Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
My story is probably similar to many of yours. But there is a twist. I have been married to a wonderful woman for over 16 years. Despite this, recently, I engaged in an online hookup where I exchanged oral sex with another guy, after which I promptly confessed over the next couple of days due to the guilt and shame I feel. She is understandably hurt and angry with me and I am so evil for causing her this pain.
I'm sexually attracted to her, and to women in general but I've always hidden my bisexual thoughts and fantasies from her. I never talked to her about these feelings nor openly expressed any serious desire to explore them. I was afraid that I did, she would be disgusted and leave me.
After we talked she says she still loves me and doesn't want to end our relationship. She even expressed understanding about my same sex attraction. She is very angry that I cheated on her and that I didn't talk to her about this as I have never been really impulsive or deceptive. Yet this was a selfish, evil, impulsive and deceptive action.
We're going to marriage counseling together in a few days.
Im trying to be hopeful that I can save my marriage, but the pain she is going through, that I caused, scares me because although I know she loves me, I'm terrified that I've lost her forever. She would be well within her rights to leave me.
I am going to fight for her but I'm at a place where I don't know if I'll ever be able to make this right. And I can't imagine my life without her...
Individual counseling is troubling to me though as I both hate going into my past and don’t want to discuss anything about myself. I especially don’t like going into my childhood. My parents we’re not perfect, I know it was messed up in a lot of ways. But I’m not going to blame them for my issues. It seems like too much of a cop out. At the very least I am alive, educated, and not in jail. I mean that is something right?
I suck because I am a terrible person. I know this. My mental illness issues are my own fault. I deserve to feel like I do. And my wife and kid deserve better.
Just working and providing isn’t shit, any ass can do that. Im proof of it. It’s about being a good man. Im not sure I can call myself that anymore. How can I be when I cheated?
In the end my self loathing is really weighing on me and I am not looking forward to continue to do individual counseling. I will. But am not hopeful that it will make a difference as I fear that I am hopeless.
I read your story and posts and some of your experiences Echo with mine. I too experience a lot of self loathing and hate for my own actions.
I hope during this journey you have found some level of peace and acceptance. It pains me to read your disdain torwards yourself.
You are deserving of love, you are capable of being good and you are not your mistakes.
Well, we’re through our couples counseling. Strangely things have been great. I know she loves me and I love her. I know I’m bisexual. I know that despite what I did I didn’t screw everything up. She has largely forgiven me. I just haven’t forgiven myself.
I’m still in therapy but I’m not doing well. Discussing my thoughts and childhood and fears is often very difficult and painful. It’s terrifying to look at myself in depth when I hate myself. I’ve directed so much pain and anxiety and anger inward. Plus I’m uncomfortable in my own skin anyway. Discussing this with anyone is a challenge let alone a therapist who doesn’t know me. I normally don’t talk to anyone about this stuff except for my wife (even then I don’t always because I am afraid of causing her any fear or concern). I’m trying to move forward. I’m just not sure I can.
To those who responded thank you. I hope that you have found a measure of peace with your trials. I wish you luck.
I am trying. I really am. The self loathing goes much deeper than my single act of cheating. I’ve just never liked myself. Im not comfortable in my own skin. The harm I caused my wife just shattered any real sense of self worth I had left.
As I’ve said in n earlier posts, how can I be a good man and husband if I cheated?
We’re still together and doing great. She didn’t leave me, she still loves me, and we’re still passionate with one another. It’s more than I deserve.
As far as the ideal world scenario you provided, I doubt that is in the cards. My wife isn’t likely to want to share me. It’s been discussed but in the end if the choice comes down to her or the ideal. She wins. I can’t go down that path again. I will not survive going to such a dark place again.
Through all of this at a minimum Ive learned one thing about myself. I can’t cheat and lie to my wife. I couldn’t look her in the eyes nor myself in the mirror.