Hi Getting,

First, can I ask how long was your W was in the A before you caught them?

Do you know if your W is addicted to her former AP ?

Or, did your W fall in love with her former AP ?



The reason for your W's depression is that she MAY ( with heavy emphasis on MAY) be grieving her AP.

I'm a former OW, whose A has never been discovered, and I went through some depression too because I was grieving my former AP.

Here is my thread that I shared on the subject.

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/cheaters-anonymous/discussion/the-stages-of-my-addiction

Hi Desert,

I don't believe it's grieving any of the APs. When i discovered, she disclosed everything and went NC immediately.

She had 8 APs within 15 months. serial stuff. she did say she fell in love w the 7th AP which last 6 months but with only 4 physical meetings. A's started as online EA sept 2013, progressed to PA in Nov 2013... she kept an online thing going on w AP 1 thru the entire 15 months. went to 2nd AP PA in Jan 2014, then thru Mar, Apr, May and June, 4 more APs, than 7th AP from Jul 2014 to Nov although last physical mtg was Sept 2014, and finally 8th and final AP nov-dec 2014, when I discovered texts a few days before Xmas 2014. I've been in IC therapy since Jan 2015...we have been in MC since early JAN 2015.

Getting, your W may be depressed because she is addicted to A's in general and being depressed may be a withdrawal symptom.

This isn't surprising at all. I think many female WS/CS's are caretakers by nature, and need something to focus on to delay/prevent the focus inward. Like DF said, it is an addiction of sorts. Now she's likely feeling the pain from within, given there's nothing else that currently warrants her attention.

I speak from personal experience.

she did not exhibit any A behavior prior to the As starting in Sept 2013. We'd been married for 13 years but that time. Over the last 1.5 of R, thru both of our therapy, its seemingly more FOO, and poor coping skills for stress et al. Therapists have all ruled of SA and BPD.

PandD,

well, we do have small children, which she wants to be able to take care of, but the stress seems to cause her to withdraw and fall into a deeper state of depression.

I only started to notice her depression once I started to get to a point of stability over 14 months past DD

She has said that it was never the sex, it was the excitement, the planning, the lying, the danger, etc... the dopamine hit.

Since DDay, we talk ever night, many late nights and brutally honest discussions.... lately, she said the only time she feels happy is when she is drunk, high or having sex (with me).

she says things like when she wakes up in the morning all she sees is hopelessness. she says she feels buried by guilt and shame for what she did, what she chose to do, what she allowed others to do to her , and how she ignored the kids during the As, and how it effected me.

I'm really sorry you're going through this; you are not alone.

I think that continual IC and MC is the best bet, which it sounds like you're doing. None of this is easy and I applaud you for sticking it out and weathering these storms, coming here to talk about it is a big step too.

over the last few months...well, really over the last few weeks, as I notice my wife's emotional slumps and depression, i also see how easily she is prey to anxiety and stress over minor things. yes, i accept that dealing w small children all day is bloody though and exhausting, but her inability to manage stress and emotional distress is alarming. i see how she reacts, and we talk every night, and I hear how sad , and tired and frustrated she is, and how the lack of control makes her even more sad, and how loosing her temper w the kids makes her feel like a bad parent

and i realize...wow....all of that....THAT is what was going on with her internally before she started the first affair.

yes, it worries me....yes i see sign and signals and am on alert, but more so , especially in the last few weeks, I'm worried. I'm worried for her well being. the difference now vs then is, we talk openly and communicate, but i can still see how the things upsetting her now, would have been the very same things that upset her then.... and back then, she had no idea of how to deal with it...no idea how to cope....and even now, she doesn't have very good coping skills and strategies, but is in DBT therapy to learn coping skills and stategies ...better late then never i suppose.

but the point i want to hammer on is, how , 19 months past Dday.... i see her. i really see how she reacts to things...i see how stressed she gets, how anxious she gets, how sad she gets.... and i see how in many ways, it's all the same stuff from before she chose infidelity as her coping mechanism and escape. i also see, how on top of all of this, she deals w the guilt and shame of her affairs, and the effect it had on the family...on me...and how she is constantly battling herself ...how she wants to be supermom, but is to stressed and exhausted to be supermom...and then that realization just makes her sink deeper into depression

i guess the point of this post is, i look at her differently now the pre affair...i actually see and empathize with how she is feeling, and we talk about it.... but i still feel that i can't do much to help her, and that is a tough acceptance for me.

You sound like an amazing partner, and your wife is very lucky to have this level of support and empathy.

I would venture to guess that sharing with her EXACTLY what you just said above ^ might help ease some of her feelings. We all just want to know that someone f*cking 'gets it', bonus points if "someone" is our spouse.

Well.....my A has been over for 19 months and I've pretty much have felt like crap the whole time (actually its getting better and I see myself with more confidence, way less stress, and more at ease). I think she may feel like this for a variety of reasons and she may not be able to articulate them. Sometimes the awareness of the sheer enormity of all that I did and all that I experienced can throw me into a state that can come out in other avenues.

She does sound clinically depressed. Is she getting help for herself? Just for herself.....she needs it.
And you do sound like a great husband. Thank you for that.

My first reaction to these replies was

"If I'm such a great husband and amazing partner why did she screw 8 guys in 15 months after 13 years of marriage?"

But I know it wasn't me that made her choices

She is off to third iop
First sat am session

She didn't sleep Thu
Nor last night

Fri she went to bed early and I took care of kids

I decided to sleep on couch because my snoring keeps her up and I wanted to give her a nice calm nights sleep

I woke at 1230 to hear crying
She had gotten up and went outside on porch and was sobbing uncontrollably

She laid in bed w me crying that she hasn't felt good since nov and then said she thinks she needs a happy pill

So since February I'd been saying she was bottoming out and she disagreed
Now she says she knows it's been getting worse since nov and after taking ssri off table now says she needs them

Wow

She is a ping pong ball

Fri she went to bed early and I took care of kids

I decided to sleep on couch because my snoring keeps her up and I wanted to give her a nice calm nights sleep

I woke at 1230 to hear crying
She had gotten up and went outside on porch and was sobbing uncontrollably

She said she never slept even though she went to bed at 9

When I tucked 8 yr twins in i asked Daughte how she thought mom was doing

Not well she said
Why does mommy always sleep during the day she asked

....

She doesn't see psych Ph.D. Until week and saw psych MD Tuesday

I thought it would go like this
First sessions her trying to keep a game face thinking she doesn't need rx

Figured I'd roll w it until she realized she needs ssri rx and needs to level w group

The md has all info from iop eval about infidelity but she said she doesn't want to disclose to group of women in group sessions since some of them could be victims of infidelity


She said she feels powerless overwhelmed and sad all the time

I asked if that's how she felt summer 2013 before she started affairs

She said no
Back then she felt angry stressed and withdrawn

I see her now
And I can't not believe this is exactly where she was then

Honestly
From the time the kids were 2 until now the only time I remember thinking to myself "she's back" was during the affairs because she was active happy vibrant engaged social

But now I know that that was the fantasy escape dopamine addiction high she was on

This sounds so horrible. I cannot imagine living it. I do think that sometimes you have to let go of what you want to happen and accept what is happening. This has to be affecting your children.
You might want to think about asking her parents to step in and take care of her while you take care of yourself and your children. The kind of care your W needs is probably way beyond your skill set. None of this is anything you asked for. You don't have to accept it. Once she is better, you can decide if you have a future with her. But for now, your kids have to come first.

I think coming down after my A's: my H knowing I was in counseling and knowing I needed to keep some of that private, being on antidepressants for maybe 6 months, for putting up with my emotional turmoil, for putting up with me (these are his words:): being in the same room physically with me, but not really being in the same room....I can never ever appreciate enough how much he was willing to tolerate and stick by me on. Ever.

I need to tell you, it is the absolute most difficult thing I have ever experienced (ending my A, mourning and hating myself and the sheer despair of all that entailed) I knew I needed help.

PS...The reason I cheated on my H really had nothing to do with him either (we did have issues in our M, but nothing that warranted my escalation of behaviors), it was all me and what was inside of me and I knew I was becoming a person with a lifestyle I hated and that in turn comes to hating yourself, I wish nothing more I could turn back time and never have gone there, I wish I could erase it, I don't want reminders of 'him' anymore or that time in my life. When one really, really hates themselves......its a horrible thing. I completely get the powerless feeling.

And you know, I'm still here on DS.....I check in everyday.....cause it still can get to me. I'm about as far out as she is, but she sounds stuck, which is easy to do. Glad she is in IC. Glad you love her enough to stick by her.

If she has said she wants to stay married to you, then keep on going. If she has made that choice, and you both have made that choice, again, keep going...... And you may think it, but alone with her, don't say, "If you love me so much, why did you f*ck 8 guys in 15 months." I certainly understand you have your own anger and your healing. I get that, together you can do that with a 3rd party, but your wife sounds like she is in crisis right now and she is turning to other crutches to numb whatever pain she is feeling.

I disagree with Storm, I think she needs you more than ever.