I came here because I don't know what else to do or where to turn.  I'm learning very fast that when you're the cheater, there's very little support or understanding out there for you.  My on again off again affair of 2 years was discovered 2 weeks ago by my husband and my whole world has been turned upside down.  I confessed to my affair after being caught, it was on my husband's birthday and that makes me feel even worse about everything.  I wanted the whole thing to be over, I just didn't want it to happen that way.  My husband packed a bag and went to his parent's and has been gone since, with little contact.  I completely devastated a beautiful man; a wonderful, loving, caring husband who gave me everything and I risked it all for an affair with a selfish, controlling, emotionally abusive, p.o.s. loser. 

I stayed in the affair because I too am selfish, I'm a sucker for punishment, I have no self-esteem, and I liked the attention, even though it came at a price.  The OM was also a former cheater who divorced from his spouse and he knew the ins and outs of how it was done and offered warped sympathy for why I was also making that choice.  Looking at all of it now, I'm just truly disgusted with myself.  I put 13 years on the backburner to entertain myself in a fantasy land nightmare with a human being who was beyond inferior to my husband.  I keep sitting here asking myself what the hell I was thinking?  Am I really that messed up and broken that I did this?  The whole time I was in the affair relationship, I waxed and waned and wanted to end it so badly; we broke it off several times but it hurt so bad that I crawled back just to end the feelings of discomfort, even though I knew he was no good for me.  I couldn't handle the loss of someone who got to know me and who I got close to. It became a sick, co-dependant relationship that never should have started to begin with and I felt trapped in it.

I don't really have any close friends or family, both my parents passed away when I was in my early 20's and I have one sibling who keeps to himself.  I have basically been alone a lot and suffer from depression and anxiety.  I had a very difficult childhood, I've been in and out of therapy, took medication for depression, basically been in a rut for a long time and never really got unstuck.  I've had moments where life has been okay, and moments like now where in my typical fashion, I destroyed what was good in my life.  

I am truly remorseful for what I have done and the hurt I have caused my husband.  He deserved none of this.  I will forever be labeled and looked at as a cheater and I will have to own every stigma that comes along with it.  It is an act of deceit and betrayal thought to be so awful that we are villianized for it.  I know there are people out there who do it and have not a care in the world nor a reason.  And there are broken people in this world like myself who suffer alone and make the wrong choices and end up allowing themselves to stay in a situation that is wrong.  I know there are people out there like myself that have just been wandering around lost for a long time and got themselves into a bad situation outside their marriage.  I wish people could understand that some affairs are nothing like what you see in the movies; that it is not some steamy, illicit, free for all romance and that there is emotional, physical, and psychological turmoil that we experience as a result.  The betrayed spouse may not be the only one that is in pain, but the cheater is not able to express that because society has no sympathy or understanding.  I did what I did because I was a shitty, broken, selfish human being who was weak and needed help and found comfort in another person instead of finding a healthy and appropriate alternative.  I polluted a solid relationship to be in a toxic one.  I'm sitting here in limbo, not knowing what is going to happen next.  I start counseling tomorrow, I'm trying to keep communication going with my husband as much as he will allow, I don't know where I will go, or what I will do if he leaves me.  I have no job, no money, everything is his.  I put myself in a horrible situation and I know it is my cross to bear, but I still feel scared and alone.

I guess I'm just here to vent, to see if anyone can relate and offer support or encouragement.  I feel so lost right now.