is a key player. I will have to stay in contact at least until then.
I love this guy, but he shows signs of being a narcissist, so I am trying not to blame the way he treats me on my own shortcomings. He pontificates on his Facebook page and has a 'harem' of adoring female 'friends' who hang on his every word and pump up his ego. he does not take criticism well at all. He loves to play the internet troll game and is often cutting and cruel in his remarks. he told me his relationship with his ex-wife was one of love/hate and like an addiction. He told me he is addicted to me. Perhaps this is just how he relates to women.
His Facebook status today has a piece about a person who cheats on their spouse being a failure to himself and his family. perhaps so, but can you spell 'hypocrisy'?
I am drained, depressed, tired of crying over this man.
After he came back this time, we had a couple days of very pleasant conversation and then it went off the rails last evening. He is obsessed with involving other people...threesomes, etc...only with me. I find this odd in itself, as he has only had non-online sex with me once, back in December. (We usually have cybersex. He makes dates with me, but invariably cancels them. This happened yesterday, in fact, but we had nice chats in spite of this.) I am open to involving more people, however. I made some suggestions of people I know who would also be open to it and who we could involve. I believe it was a mistake and may have upset him...the fact that he knew these people and that they seem to be interested in me. I have told him over and over that I only want him and any others would be to make him happy, not for me.
So, I finally asked him why he could not see me. He said we would eventually see each other again and it was complicated, but he would try to explain. His first reason was that, if he had sex with me again, he knew he would want it constantly...daily...and that was impossible since I am married. He said this scared him. Then he said the other reason was that he wanted me closer, for whatever reason. Living within 10 minutes of him. He then said that he was alone at home, doing nothing. If I lived within 10 minutes, I could come see him. I said I could, anyway. I am only 30 minutes away and willing to make the trip. I asked why I couldn't. He said he didn't know, it was just the way his mind worked. I told him it made no sense. He said sorry. I told him he was hurting me. He said sorry and 'I should have said nothing' and has ignored me since. Of course, my OCD kicked in and I sent him a bunch of desperate messages, which he did not respond to.
WTF? This 'reason' for not seeing me is beyond ridiculous and I feel he was being deliberately cruel. I have been crying off-and-on since. In the cold sober light of day, I wish I could take back the pathetic messages I sent, but that is impossible.
Going forward, i know N/C is the way to go, but it is impossible at the moment. There is a function coming up at my home in a month and a half and he is a key player. I will have to stay in contact at least until then.
I love this guy, but he shows signs of being a narcissist, so I am trying not to blame the way he treats me on my own shortcomings. He pontificates on his Facebook page and has a 'harem' of adoring female 'friends' who hang on his every word and pump up his ego. he does not take criticism well at all. He loves to play the internet troll game and is often cutting and cruel in his remarks. he told me his relationship with his ex-wife was one of love/hate and like an addiction. He told me he is addicted to me. Perhaps this is just how he relates to women.
His Facebook status today has a piece about a person who cheats on their spouse being a failure to himself and his family. perhaps so, but can you spell 'hypocrisy'?
I am drained, depressed, tired of crying over this man.
A narcissist looks for the reflection of himself in the eyes of others, where it is accessible, touchable, and he can have control over it. The person has no value to him whatsoever, no more than the water had value to Narcissus. Gathering many mirrors to him means not having to risk being without his image, so he secures every source of supply possible. Once he considers you a source of supply, he is loathe to let you go. If you no longer reflect an adoring image of him, you simply cease to exist. Rather than stay at the waters edge and starve, he will simply turn to the next available mirror and gaze there.
If there is a '10 Minute Girl' available to him, for as long as he can see his image in her eyes, yours do not exist. Only when that image fails do yours (not You...this is not personal, remember?) become ultimately important to him.
My exOM Narc spent years grooming me for the part, the husband of my best friend, a super intelligent expert that people in the community counted on. The only way he could be more admired was with a trophy on his arm. He did not like sex, a problem for his wife as she has a healthy appetite, but would perform as necessary to keep from losing his source of supply, to continue to have the women of the community see him as a good husband and father. When that was not enough and he wanted the guys to see him as a player as well, he came after me. Over the course of a year we had sex only 3 times, the first two almost didn't count, he quit so quickly. No satisfaction for either of us, but it was enough to keep me thinking he wanted me, and that kept me hooked so it worked for him. He'd give only enough to maintain his source of supply. The one time I got him to go all the way, rather than bringing us closer, he was disgusted with himself to have given so much and had to pull away. But even that didn't stop him from trying to hook me again a few months later.
Sam Vaknin, famous Narc writer, describes two types of Narcs, the Sexual and the Intellectual. The Sexual is obvious and will bang anyone who makes them feel attractive. The Intellectual really prefers to be valued for his genius and dislikes sex, sees sexual people as inferior. This person will use sex only as a last resort, and be disappointed in himself for having stooped so low, in order to keep a mirror from walking away. One exception, he will use sex for reproduction, as this will provide lots of little mirrors who will spend those first few years of life worshiping him. Once they reach an age where they question him, the children are dispensable and he will disconnect from them except for when they become desperate enough for his attention to agree with him on everything. The same hot/cold system of approval/rejection he uses on women.
Mine was done with me when he learned that I could have provided him with a child and chose not to (I took the morning after pill). I would have been the fourth (at least, maybe more) woman to provide him with a child and if I wouldn't give him that I was worthless. That was when he strangled me to the point of blacking out and shoved me out of his truck, like trash, in our driveway. That was our ending.
My blog posts related to narcissism:
http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/category/narcissism-sociopathy/
The best blog I've ever read about the topic:
http://paularenee.wordpress.com/
Im M for 17 yrs, together for 22. We have 2 kids 8 and 22 months. My H is p/a. I met and fell in love (what i thought was love) with OM. After living my own roller-coaster (great description btw) I've come to learn that he was a sexual narcissist. He also fit the description of a sociopath. I learned a whole lot in the last few months from my friends here and suggested reading, not only about OM, but myself and my H as well. My H does not know. We have many issues prior to my 2.5 yr A and we've been working on them. Went to MC on/off for almost a yr. i ended my A a few times, and he kept creeping back in with stronger words and "feelings" of "love" for me and i always caved. We last saw each other 3/22. I've instated NC 3/25. A week later he txts me 4/7 and 4/8 with lame attempts at baiting me, probably another lie, but i knew what to look for now. I ignored him. And haven't heard from him since. 21 days today.
Either way, i am going thru a shitload of emotions - guilt, shame, feeling used and lied to by OM ( i know that will sound hypocritical, but i cant help the feelings). Im at a loss, confused, changed the way i look at myself and people in general. I feel like everyone's a liar, they all are fakes with ulterior motives.
My point is, you are in love with "him" but narcs dont show their true self. You're in love with who he portrayed himself to be. It's Very hard not to be fooled. Go with your gut. It sux you can't get out of this upcoming event. Once its done, stay NC. It's the only way you will get your sanity back and not feel so drained and depressed. But its a process. A painful one. You'll find support here.
Hugs are always welcome, thanks :)
fibrejunkie, your story is horrific. I will learn more about the intellectual narcissist. As I say, I have only had sex once with mine. I wondered at times if he really likes sex. He told me he had not had sex with anyone for years before me. Now, all of a sudden, he wants to have sex with me and others at the same time...except that he breaks every date he makes with me and we only have cybersex. That you only did with yours 3 times in one year is interesting, because, of course, I blamed myself. If only I were prettier, younger, sexier...having said that, he tells me I was 'so amazing' the one time we did have sex.
I am honestly not sure there really is a '10 minute girl'...or if there is, whether he would actually have sex with her. I think it might just have been an excuse. Hard to say.
He also told me that I was so sensual and sexual that 'no man could satisfy your pussy.' Huh?
All just excuses, I think...
Another telling thing...we rarely talk about me. It is usually either about him or about sex. However, there have been a few significant things that i have told him along the way. I sent a dumb drunken email one time in December. I said a lot of emotional stuff that he would not like, but also mentioned that I had a cyst I was worried about that had just been found on an ultrasound. I am a cancer survivor and was scared. He emailed back that he would reserve comment/judgement since I was intoxicated. Never ever asked about the cyst or acknowledged that I was scared. I later told him that it turned out benign. He did not remember that I had told him anything at all. The same with my father being deceased. I said something about my father and he said, 'Oh does he still do that?'. I said 'He is dead'. He said sorry, but I have told him before...It is like he retains nothing about me...yet, he seems to retain these details about his female friends...
I agree with fiber, though. Formal diagnosis doesn't matter so much as your own experiences and knowing that he is an unhealthy person for you.
BTW, I think he likes masturbation, just not sex with real people. He likes to tell me what he wants to do to me. He likes to show me himself on cam and look at me on cam (I do not like 'cam sex', but admit he has convinced me to show him my breasts on a few occasions. I made sure my face was not in the shot).
I am torn. I want him to stay away and never contact me again, but I also want to hear from him. I am determined that I will not make the first move. How did you get away from the wanting?