Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Yesterday, I wrote on here about getting close to that point of separating from your spouse, of looking into the unknown and deciding what to do.
Well, last night, my wife came over to eat dinner with me and my roommate, and I felt intense feelings toward her...like those feelings I felt when we first met. It's hard to describe beyond the cliche butterflies/knot in the stomach. She looked great, and I just can't stop thinking about her. I'm in love. I know it. It's the first time since D-Day about four months ago I've felt this way...maybe I've been shielding myself?
When I woke up this morning, I sent her a long text saying all this, and saying I'm seeing what I want: To make this work. I screwed up so bad, but I'm willing to do anything now to work on this. I'm all in. I said that if she even feels a little love toward me that I hope that's enough to move forward.
She told me she doesn't think we're on the same page, and that it might not be enough. This didn't surprise me, given what she's said previously, but it still hurt real bad. I'm afraid that me opening up right now is just going to get me heartbroken. We're going to try to talk more in person soon, but I'm scared I won't like what I hear.
Is one bad mistake by me (my A) really enough to end 7+ years of a good thing and give up a chance at a good future? I just can't see that being the case, but then again, I'm not in her shoes. Why, though, if she sees me spilling my soul--and if she feels even a little connection toward me--can we not get past this? Can't we learn from this and get stronger? Is pure love really not enough?
I'm feeling on the verge of being heartbroken, and I'm as confused and scared now as I've been at any point since D-Day. This is hell, a hell I created and desperately want to escape.
Well, last night, my wife came over to eat dinner with me and my roommate, and I felt intense feelings toward her...like those feelings I felt when we first met. It's hard to describe beyond the cliche butterflies/knot in the stomach. She looked great, and I just can't stop thinking about her. I'm in love. I know it. It's the first time since D-Day about four months ago I've felt this way...maybe I've been shielding myself?
When I woke up this morning, I sent her a long text saying all this, and saying I'm seeing what I want: To make this work. I screwed up so bad, but I'm willing to do anything now to work on this. I'm all in. I said that if she even feels a little love toward me that I hope that's enough to move forward.
She told me she doesn't think we're on the same page, and that it might not be enough. This didn't surprise me, given what she's said previously, but it still hurt real bad. I'm afraid that me opening up right now is just going to get me heartbroken. We're going to try to talk more in person soon, but I'm scared I won't like what I hear.
Is one bad mistake by me (my A) really enough to end 7+ years of a good thing and give up a chance at a good future? I just can't see that being the case, but then again, I'm not in her shoes. Why, though, if she sees me spilling my soul--and if she feels even a little connection toward me--can we not get past this? Can't we learn from this and get stronger? Is pure love really not enough?
I'm feeling on the verge of being heartbroken, and I'm as confused and scared now as I've been at any point since D-Day. This is hell, a hell I created and desperately want to escape.
(Sorry...I don't mean to use this forum as a place to boast. It just helps to write these things out as a reminder. Positivity!)
Since you have mentioned, dabbled in an open relationship and monogamy has come up as well as exploring things sexually......
Would you ever consider or propose to your wife swinging? I'm serious. There are couples out there, as you probably know, who do explore that...together...and in many cases it can enhance their relationship as a couple. This way the 'openness' of your marriage isn't really hidden, its more of a lifestyle that you chose to do together.
Probably not the time to bring it up tonight......but I'm not sure the sexuality issue has to be so concrete.
I'm not totally against it, though I do fear that I've shown a weakness to getting attached after sexual interaction. I guess the saving grace here would be the other person would (likely) have a better idea of boundaries, because they would be going into things with a different mindset than the OW in my situation. It hopefully wouldn't FEEL like an affair, because there'd be a better understanding up front. Still, I don't know if I'm the type of person who could handle this.
I don't know what my W would say, either...I think she feels really burned by what I did and probably doesn't feel like going down the same "open" road. But I do think she still seems like someone who wants to explore sexually. It may just be that she doesn't want me involved.
Yeah, probably not something for our convo this week, but maybe down the road. I don't feel there are any real set answers or rules to how we live our lifes (so long as we respect laws, etc). I'm open to exploring whatever makes our relationship work going forward
I hope she can still love me, but I'm trying to tell myself that I'll be fine either way. I just need to KNOW and start taking the next steps in life...with or without her. So much easier said than done, th
She keeps saying she doesn't think she wants to reconcile. As in, she doesn't think it's worth the trouble. She's a very calculated type person, and she thinks the chance of being hurt again (maybe not necessarily by a new A, but just by reminders of what I did, etc) outweighs the potential benefit of a good relationship.
When I said I felt butterflies about her the other day, she said she didn't, at all.
I was more blunt about me not being comfortable with her seeing someone at this time, and the fact that I think that it's interfering with any realistic chance we might have at R. Complicating my feelings on it is the fact that the person MIGHT be someone she's been friends with for a while, which makes me think she might have been just waiting to run to him for a while. I didn't push her, though, on who it is, and this might just be my mind making things up. I left it at saying I was uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I didn't make any ultimatums or anything. I said my peace, and that's that.
I still want to make things work, but if she truly doesn't want to try anymore, I'm not sure what can be done?
I don't even know how important this other dude is, though. My W just seems...done. Can this change?
If I as a BS, all if a sudden had some guy that I liked wanting to spend time with me right after DDay, I very well might go down that road just to explore it, since rebuilding from an A takes time. Another possibility is that she went down that road to give you a taste of your own medicine, but I think you already mentioned that as a possibility. The grass is usually not greener on the other side of the fence, she will learn that soon enough, but I hope not too late to save your marriage if that is possible.
IMHO, she needs to remember that you are still married and made the decision to not be in an Open marriage---right???
Sarah,
Did I see in one of your posts something about you and your BF agreeing to platonic dating of others before your DDay? Or am I mistaken?
The problem was that he went online and right off the bat met a predatory (Sociopathic) woman who wanted anything but a Platonic relationship. When he met her, he began going down a road immediately that we did not agree on. She did not care that he had a girlfriend even though he was up front with her about being involved with me. She did everything in her power to try to destroy the relationship between him and I. She pitted herself against me in some sort of game in which she actually told him that she was going to win. Fortunately he started seeing and recognizing red flags; he was smart enough to get a grip on what was happening, but not early enough to save our relationship from some damage.
In this way, my situation sort of parallels Mike's. Had we not both agreed to bringing others into our relationships, chances are we might have escaped all this cheating stuff and the heartache that goes with it.
I will never again agree to anything like a Platonic dating relationship with anyone. I learned my lesson.