Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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RPK82 09/27/2017

I came here because I don't know what else to do or where to turn. I'm learning very fast that when you're the cheater, there's very little support or understanding out there for you. My on again off again affair of 2 years was discovered 2 weeks ago by my husband and my whole world has been turned upside down. I confessed to my affair after being caught, it was on my husband's birthday and that makes me feel even worse about everything. I wanted the whole thing to be over, I just didn't want it to happen that way. My husband packed a bag and went to his parent's and has been gone since, with little contact. I completely devastated a beautiful man; a wonderful, loving, caring husband who gave me everything and I risked it all for an affair with a selfish, controlling, emotionally abusive, p.o.s. loser.

I stayed in the affair because I too am selfish, I'm a sucker for punishment, I have no self-esteem, and I liked the attention, even though it came at a price. The OM was also a former cheater who divorced from his spouse and he knew the ins and outs of how it was done and offered warped sympathy for why I was also making that choice. Looking at all of it now, I'm just truly disgusted with myself. I put 13 years on the backburner to entertain myself in a fantasy land nightmare with a human being who was beyond inferior to my husband. I keep sitting here asking myself what the hell I was thinking? Am I really that messed up and broken that I did this? The whole time I was in the affair relationship, I waxed and waned and wanted to end it so badly; we broke it off several times but it hurt so bad that I crawled back just to end the feelings of discomfort, even though I knew he was no good for me. I couldn't handle the loss of someone who got to know me and who I got close to. It became a sick, co-dependant relationship that never should have started to begin with and I felt trapped in it.

I don't really have any close friends or family, both my parents passed away when I was in my early 20's and I have one sibling who keeps to himself. I have basically been alone a lot and suffer from depression and anxiety. I had a very difficult childhood, I've been in and out of therapy, took medication for depression, basically been in a rut for a long time and never really got unstuck. I've had moments where life has been okay, and moments like now where in my typical fashion, I destroyed what was good in my life.

I am truly remorseful for what I have done and the hurt I have caused my husband. He deserved none of this. I will forever be labeled and looked at as a cheater and I will have to own every stigma that comes along with it. It is an act of deceit and betrayal thought to be so awful that we are villianized for it. I know there are people out there who do it and have not a care in the world nor a reason. And there are broken people in this world like myself who suffer alone and make the wrong choices and end up allowing themselves to stay in a situation that is wrong. I know there are people out there like myself that have just been wandering around lost for a long time and got themselves into a bad situation outside their marriage. I wish people could understand that some affairs are nothing like what you see in the movies; that it is not some steamy, illicit, free for all romance and that there is emotional, physical, and psychological turmoil that we experience as a result. The betrayed spouse may not be the only one that is in pain, but the cheater is not able to express that because society has no sympathy or understanding. I did what I did because I was a shitty, broken, selfish human being who was weak and needed help and found comfort in another person instead of finding a healthy and appropriate alternative. I polluted a solid relationship to be in a toxic one. I'm sitting here in limbo, not knowing what is going to happen next. I start counseling tomorrow, I'm trying to keep communication going with my husband as much as he will allow, I don't know where I will go, or what I will do if he leaves me. I have no job, no money, everything is his. I put myself in a horrible situation and I know it is my cross to bear, but I still feel scared and alone.

I guess I'm just here to vent, to see if anyone can relate and offer support or encouragement. I feel so lost right now.

loveaddict 09/27/2017

You are not alone. You are correct that there is little support for cheaters, because there is so much stigma attached to it, hence when you are in a situation such as yours, you feel alone and helpless. I can completely relate.

May I suggest that you try not to beat yourself up over what happened, because what's happened has happened. It can't be undone. From what I gathered you had issues of your own which was what led you to make the wrong decision 2 years ago. We are human; human makes mistakes. What matters is that you are truly remorseful and wants to end the affair now and mend your marriage. If I am able to feel your remorse so powerfully over a post, I am hopeful that with time, and perhaps many many heartfelt and sincere apologies and genuine acts of love, your husband will forgive you. I'm not trying to say that things will be restored overnight. There is obviously a lot of pain and tears in all of this, and you do have a long road ahead of you in trying to rebuild your marriage and regain his trust. But I do truly believe that with your sincere remorse, and your not giving up, one day he will forgive you. There is hope.

I understand you must be so scared, and must be feeling so alone and helpless right now. In the midst of all this, please try to have some self-compasssion. Be kind to yourself, stop judging yourself for what happened, take care of your health, and try to channel your energy towards working out a plan to rebuild your marriage. I have faith that things will turn around for you.

Take care.

RPK82 09/27/2017

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I really needed that right now. I am trying to take it one day at a time. It's been some very hard, long, and lonely days since he left and I miss him terribly.
I'm trying to take steps in the right direction towards healing for both myself, my husband, and our marriage. It was as if all of the blinders were finally taken off, like a kick in the ass to finally change things and hopefully it's not too late. I'm praying my husband is strong and has faith in me and allows me to show him I'm willing to do the work to rebuild.

loveaddict 09/27/2017

Yes, one day at a time for sure...and sometimes one hour at a time if needed. Breathe if you can. I will pray for you.

I myself am also working through some serious issues of my own and see very little hope right now. Every night I continue to pray for strength, wisdom and guidance and will do the same for you.

Lessons 09/27/2017

I'm very happy you're starting Counseling. I will advise to also go on youtube and listen to Self fogginess meditation. it has help me forgive myself and be able to move forward in my life is a long lonely process but you will go thru with it.

Good Luck

RPK82 09/27/2017

@loveaddict, Thank you for considering me in your prayers, I will do the same for you. We could all use a little extra help when days seem so dark.
@lessons, Thank you for the suggestion. I will be looking into that this evening.

loveaddict 09/27/2017

Thank you RPK82. God loves you. Don't forget that.

calirn13 09/28/2017

I hope your husband is willing to work things out. It's a long road. Good Luck

RPK82 09/28/2017

I'm trying to keep faith that he will soften his heart and come home and work with me to restore our marriage. I'm worried he's being influenced by his family while he's staying with them because my M.I.L. never really cared for me from the start. My husband is a gentle, sweet man and it is killing me to see a different side to him I didn't know existed. It's so hard to watch this all unfold and have no control in it anymore. I did the damage and now I have to suffer the consequences. I know I have to do the work, but it ultimately falls on his decision where we end up and it scares me that he'll choose to leave without a fight.

jtk6204 09/28/2017

You're anything but alone here. If you can, try your best to understand yourself as human, and that self-loathing is a proven path to failure. At the core, you are a full person. You had good reasons to act in this way, and it is best you start with becoming aware of what those reasons are. Sometimes, there aren't "reasons" so much as "causes" - and many of those items are outside of your own control.

You cannot advance without self-understanding, and you won't achieve that unless you have self-respect. Just think of how you would respond if a friend came to you with the same problems. You deserve at least that.

forwardmotion 09/29/2017

Whether he decides to take you back or not it is important to commit to self growth through reflection, therapy, and action.

If he decides to try and restart a relationship you will need this, if he leaves and you need to move on in life you will still need this.

Worry about the things you can control and not the things you cannot.

Joy.Grusky 10/11/2017

I feel your pain. Our stories are similar and I recently had my D-day just two and half weeks ago. Hugs and prayers to you.

Myownvillian 10/12/2017

I’m in a similar situation...I’m in IC and MC and still have looking at my kids and breaking their family unit. I’m not the far out from DDay! I feel there is not much support for cheating wives. So please stay in touch...we can all use a friend.

palefire 10/18/2017

You are not alone. You are human, and you are doing your best while you can on this planet, just like everyone else. Consider looking at your actions from an objective perspective. Would you say to a loved one the words you say about yourself? We ALL deserve love and forgiveness. Many of us here are in very similar situations to yours. I told myself after D-day, "I will not let this define me; I will become a better version of myself," and slowly, very slowly, I'm believing it. I believe you will heal from this in time if you allow yourself forgiveness.

mildred71 10/22/2017

Yes, I agree that there is a stigma involved with cheaters, people don't seem to understand... that yes, people are broken, sometimes on both sides, sometimes on one side, and that instead of turning to what would be acceptable, like a good movie, a vanilla milkshake, or a grandma figure at a nursing home, I don't know, just random examples, some people can get caught-up in co-dependent relationships that, yeah, are affairs. NO ONE seems to care WHY that person was broken to begin with, or WHY they became co-dependent to begin with. They can kick rocks, hot-dang it!!! Don't glamourize your husband, I'm not saying he's bad, but I'm not saying he's good either. I think HE needs to be strong enough to deal with the issues, because it sounds like you're truly remorseful! Two people in the dirt, one person gets hurt. Everyone needs to deal with this, and move on, no one is the good guy and no one is the bad guy. I'm sorry for the pain that led you to this place.

mildred71 10/22/2017

Yes, I agree that there is a stigma involved with cheaters, people don't seem to understand... that yes, people are broken, sometimes on both sides, sometimes on one side, and that instead of turning to what would be acceptable, like a good movie, a vanilla milkshake, or a grandma figure at a nursing home, I don't know, just random examples, some people can get caught-up in co-dependent relationships that, yeah, are affairs. NO ONE seems to care WHY that person was broken to begin with, or WHY they became co-dependent to begin with. They can kick rocks, hot-dang it!!! Don't glamorize your husband, I'm not saying he's bad, but I'm not saying he's good either. I think HE needs to be strong enough to deal with the issues, because it sounds like you're truly remorseful! Two people in the dirt, one person gets hurt. Everyone needs to deal with this, and move on, no one is the good guy and no one is the bad guy. I'm sorry for the pain that led you to this place.

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