Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Here Goes... Met hubby 20 years ago while we were still married to other people. (I'm 46 He' s 58). Hubby was in military (Desert Storm), works in law enforcement and is the oldest of 7 siblings. He never was emotionally available but he was a nice guy. My last marriage was physically and emotionally abusive and he was a breath of fresh air. Never raised his voice, yeeled or curse at me, he is the "go with the flow" kind of guy. I on the other hand, I was an insecure emotionally needly person. Never had a dad and always dated guys 8+ older than me. I took his lack of emotion as a guy who had "control" over his emotions.
We eventually divorced our spouses and married each other. We have a son together (now 16). He is still that easy going guy and a great provided and great father. Throughout our marriage I expressed my feeling of lonliness and his lack of expressing emotions. In the beginning, I expressed my love' feelings and emotions but they were never reciporiated. I was the one to say "I love you". He rarely rememberted birthdays' anniversaries, mother's day or anything that required an expression of affection. When I did receive gifts, they were the gifts that required no thought. I've gotten so many itunes giftcards that I asked him to stop buying them. I shared my feelings begging him to treat me more like a wife rather than a maid and a mother. He would just give me dumb looks. Rarely took me out to eat unless I made the suggestions. When I asked him if he loved me his reponse was always yes but his actions said otherwise. We are great roommates but lousy spouses. My hubby spends most of his time online. He has had numerous emotional affairs and there have been many online affairs and I have found countless pictures of other women his phone. Some sexual oin nature. He has had online sex ans well as phone sex. He's home every night and weekends. He rearely bleaves the house and has no friends or buddies that come by the house or to hang out with. I shred with him how I feel neglected because heb is always online....Goes on deaf ears.
The straw that broke the camels back came in June 2013 when I was in the hospital following gastric bypass surgery. He didn't come to see me stating he lost track of time. Right then and there I made the conscious decision that I was going to have an affair. Just so happen, I had this guy who was my card playing partner. I will call "Wayne". Wayne was the lonely old man with 2 dogs. Overweight, SSI, workmans comp king etc...definately not someone I would see myself with but Wayne is a great guy. Happy, likes to help people before he got sick, he was a general contractor for 27 years...very handy..use to be a mechanic...good with tools...can fix anything. Prior to June 2013, Wayne was very tight with my family. HE adores my 16 year old. He has been to basketball games, concrets, takes him to school every morning and treats my son like the son he never had. Once I came home from the hospital, lets just say my husband wasn't very nurturing or helpful. I suffered a lot and hubby wasn't there emotionally..IN COMES WAYNE...he begins to drive my to my medical appointments and we became closer. He really was worried about me, called me every day to check on me etc...Make a long story short, Wayne confesses how he has been watching me for years and how he had strong feeling for me. I went for it...I cnfessed that i was in an emotional less marriage and my husband showed me no love, attention or affection...He appied for the job and I gave it to him.
Since June 2013, Wayne has treated me like ROYALITY!!! He comes from the fields on North Carolina and he really know how to treat a woman. Ladies...when I say bhe came house broken...thats putting it lightly. He gives me weekly allowance, drives me back and forth to work, takes me out to eat 3x per week. Ironicaly he suffers from Erectile Dysfunction therefore, there is very little penetrative sex but he leaves my body like a crime scene! Finger prints and saliva everywhere! I haven't felt this level of sexual excitment in 30 years. He really loves me and I love him. I cook for him, shop for him, I have given him a laptop, a car, an ipod I buy his clothes, keep his medical appointments and paybhis bills (he gives me the $ for the bills). He says a woman like me deserves to be happy
Here is the problem...Can't see myself without either man. Hubby is very impt to my son and our "family image to our family and friends. Wayne has become my knight in shining amour. Wayne treats me like a wife is suppose to be treated. When I found out my mom had cancer, Wayne was there. Another odd thing...Hubby has no problem with me and Wayne"s "friendship". Hubby never questions it. Wayne comes and makes all the repairs in my house, splits my wood, repairs my cars and even drove me and my son from Penn to South Carolina for Christmas and Thanksgiving cause hubby had to work. Hubby thought it was a great idea that Wayne drove his wife 800 alone. Wayne says he understands my perdiciment and accepts the situation because he has never felt this level of love his entire life. He understands that if I leave my hubby, I leave my son and that I WON'T do. Also, hubby and i are financially tied at the hip. 270k mortage, 40k credit card debt, 150k retirement plan plus the best state and city healthcare in the world. Not to mention that I am not ready to leave my home. This is the first house I ever owned and I'm not ready to part with it. Hubby and I continue to sleep in the same bed but there is no touching or anything. He comes to bed after I am sleep and I'm out of the bed before he wakes up.
Don't know how long it's going to last. As long as everyone stays in their lane, I'll ride it til the wheels come off.
We eventually divorced our spouses and married each other. We have a son together (now 16). He is still that easy going guy and a great provided and great father. Throughout our marriage I expressed my feeling of lonliness and his lack of expressing emotions. In the beginning, I expressed my love' feelings and emotions but they were never reciporiated. I was the one to say "I love you". He rarely rememberted birthdays' anniversaries, mother's day or anything that required an expression of affection. When I did receive gifts, they were the gifts that required no thought. I've gotten so many itunes giftcards that I asked him to stop buying them. I shared my feelings begging him to treat me more like a wife rather than a maid and a mother. He would just give me dumb looks. Rarely took me out to eat unless I made the suggestions. When I asked him if he loved me his reponse was always yes but his actions said otherwise. We are great roommates but lousy spouses. My hubby spends most of his time online. He has had numerous emotional affairs and there have been many online affairs and I have found countless pictures of other women his phone. Some sexual oin nature. He has had online sex ans well as phone sex. He's home every night and weekends. He rearely bleaves the house and has no friends or buddies that come by the house or to hang out with. I shred with him how I feel neglected because heb is always online....Goes on deaf ears.
The straw that broke the camels back came in June 2013 when I was in the hospital following gastric bypass surgery. He didn't come to see me stating he lost track of time. Right then and there I made the conscious decision that I was going to have an affair. Just so happen, I had this guy who was my card playing partner. I will call "Wayne". Wayne was the lonely old man with 2 dogs. Overweight, SSI, workmans comp king etc...definately not someone I would see myself with but Wayne is a great guy. Happy, likes to help people before he got sick, he was a general contractor for 27 years...very handy..use to be a mechanic...good with tools...can fix anything. Prior to June 2013, Wayne was very tight with my family. HE adores my 16 year old. He has been to basketball games, concrets, takes him to school every morning and treats my son like the son he never had. Once I came home from the hospital, lets just say my husband wasn't very nurturing or helpful. I suffered a lot and hubby wasn't there emotionally..IN COMES WAYNE...he begins to drive my to my medical appointments and we became closer. He really was worried about me, called me every day to check on me etc...Make a long story short, Wayne confesses how he has been watching me for years and how he had strong feeling for me. I went for it...I cnfessed that i was in an emotional less marriage and my husband showed me no love, attention or affection...He appied for the job and I gave it to him.
Since June 2013, Wayne has treated me like ROYALITY!!! He comes from the fields on North Carolina and he really know how to treat a woman. Ladies...when I say bhe came house broken...thats putting it lightly. He gives me weekly allowance, drives me back and forth to work, takes me out to eat 3x per week. Ironicaly he suffers from Erectile Dysfunction therefore, there is very little penetrative sex but he leaves my body like a crime scene! Finger prints and saliva everywhere! I haven't felt this level of sexual excitment in 30 years. He really loves me and I love him. I cook for him, shop for him, I have given him a laptop, a car, an ipod I buy his clothes, keep his medical appointments and paybhis bills (he gives me the $ for the bills). He says a woman like me deserves to be happy
Here is the problem...Can't see myself without either man. Hubby is very impt to my son and our "family image to our family and friends. Wayne has become my knight in shining amour. Wayne treats me like a wife is suppose to be treated. When I found out my mom had cancer, Wayne was there. Another odd thing...Hubby has no problem with me and Wayne"s "friendship". Hubby never questions it. Wayne comes and makes all the repairs in my house, splits my wood, repairs my cars and even drove me and my son from Penn to South Carolina for Christmas and Thanksgiving cause hubby had to work. Hubby thought it was a great idea that Wayne drove his wife 800 alone. Wayne says he understands my perdiciment and accepts the situation because he has never felt this level of love his entire life. He understands that if I leave my hubby, I leave my son and that I WON'T do. Also, hubby and i are financially tied at the hip. 270k mortage, 40k credit card debt, 150k retirement plan plus the best state and city healthcare in the world. Not to mention that I am not ready to leave my home. This is the first house I ever owned and I'm not ready to part with it. Hubby and I continue to sleep in the same bed but there is no touching or anything. He comes to bed after I am sleep and I'm out of the bed before he wakes up.
Don't know how long it's going to last. As long as everyone stays in their lane, I'll ride it til the wheels come off.
Did you confront him when you found out about his infidelity? It sounds like he checked out of the M long before you did. Im wondering if thats why hes ok with the "friendship" you have w Wayne.
After people are together /M for a long period of time, it seems not so far fetched that we become comfortable with each other. Let our guards down a bit. When the stresses and life get in the way we get tired, burnt out, become roommates and may not invest the time and energy into our relationships. It's so invigorating when we are found interesting, attractive, funny, sexy, etc. these things happen with new relationships and its easy to fall into an A.
Have you suggested MC? You're both missing something at home and ate not being fulfilled emotionally, physically. If you both want the M to work, invest in it. Give it all you've got before moving on.
Keep posting.
Hugs to you.
It is very common for people to stay married for all the reasons you listed, and to look outside the marriage to fill in the holes. Don't be so sure your husband would be okay with it if he found out you are sleeping with Wayne. My H was having an affair and became insanely jealous when he realized someone else was filling in for him. Even though he was treating me a lot like your husband is treating you, he made my life even more hellish when he figured out I might be interested in someone else.
So as Tantric said, guard yourself. This could very well blow up in your face.
i think from your post that you have pretty much decided to let life dictate where this goes.. not sure if you want that to happen.. or if you want to be in more control of your destiny..
sounds like your h may already know, and is willing to allow it. sounds to me like he has checked out years ago, maybe from the start.. you are allowed to be happy, but i think for yourself, you should take a little more control, and if your not happy in your M than find a way out, and do this the right way, for your own piece of mind..
if it all blows up you will not be prepared for it..and that wouldnt be good, and your H could make it very rough on you..and you could find yourself in financial trouble..so, make a plan, and prepare best you can so you dont find yourself in ruins..
good luck and keep us posted.. i dont know about guarding yourself, but make a plan, and stay in control..
just my thoughts..
heard
Good luck and keep posting so we can help you.
My H did check out of the marriage even before it started. I once asked him why he married me and his reply was "I had to...You wanted to be married". Guess I made my bed but I don't have to be unhappy in it. You are all right when you say I must have a plan...In my eyes, I am in control by maintaining my own job (I'm a HS teacher of 20 years), choosing to get healthy (Had gastric bypass and lost 60 pounds so far), enjoying life and having fun without him (just came from Mardi Grais in New Orleans with 8 other girlfriends) and putting my energy into what makes me happy which is teaching and getting involved with the students.
I also have checked out bof this marriage. Lord knows I tried to save it. We went to marriage counseling and he sat there the whole time with very little to say. When I asked him why he didn't participate, his response was "I did what you ask me to do". My H ALWAYS do what I ask him. The problem is...I must ask. I am no longer interested in my H but I do want to hold onto the security of being married. I don't think H has the emotional ability to substain a marriage. He's not willing to put in the emotional work. I one asked him if he found out I was cheating' would he fight for me? He looked into my eyes and said "NO...if that's whatb you choose to do, that's your choice". I explained to him how heart broken I was that I wasn't worth fighting for. he said he's not that type of guy. I warned him that someone was going to take his wife and kid and he just shrugged his shoulders. This conversation took place about 4 years ago and...here I am.
Here is my question...How do I take more control? I'm very honest and upfront with Wayne that I never plan to divorce as long as we are financially tied to the hip. Wayne has instructed me to let my H come to me to discuss the problems in our marriage this way, he's (my husband) ready for discussion. My H lives his life with his head in the sand. He doesn't like to confront his emotions. This leaves me to believing he doesn't care and that I am not important. I come and go as I please. Some nights I don't come home at all (I spend at least 2 nights a week at Wayne's house). When i don't come home' I tell my husband that I'm sleeping over my girlfriend's house to shorten my 2 hour one way commute to work. He just goes along with whatever I say.
What else should my plan onclude?
My advice on this point is to find a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", by Patricia Evans. In it she describes the concept of withholding as a very covert form of control, which is the goal of verbal abuse. When we are involved with a withholder we have nothing concrete to point at and say 'this is abusive'. There is no name calling, no criticism, nothing negative per se...just an empty space where the connected relationship is supposed to be, and a lot of crazy making when you try to point out the invisible problems.
There's a follow up to the book that can help you decide if your husband is the kind of person who can pull his head out of his ass and fix it, or if you need to move on. All the books are available on Kindle for PC, a free download and the books are then only a few bucks each.
I knew there were problems before we married. My insecurities, my desperate need for my OWN stable family, H offered be a better life for me and my son. He was alcohol and drug free (unlike 1st hubby) and he didn't run the streets. I ignored the lack of emotions as him being in control of his emotions and him being a strong stable man, I'm talking tall, dark and handsome here. My family loved him. My firends loved him. He made heads turn when he entered a room. What a shot for my self-esteem. I rationalized that this was his personality and I could deal with it. Fast foward 20 years, I can't handle the emotional distance any more.
Whoda...I need to disagree with you. I am NOT the same woman. I tried over and over to make it work. I begged for attention, love, understanding and for him to treat me as his wife. No longer do I wallow in my self pity. I accept that I married out of desperation. I really loved and admired this man at some point in my life. I saw so much potential in my future. I had so much to offer and was trying really hard to be a good honest and dutiful wife. I'm the type of woman that had no problem being submissive to my husband and to have me lead my famioly. The problem is, he didnt have the emotional stability to lead me or this family. NOw...I realize I cant change him. Like Popeyes said...I am what I am...I changed me and my mindset. I deserve love, attention, lust, affection and support. H wasnt able to give it to me...Hence me going outside my marriage.
Feel free to correct me if I'm way off base.