Please don't think that you are, "evil," as you said. You love your wife but you slipped up and you also had some dormant needs. The fact that she is willing to work through this with you is wonderful. And the therapist will help you both tremendously
Bisexual interests or needs are harder for a partner to dismiss because in a straight relationship they literally can't give you that other side of things but yet they know you are still attracted to the M/F side of things as well. It's difficult to look at this type of issue in a clear cut way and perhaps your wife realizes that. It sounds like you have a good plan going forward, if you both commit to working on things. I wish you all the best.

Thank you.

It’s hard to not think I’m evil when I have made such a terrible mistake and am causing someone so much pain and sadness. Plus the bisexual aspect of this is causing me some self loathing.

I’m trying to take solace in the fact that she’s still here and with me. That she still says she loves me and that we are working on it.

A little update:

First couple of counseling sessions went well. We’re both dealing with the issues and feelings. I’m trying to be as open as possible but it’s still difficult to see her in pain. She is of course still angry and hurt. But we’re still together and we have even been intimate a few times. I’m trying to channel the shame and guilt of my same sex hook up into positive things and affection for her.

Part of the reason for the counseling is she wants me to discuss my bisexual feelings. That has been a bit tough as well. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m not completely straight but then over analyzing what exactly am I? There is some self loathing going on right now.

It has been good to be able to discuss this in a neutral manner and to hear her talk about her feelings. I am more hopeful than I was a few weeks ago that I haven’t messed everything up. But that may be too much to ask for anyone.

Some days are better than others, and there have been some dark nights where I have had some brutal thoughts about ending myself for the terrible mistake I have made. But I can’t, despite it all they depend upon me for support and I admittedly love being a husband and dad who works hard and gives them everything I can. I love them too much to leave them. I guess sometimes your mind is an enemy.

Well, here is hoping today is another good day and I continue to do better.

I hope you all find a measure of peace in your current trials. Good luck

Further update.

We’re still together but I’m still a wreck. I am trying to get over the guilt and shame of my same sex encounter but I’m struggling hard.

I see how much pain she is in; I am being as open and honest with her as I can. I haven’t withdrawn from her and have been talking about it whenever she has questions or tells me how she’s feeling. I’m just so sorry. Not to mention that I am so confused with myself because this act was so out of character that I am questioning who I even am anymore.

The last few mornings I have awoken so early. Sitting up alone with my thoughts; they have gotten so dark. As much self loathing and self hatred I felt through my life it’s so much worse now. It’s even more terrible to know that I made this mistake and that she would have understood my bisexual feelings had I just told her.

But I acted selfish and now I want the pain to end. And I am not the one who was betrayed. I comfort her but then feel guilt and shame because I’m the reason why she’s hurt.

There is still love here. I feel it. I know she does too. She still says I’m a good person. Really?! How!? I don’t know how I can be when I made such a terrible mistake.

I just want her to be happy; even if that means she isn’t with me anymore.

Couples counseling has been good for us. But in the end her happiness is all that matters, yet I can’t stop the dark mornings. Here’s hoping I’m able to come out of this and be able to make her happy again. I just don’t know if it’s possible.

Still together with my wife and still in love.

I still don’t like myself. I still am struggling daily with my typical problems of self loathing, anxiety, and depression but with the added kickers of guilt, shame, and disgust.

Couples Counseling has been ok but I’m struggling hard to move beyond the act of cheating. My wife is still angry but has largely been great.

I just can’t get past one thing my wife has said,

“You’re not a bad person, you’re a good man that made a mistake”

How can I be a good man? Is that even possible now?

I’m struggling hard trying to move forward but I just can’t think about anything but how much I suck and how terrible what I did was.

I feel so sorry and so guilty. I don’t deserve anything from anyone but pain and misery.

Update. . Our relationship is going ok. We’re still together and in love. Couples counseling is going ok and I have been as open and honest as possible. She is still with me. She seems to have largely forgiven me but is still trying to work through her feelings. I obviously don’t deserve anything and am not sure if I’m ready to be forgiven as I don’t know how I can be.

Just signed up for individual counseling with someone else at the request of our couples therapist. To say I’m dreading this is a massive understatement. I hate talking about myself and even more about my past.

I don’t have any close friends and the only person who I have confided anything of note with (other than our couples counselor) is my wife.

I don’t know if this will help but I’m going to try. I hate myself so much. I’m just tired.

There are many people here that you can confine in and can be here to listen. Just reach out anytime

Thank you.

First counseling session by myself. Hated it. The counselor seems to be a good guy. I just didn’t like answering so many questions, didn’t like talking about myself, he just kept asking me for information.

I didn’t clam up, I was as honest as I could be. But when I was done I just felt so awful. I hate myself, he knows I do. I set up a few more appointments but I’m not looking forward to it.

I am going to try and keep pushing forward. my wife is being great. She really loves me. Despite all indications to the contrary, I still don’t know if we’re going to make it. I am struggling hard with my self loathing.

I keep wondering if my wife and daughter would be better off without me. I have even figured out a plan. I can’t tell anyone, least of all my wife as I don’t want to hurt her or risk influencing her negatively (as such threats have been used by people to manipulate people). I know from previous experience. So here I am, just really feeling hopeless. Of course I know I’m being selfish by even thinking these thoughts; I just can’t shut them off.

This incident has opened a Pandora’s box of my own insecurities. I have always struggled with self esteem, self loathing, depression and anxiety. But I’ve kept fighting.

What happens though when you are tired of fighting? When you are the cause of unimaginable pain for your partner, lover, best friend? When you can’t find a good answer why? When you can’t “just get over it”? When you are as evil and useless as the voice in your head has always been saying that you are?

Hopelessness is a terrible feeling and though we’re old friends; I’m coming to a terrible realization that there is no bottom.

I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to hurt anyone else. For the first time in my life I think I’m looking at myself in the mirror, and I hate what is looking back at me.

ILguy37 I've been with my husband for 11 years. There was a time shortly after we married that I found out he had oral sex performed from another male. I was devastated considering we were just married and I had just given birth. Not sure if you are feeling anything my husband felt, but he was devastated that the act was with another man. For so long he battled with himself wondering how I seen him in my eyes. For me the healing process was difficult. Trying to trust again. Thoughts of why you weren't good enough. I always told him just be honest. Its gonna take time to heal what has been broken. The focus at this point being open and honest is best. The fact that your wife is still there says a lot. How you see yourself doesn't mean that's how she sees you. You have to figure out exactly who you are. After time we learned my husband has some deeper issues. Because he fought for us so did I. He is now in SAA and we continue to work together. Give your wife the space she needs but at the same time trust her love for you. Don't try to predict the future. Take it one day at a time. Your mistake doesn't define you your wife sees something that she loves trust that and continue to heal and move forward! Good luck!

Ready2live,

Thank you for the insight and advice. I greatly appreciate your perspective as i am a bit confused as to how I can be bisexual. What it means, etc.

I understand that my wife loves me. I just have keep reminding myself that if she didn’t that she would not be here with me now.

It’s just difficult for me to understand why she doesn’t see me as the piece of garbage I apparently am.

The same sex act isn’t shameful, the fact that I did it while married and betraying her trust is shameful. It’s why I confessed after it happened. I am having issues coming to grips with being this selfish, stupid, and evil.

It’s like she said during one of our sessions,

“It was a selfish rash decision made without thinking about anyone but yourself, it’s so unlike you, you’ve never done anything like this. Not in 16 years.”

It’s why I’m constantly thinking that her world is better without me in it. I love being a husband and father, but now I doubt that I can even be a good one of either anymore. As something is wrong with me. Im working on it, I just don’t know if there are really any positive qualities left in me.

At best, I work, I provide, and I spend most of my time with them; not even sure if that even matters. Overall it’s not really worth much in the grand scheme of things when you break the trust of someone who you are supposed to love, honor and cherish till death do you part.

I love her, I know that above all else; I’m just not sure if I will ever be able to be worthy of her love ever again.

My husband wanted to give you some encouragement.

He says: I understand exactly how you feel.

The first step I feel you have to make is recognizing what made you feel this way. What feelings enabled you to act out?

Recognizing that and dealing with the trauma will bring you Happiness, Love, Peace.

Pray to God, ask him to turn your weaknesses into strengths. We are powerless against such nature. Don't beat yourself up about your shortcomings.

BE POSITIVE! ACCEPT IT! OWN IT! LEARN FROM IT! OVERCOME IT!

Feel free to send a message anytime. Best wishes

Thank you. I appreciate the kind words, but you know and I know that I don’t deserve them.

I have taken responsibility, I am sorry but being positive and overcoming this is much easier said than done.

Beyond that, I don’t even know what I believe or even want to believe in anymore. Hope doesn’t spring eternal and life doesn’t work out for everyone.

ILguy37 I really do hope things work out and that you find peace

Individual Counseling is a work in progress. My wife and I are still together and moving forward.

I don’t enjoy talking to the counselor. He seems like a good guy but going back and discussing my past, childhood, and my bisexuality with a stranger has been difficult. Trying to come to terms with my issues and to help my wife heal from my stupid mistake has been so difficult.

She is going through so much worse, I imagine but doesn’t seem to show it. She’s still affectionate, we’re still intimate, we are even talking openly about everything. She does love me. I don’t know why, as it makes no sense to me that she can still love me. But then again, I really never understood why she loves me and finds me attractive to begin with. I’m nothing special.

I’ve really been trying hard to be hopeful, to try and push forward with my wife, though despite all evidence to the contrary, I am feeling hopeless.

I love her, but how will I ever be able to be worthy of her again? How can she still love me? Why do I hate myself so much? Why did I cheat? Why didn’t I tell her about my bisexual feelings? Why am I such a terrible person?

These questions and more are in a continuous loop in my mind, with the addition of my mind telling me constantly that hope is a lie.

I wish you peace and solace. May you find happiness.