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desertflower1234 07/06/2016

I'm sharing this in the hopes that it may help other cheaters deal with and better understand their own addiction.

Here is a run down of stages of my addiction. I've been in NC from my former AP for around two years and nine months.

The first six month

Absolute bone crushing withdrawals.

The next year and nine months

My withdrawals calmed down significantly.

I spent the whole year and nine months obsessing about breaking NC .

I spent this whole time obsessing about how to never get caught when I do eventually break NC and restart the A.

For the last six months

I surrendered to the fact that the only way to never get caught having the A is to never get back into the A.

When I surrendered to the fact that I can no longer restart the A with my former AP, (unbeknowst to me at the time ) I began severely grieving my former AP and I went into a deep depression.

I shared with all of you the reasons why I can no longer restart the A with my former AP in my " Threads that helped in NC" thread.

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/cheaters-anonymous/discussion/threads-that-helped-in-nc

From today on forward

All I have to do now to accept the fact that I can no longer restart the A with my former AP and MOVE FOWARD.

So, I've been very depressed for the last six months and the whole time I was depressed I had no idea as to why I was so depressed until today.

For the last six months I had no idea why I was all sudden hit with severe depression . Because I did not know the root cause of my depression , I had absolutely no idea on how to get over my depression.

Now that I know the root cause of my depression, I can take steps to combat my depression.

I've been depressed in the past but never had depression like what I've been expieriencing now. In the past my depression was always mild and always went away by itself within a few months.

whatamithinking 07/06/2016

I'm so sorry you've been going through that, Desert. You'll probably be much better for it in the long run.
I think I continuously retain hope that somehow, some way, a path will present itself for my AP and I, someday. By keeping that thread of hopefulness despite all rational odds, it allows me to stay in a perpetual state of denial. I think accepting the permanence of the ending would be such a deeply painful road, that I will avoid it until there is something in the universe that compels me take on the pain.

shoretimenow 07/06/2016

This has actually helped me, DF. You are much farther along than me. I can have such a mixed bag of emotions, its crazy right now.......

dsj2017 07/07/2016

I'm sorry you're hurting but I think you're on the right path in experiencing grief over the loss of the relationship. That is normal and healthy and in time you will start to heal. Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing what is best for you and it's clear to me that you don't want to re-start the affair or start back again at NC Day 1.

gravinggirl 07/07/2016

I felt sure it was time for NC a month ago after very limited contact for 6 months. I know AP is manipulative and would be the death of me. I still miss him. It's an addiction, and like you said, when you give it up, you have to face the depression and emptiness you used to fill with the affair.

desertflower1234 07/07/2016

The A physically ended in Oct 2013 when NC began but in my ADDICTIVE mind, the A was merely postponed until a later time.

Because the A never really ended in my mind , I never really grieved the A or my former AP. It was only after 2 years and three months of

NC that I finally conceded to myself that the A was finally over. It was only when I conceded that the A was over that I began fully grieving

the A and started getting depressed. I really had no idea that the reason I got depressed was because I was grieving the A because NC

began 2 years and three months before that.

desertflower1234 07/07/2016

So to recap ; for 2 years and three months, I fought tooth and nail every single day to maintain NC. For the last six months I went through a

severe depression because I was unknowingly grieving the A. Now 2 years and 9 months into my NC journey , I can finally say that the A is

really over. I'm happy that the A really over because ALL MY HARD WORK REALLY PAID OFF AND I'VE MADE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE.

WOOHOOO!

Here's why I can never try and restart the A again.

When the BS finds out she will obsess over me.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=419537

She will want revenge.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=389695&AP=21&HL=

She will blame me for just about everything.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=522468

chipmonk4 07/07/2016

if it helps any, being in an affair forces the human brain to remain in a state of permanent addiction. the oxytocin hit one gets from endless happy meets with never any real life problems forces a person to be in endless addiction.

gravinggirl 07/07/2016

In my case, there were huge highs and huge lows with AP. He was unstable like that. It really sucked me in, even after one if the worst discovery experiences I have ever heard of. My psychologist literally said only passion or idiocy kept me going back.

desertflower1234 07/15/2016

***** I will IGNORE all disruptive BS responses to this thread ***********

As an addict, one of the biggest things is my mind loves to do is lie to me.

For 2 years and 3 months my , while in NC my mind would tell me things like

1) If I try restart the A with my former AP, we will never get caught.

2) If I do get caught , the consequences will be minor.

Luckily for me I've been searching out threads in survivinginfidelity.com website the whole time I am here on CA.

It's easy to search survivinginfidelity.com . If you are interested in searching "gut feeling" on survivinginfidelity.com.

Just enter " gut feeling site:survivinginfidelity.com " and you will get pages and pages of results.

So ever since I've been on CA , I been searching the survivinginfidelity.com like that.

I've searched for the topics I shared in my thread " Threads that helped in NC".

So for years I've been searching for topics like

1) Gut feeling

2) Red flags

3) Anger

4)Revenge.

So for years, I've been reading those threads.

After reading those threads for 2 years and 3 months , my mind can no longer lie to me.

After years and years of reading threads after thread about

1) How easily a BS can sniff out a cheating CS

2) Just about every BS will sit around and obsess about revenge at the AP

3) How just about every BS is going to want to rip the AP from limb to limb.

......... I became absolutely convinced that all those things are going to happen to me if I try and restart the A.

Once, I became convinced that all those things I mentioned will happened to me, I knew that I couldn't try and restart the A anymore.

Once I knew that I can no longer restart the A anymore, I unknowingly went into a deep depression.

So that's how I got to the point of being done.

PS : the good thing since I've been accepting that I can no longer restart the A with my former AP , my depression is lifting.

*********** I will ignore all disruptive BS responses to this thread*******************

gravinggirl 07/15/2016

It really does come down to loving and protecting yourself.

desertflower1234 07/21/2016

So moving forward , I'm taking steps to accept that the A is over and get over my depression.

I will keep having to reminding myself that a BS ,deep in the pain of betrayal , may end up doing ANYTHING .

Also , I will always have to remember that a BS who is

1)Hurting
2) brooding
3) Raging
4) blaming just about everything on the AP

.........can LEAD TO A VERY VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION FOR ME.

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