Ok. I guess all I'm trying to say is don't come across as being TOO needy.

I hear what folks are saying...show that I love her, but don't grovel or smother. Like with most things, moderation is best. That's a good message. Thanks, all

Update: She doesn't feel like the hotel would be a good idea. Worried that we'd be stuck together if the talk doesn't go well, or either of us feel uncomfortable. I understand. Instead, she suggested I come to her place and MAYBE I stay the night, depending on how the conversation goes.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but...I so very much want to stay over. I miss cuddling and just being with her. My heart pounds just thinking about it.

I am happy for you, it sounds like some progress is being made. The idea of her place might be better anyway than a hotel.

If you want to stay over there, don't make it about that--instead make it about how much you love her, love being close to her, how much you miss her and how you are sorry, how much you want things to get on the right track with your marriage and you are committed to your marriage, even though you had a lapse in the commitment part.

And it would not hurt to bring her some flowers...but be careful-- (you don't want her to think you are trying to buy her love), just something sweet like a small bouquet of mixed flowers like you can get at the grocers or a single rose.

^ Ha. I was going to say that. You have to play it cool.. as if you just met and you're trying to lure her away from another guy. Annoying, yes. But honestly.. sounds kind of mentally stimulating too.

First of all, she’s with this other guy to make you suffer like she suffered. She wants to show you another man wants her and it’s not up to you if the two of you get back together. It’s up to her. And if you think playing mind games is going to work, think again. She knows it’s killing you….but that’s a good thing bc you want her back anyway.

Play her game…she deserves this. She’ll let you know when it’s over. Then you will begin the real work of reconciling you marriage.

Thanks for all the feedback, guys. It helps

Humble not desperate. Its a fine line. Be willing to set her free if that's what she wants but not in a "fine if you want out there's the door" kind of way but more of a "I love you enough to let you go" way.

Let her know that you will find a way to move forward in life and be happy again but you would prefer that be with her.

Right now she's holding all the cards including seeing other people. For me seeing other people was never an option and it brings yet another person into the marriage.

If you were to reunite would the marriage still be "open"? If so, to what extent? Your situation is different than most of us (bs & cs) because there were some cloudy unconventional boundaries to begin with and she's having what appears to bea revenge A/relationship.

Know that you can and will survive this a better and stronger person with or without her. I don't see you as the typical cheater because of the whole open marriage thing. I have a hard time understanding how they work.

It seems like sending a child into a candy store and saying "you can have a bite of whatever you like but not more" that seems pretty difficult and (IMO) ours that child in a constant state of resisting temptation.

Telling a man(or a woman for that matter) your ok with him having a casual relationship with others but don't dare get emotionally invested don't have human emotions with the person you just slept with seems unrealistic. Yes im sure casual sex is common and maybe easy to find a sex partner that you can walk away from but its very risky to assume you can control your emotions.

Sorry that I'm stuck on the open marriage thing her but its what gets me confused with your situation. Maybe im just not equipped to advise you since I can't picture being in an open relationship.

Pink is right--I don't think Mike is a typical cheater either. He is sort of like my boyfriend who cheated bc we had agreed that he could date other women in a Platonic way just to get more social experience, as he felt that he needed to find more friends. I was OK with that bc I have had lots of completely Platonic guy friends, and I can do Platonic very well. Not only that, but my boyfriend has had truly Platonic girl friends in his past also. But what happened was that he went online and met a very aggressive, charming, sociopathic woman and he was weak at that point (because we did have some issues in our relationship), so the short story (understatement) is that it turned out not to be a Platonic friendship. However, once he realized what was happening, he confessed the A to me, then quickly ended things with the OW. She had started leading him down the wrong road, but thankfully he came to his senses.

So that puts me in a similar place as Mike's W, except that we are not married, and that Mike did handle things differently post DDay than what I experienced. We also did not have an open relationship. On DDay, I did threaten to walk if my boyfriend did not immediately end things with the OW, and he did, but after DDay Mike secretly stayed in contact with his OW as he had developed emotional ties to her. That is probably where his W is having trouble, and I would think that is a bit harder to recover from. But I think she really needs to at least give him a chance instead of running to another man.

Back to similarities--both Mike and my boyfriend wanted the relationships to the point of wanting to do everything they could going forward to promote healing and never go down that road again. The difference is is that I believed my boyfriend and we worked on US, whereas I do not think that Mike's W believes in him as much and has chosen to bring someone else into the mix, and that most likely is complicating things, and taking her focus off her marriage. It's the old grass is greener thing, and maybe yes, like Pink said, a revenge thing. Or it could be an ego boost/validation, as us BS sometimes do feel less desirable after our partners go elsewhere.

Bringing a third person into a troubled marriage is never a good idea IMHO. I am surprised that the MC did not squelch this immediately (if it was revealed). At best, if the marriage is saved, this can be very hurtful to the third party. Here's the other thing---what kind of man really wants to date a woman who is still married and considering reconciliation with her husband? My first thought is a man who does not respect marriage. If the W stays with this man, it sounds like that will probably be a problematic relationship, i.e. the grass is not greener.

Pink has the right idea when she says "humble, not desperate". Her first paragraph was brilliant. :-)

Pink and Sarah - Really good stuff, thanks.

I've been kinda conflicted the past few months. I do feel terrible for what I did. There's no denying it was a bad thing, lying to and deceiving my wife, and I take responsibility for that. I'm trying to own it and get forgiveness, from myself and others.

On the other hand, part of me feels that had we not had an open relationship, none of this would have happened. I don't mean that to say I blame my W or anything, just that by opening myself up in this way, I also opened myself up to emotional attachment. I THOUGHT I could just do the casual sex thing, but until I first tried it, I didn't really know. Pink's "kid in a candy store" analogy is apt, I think. I had a taste, then went nuts.

So, I feel I deserve a second chance from my W. We tried an open relationship, and it failed because I failed. When I hooked up with another woman, I became a lying, deceitful scumbag to my W. I'm not proud of that. But I feel confident that I can really, truly learn from this. I can see how I got, and I can be more aware of my actions and reactions in the future. I HOPE my W realizes this and thinks this is enough...but I don't know if it will be.

Like Pink said, her relationship now may be a revenge type thing. It may also be her saying, "I liked the open relationship casual fun, and I didn't screw up. Why shouldn't I get to keep doing this?" She's been in an open relationship with me for several years, so it's just familiar to her. It's what she knows. She may not be ready for purely monogamous...and maybe never was

I think you do deserve a second chance. You make a good point though, that maybe your W wants any marriage she has to be open, as she has not (yet) screwed up on that.

I think that you could take your second paragraph/third paragraph above and insert the words Platonic friendship agreement instead of the words open relationship into them and replace the words casual sex with casual friendship in the second paragraph, it would fit my situation perfectly. I could easily see my boyfriend writing exactly what you wrote. That is why I feel that I am close to being in your W's shoes.

You made the point that perhaps your W would prefer an open relationship. In that case, perhaps asking your W if she really wants monogamy in the marriage going forward might be a good idea. Maybe she doesn't, and could you really live with that?

Sarah - It's comforting to have people who can relate. Thanks. Even if it's not exactly the same, it's similar.

Could I live with my wife not wanting to be monogamous? I think so, because I did before. I wasn't jealous really or anything like that...as I mentioned, we agreed to it. She has said she doesn't think it'd be right/fair to have just one of us being monogamous, and she may be right...that could get messy. But for now, I want to just focus on building trust and seeing if there's enough love and passion there to move forward. The monogamy/non-monogamy bridge is one I hope to cross soon, but I don't know if we're really there yet

Yes, you did live with it before, but she held to what you agreed on. In the future, she very well might get emotionally involved with someone else--she could end up going down the same road that you did. Do you think you could live with that?
It has been said that sex tends to pull women in emotionally more as a whole than it does men, as women are less able to separate sex and felling of love than men. More food for thought.

That's a good point. It might be hard, if she got emotionally involved with someone else, but as someone who's now been there himself, I think I would at least understand. But I see your point...is it even worth finding out? Probably better to close the relationship (if it survives at all)

I think that the bottom line is that after your A, you guys figured out that having an open marriage does not work. If she wants to keep going down that path, it will most likely end in more heartache. Continuation of the tangled web. If that is the case, you would probably be better off getting out as soon as possible so you can start the healing process.

Can you explain to me why people bother get married at all if they want to have open marriages? I am not being critical, but I really do not get it. It seems very contradictory to me. Marriage is a covenant between two people, not a bunch of people. IMHO, people with this line of thinking might as well just stay single. Marriage is family. Marriage is having someone you share a special bond with that you share with nobody else. Marriage is sacred and something to be treasured and protected.

OK, now off my soapbox!! ;-)